letting go can be the hardest part

i've got to leave here before i go.  i recently came across this comment attached to a photo blog and it struck me as insightful, yet so obvious.

there seems to be a never ending stream of desire to be and do different.  somehow the last couple of generations have missed out on the 'it is good to be me and where i am' gene.  always searching for bigger, thicker, fuller, higher, fancier, faster, leaner, firmer, more, more, more.  yet, seldom do i see the departure from the current to go after the desired.

a trapeze aerialist provides a great example . . . no matter how bad the flier wants to fly to the empty trapeze swinging in anticipation, there must be a change in grip and in focus.  the flier must let go psychically and emotionally to transfer to the next trapeze.  no amount of wishing, thinking, dreaming, strategizing or hoping will get the job done until there is an actual transfer.

so you have two phenomenal options here and one fairly lame.  the first option is to take inventory and begin to live with appreciation for where you are.  live within your means and love out of your heart.  if you determine you really do want things to be different, better, etc. then your second option is to quit talking about making changes and begin.  nothing like a new year to make a quiet pact with yourself to get that new job, seek out a better life or attain that goal you have set for yourself but have never given yourself permission to achieve.  the third option, and i think the lame option, is to keep talking and do nothing.  we all know talk is cheap so the investment speaks for the outcome.

as for me, i have a trapeze to fly on . . . the thrill being that high in the air, the wind rushing my face and through my hair, the risk, oh the risk . . . but i think i am going to perfect hanging on and learn to truly appreciate the view.  i will get back to you before i let go.

some things should not be and some things should be

bloody mary's shouldn't be bitter
sandwich makers should be rewarded for conscientious behavior
biscotti jars should not be broken
fancy scarves should be half price
black feathers should not grow out of shoulder blades no matter how red your eyes are
skin should be made wrinkly in a swimming pool over looked by tread mills
phones should not ring that many times
water canisters should always match your car
weird mothers should not be portrayed that way without some sort of warning
fire fighters should be photographed every year

true grit is always wise . . . unless you are a black swan

soaring will surely ensue

find something, anything, that lights up your soul and incorporate it into your life.  not a silly little thing like your favorite coffee drink or sports team.  i mean search deep inside of who you are at your very core and figure out what it is that makes your heart soar and discover ways to push that thrill to the forefront of your very being.

each one of us has great value and worth.  and each one of us has a very special something that resides within only us.  and what an amazing honor to cultivate, nurture and allow it to bloom.

the lucky ones make a living doing their passion.  everyday they earn a wage by doing what they love.  but the ones that are truly phenomenal are the ones that no matter if they are drawing a paycheck or not their passion and love for their special talent squeezes out of every morsel of their being.  every breath spreads a radiant blast warm with the excitement and love of simply being. 

it is time.  it is time to raise your own bar and feel, bellow, dart, roar, ooze, grow, run, develop,  leap, spin your way to sheer joy.  a new year awaits - but i suggest you start now.  get a jump on it . . . what do you have to loose besides a fabulous feeling bubbling up from your toes.   

it is not enough to merely walk aimlessly through life . . . unless that is what you decide your trail of life will look like.  it is your call.  make it!

see you on the edge

standing on the edge of yourself - what a great place to be!  nothing holding you back.  the wind of opportunity screaming at you to join in life.  it doesn't get any better than right this very second!  what are you doing with the chance you have been given?  are you backing down out of fear or bracing yourself for an adventure worthy of living?

how many more times are you going to let it pass you by?  take the step and start.  now.  do not make another list, one more plan or take an additional breath.  do it.  you have thought about it.  make it happen.  do not wait for the new year or next month or tomorrow or the next day. right now is the best time. 

there are no guarantees but who wants a guarantee?  remember when you were a kid and you took a chance?  one of a couple things happened - you either did it and it was a success, you didn't succeed but you liked it enough to keep trying or you bombed but had an awesome story to tell your friends!

so why should things be any different today?  hopefully it is not pride holding you back.  who cares if you have an epic fail?  no one but you is keeping score anyway - so let yourself go and begin.  standing on the edge of yourself . . . it just sounds like a good place to be!  nothing except you holding yourself back.  give yourself permission.  just think of the feeling you will have once you start.  even if it is just a baby step . . . begin. 

see you on the edge . . . 

good . . . bad . . . nothing

on two different occasions i have picked up a magazine called nylon.  its a glossy, slick, "it girl" magazine.  fashion forward but not trendy.  more edgy i suppose.  it sort of reminds me of a magazine that photographers who are true to their soul would aspire to shoot for.  raw even. 

anyway, there was an article in it written about an up and coming actress named mila kunis.  many of you will recognize her by sight if her name does not ring a bell.  regardless, she had a quote that keeps haunting my mind.

if you listen to the good, you have to listen to the bad. so, i listen to nothing.

i sort of like it.  here is why:

• we put way too much emphasis on what others think
• one person's good is another person's bad
• there is no way to please everyone
• if we listen to nothing we might have the time to hear what our original thoughts are

it's just a thought.  what do you think?

help me . . . don't hinder me

dictionary.com says achievement is defined as a noun and is something accomplished, especially by superior ability, special effort, great courage, etc.; a great or heroic deed.

 

so when exactly does achievement begin?  we have gotten quite good at celebrating the success of a job well done, a goal met, a challenge overcome.  passed your spelling test? way to go!  got a raise? nice job!  lost weight? super!  hit your sales goals? great!

but what about when the achievement actually begins?  isn't that the time we should kick in to high 'you can do it' mode?  isn't the process that leads to success just as important as the end result?  isn't the very first part of success having the courage to actually begin? 

too many times we sit back and watch.  maybe we observe as the road blocks begin to appear and possibly even use the toe of our shoe to help nudge them out in to the path.  or we talk about all of the reasons the attempt won't work, the person is all wrong for the journey, it's too dangerous, you are too young, too old, too tall, too short, too busy, not busy enough.

perhaps i have gotten cynical but it seems to me that we spend more time reflecting on what went wrong, who failed, who did it incorrectly, who was mistaken or wide of the mark rather than focusing on someone who has the courage to actually begin the process.

as we begin to take inventory of 2010 and focus on 2011 i challenge you to change the way you think. dedicate the time you would typically spend worrying and begin to encourage those around you who are just beginning their journey to achievement.  

it came upon a midnight clear

hey joe, can i talk to you for a minute?

sure, what's up?

well, its time.

ok.  are you nervous?

yes, i am.  i suppose i shouldn't be but i've never done this before.

yes, i know.  i have to tell you something.  if we can get through this we can get through anything.  you know that don't you?

i have been so focused on how i am feeling i guess i have not thought about you very much.  thanks for standing by me.

of course.

seriously.  what you have done for me is more than most would ever consider.

it is overwhelming if i think about it too much.

i know what you mean.

i trust this will all work out.  we have to believe it will.

i do.  and i know i couldn't have done this without you.  thank you joe.

you are so beautiful mary.  

merry christmas

you and i must make a pact

i have been honored, laughed at, laughed with, schmoozed, bamboozled, complimented, leered at, hit on, joked with, flattered, hurt, insulted, misinterpreted, loved, and scolded.  i have been thanked, berated, ill advised, ignored, lied to, challenged and apologized to (two, too).

i would gladly settle for listened to, accepted and maybe appreciated.

i commit to offer an ear, offer acceptance and appreciate those whom i interact with.

in the words of the jackson 5...

You and I must make a pact
we must bring salvation back
where there is love, I'll be there

really - i WILL be there

this. that. the other.

sometimes things do not turn out how you planned, expected or anticipated.  that is not to say that things turned out wrong.  just different. 

how you deal with your new path is your responsibility.  don't sell out to pity, whining or excuses.

pause to reflect.  acknowledge the lesson.  sit in the lesson until you learn it.

accept your responsibility.  make your future choices based on the new knowledge you have gained. 

and then begin again.

small ponderings

i am the first to admit my mind is a vast place (space?) of wonder and intrigue.  so i give you a couple of reoccurring thoughts i live with . . . ponder with me.

• when i look at color do i see the same color that you do?
• we all process things differently and have opinions that are as varied as we are - so how is it possible that emotions like sadness, humor, pride, appreciation of beauty, etc. strike such a common chord?
• when we are on the outside of an issue looking in, how come the view is so painfully clear? yet if the roles were reversed and we were on the inside of the issue our clarity would be clouded by emotions like sadness, humor. pride, appreciation of beauty, etc. ?  And didn't we just contemplate the common chord they strike?  so, shouldn't we be able to have clarity on either side of the issue?  think about it . . .
• why is brown cake called chocolate cake but white cake is not called vanilla cake - it is called white cake . . . ?
• remember the movie "finding nemo"?  why is nemo not pronounced like memo with an n?
• i think it is really funny when skit actors on snl get the giggles during their skits. 
• you know those couples that truly enjoy each others company (think laurie and tony, missy and greg, carl and marsha, kevin and carol)?  are they happy because they make the choice to be that way, is it chemistry or a combination of these two things?
• when was the last time you tough loved someone and did you regret it in hindsight?

that is all for now.

real

i sat so very still and tried to hide what i was thinking.  but that never really works for me - unless i am asleep i can be read like a first grade primer. so i opened up and spilled.  it was cathartic.  it was the right thing to do.

amazingly, my day improved.  conversations went a bit smoother, i was much more tolerant of those i ran across.  i saw things through new eyes.  my tone was kinder.  i laughed more.  it was like an unexpected gift.

as my good friend said to me tonight, "you know, i'm trying very hard to be real. it shouldn't take practice.  but it does"  how very true.  how very true.

may your days be filled with real.  and your nights be filled with no regret for not having been real.

i don't even like me today . . .

not one to miss an opportunity i am doing my best to embrace today.  it has not been particularly pleasant.  it started out with a stark realization that i was uncharacteristically unkind yesterday.  i made a snide comment after a girl whom i did not even know, left the business establishment where she worked.  the comment was regarding her "not dressing to her potential".  it has bothered me all day.  what an awful thing for me to say.  shame on me.

my extended family decided to adopt a needy family in our community.  i spent the majority of my afternoon shopping for the mom, her parents and brother.  simple items were requested. like warm clothes and coats.  you would have thought shopping for someone else would have put me in the christmas spirit.  it usually does. i wrapped the presents.  they look nice.  my mood has not changed.

what is the matter with me? 

welcome

it is the time of year everyone refers to as "the holidays". please help me understand what exactly that means.  dictionary.com defines holiday as a day fixed by law or custom on which ordinary business is suspended in commemoration of some event or in honor of some person.


 so what do the holiday's truly mean to you?  do you celebrate the birth of the savior? or do you celebrate the bestowing of gifts upon you and your family?  or maybe you reminisce about things that have happened in your religious or personal past.  or possibly you have just recently finished celebrating your heritage?  

i care less about what it is that you are celebrating and more about YOUR ability to articulate what you believe in.  can you say out loud what tenets are so important to you that no matter what you will not waiver?  what, in good conscience, are you willing to step away from your work load and still accept pay while you celebrate?  i tongue in cheek talk about worshiping at st. mattress of the springs.   most say 'where is that located?'  i politely tell them it is in the neighborhood. suffice it to say corporate worship has left me underwhelmed.

but that is not to say my faith in god has wavered.  i am a believer.  it is part of my being.  but i have soured on the religiosity that finds its way to the front of main stream america.  that part of religion makes my stomach turn, my body feel like a good hurl and my blood boil . . . pick a venom and i feel it. 

i love.  but i am human.  . . . and admittedly i fall terribly short . . . i am open to you and all that makes you who you are.  please, feel welcome at my table.  i hope you seek out like minded people.  i truly believe that if we share our love for each other we really can make  the world a better place.


and until that happens - well, what is one more person being kind?  that isn't such a bad thing now is it?  so, in light of the holidays, may you find peace and joy and a place to call home.  may you feel special and loved and accepted no matter where you are.  and if you feel yourself coming up short, give me a shout and you can join the merry band of people who love each other right where we are.

its just my imagination runnin' away with me . . .

which one are you?
is one more right than the other? 
if it is done out of love is it wrong?
would i care if it did not intersect with me?

are you the kind of person who loves so much you cannot help but share everything no matter what it is?
are you the kind of person who loves so much you keep some of the sticky and painful parts to yourself out of respect for the other person?

if there are holes in your story or patterns change without notice or explanation you can bet your bottom dollar it will be filled with a tale tall enough to reach. . . .

where is jack handy when all you seek is obvious clarity

• what am i doing here?  i do not belong.  i do not fit.  not in a selfish way.  but in a flat, open, derelict sort of way.  life pads on and i step in to situations that neither embrace the way i think nor do they allow for anything other than a stiff and prescribed way of acting which i can neither accept nor understand.

• it is entirely possible to have such sensible shoes in your wardrobe that they become who you are.  look at the shoes of the people who you interact with.  i bet my best 6 inch stilettos that they reflect the personality, values, character and actions to a tee.  just a thought.  neither right or wrong.  just is.

• seldom do i feel more of a disconnect from reality than the week before christmas.  but this year is strangely different.  i am not buying presents for my family - it is a new day and we are buying for a family who actually has needs.  this is a good thing.   now if we would each not loose the lesson in giving what is truly needed - do you even understand what this means?

•  i have discovered a new depth within myself and i am so excited about it.  it is not public but you will be the first one to know once it is.  i can see it from here.  all i need is a bit more time and the story will be ready for consumption.  order an extra bucket of popcorn - this is going to be good.

• your crass, hateful, uppity behavior is not working - for you or on me.  you have become completely unapproachable and i can only feel bad for you as i can not interact with you when you act like that.  i do not know whether to be hurt from your actions, embarrassed about you or just pity you.  regardless, this is not a good way to live.  are you happy with yourself?  i have had enough.

• does my intolerance of hate stem from liminal relationships?

housekeeping and then some

here is the housekeeping part:

many of you have said how difficult it is to post on my blog - i cannot experience this since i am writing it.  please send me a message, a post, a text or call me and explain to me what is happening so i can address it.

the ones that have been able to post have said some really great stuff!  i hope you will help me honor them by reading their comments.  

i am so thrilled by the number of you who are reading.  get this - there have been 250 readers from the usa, 8 from canada (hi jaclyn!), 1 from croatia and 1 from pakistan.  how cool is that?

i am humbled by the kind notes i have received thanking me for being bold, brave, etc. and writing the blog.  i have to admit i do not feel brave.  writing my thoughts is like breathing or blinking.  it just happens and i embrace it because i am not sure i could stop it anyway - well, i could not write the thoughts down but the only reason  they get written is because they are there and what else can you do with thoughts besides express them?

i would welcome your suggestions of topics for me to write about.  i am rarely without something to write but would LOVE to have your suggestions.  (like marcus and dallas did in their comments!)  and trust me - those questions will be addressed.  but i have to feel it which means i need to go back and re-read what was written, think about it and then write . . . and i will!  

and here is the and then some part:

as i reflect on what i have been experiencing over the last few weeks there are several lessons that i can not ignore:

• life is about the downs as much as the ups
• there are no guarantees that things will work out to my preferences and i refuse to sit out the journey, adventure or experience just because i can not see the future or the outcome
• many people are walking through life in a sort of lifeless, soulless stupor and i am not even sure they realize it - and it makes me sad - so take a look in the mirror and either do something about it or do your hair - your choice
• i can look in your eyes and tell if you are ok or not - do not try and pretend - it is unbecoming to a lady and a gentleman both - and that goes for me as well
• goodness comes around in lots of different packages - might i suggest you unwrap one of them

and here are just a few things to try as you have time:

• catch someone doing something good instead of doing something bad
• buy an ice cream cone, pay for the next person in line and then smile and leave
• listen to music of an artist you have quite possibly never heard of - might i suggest carla bruni
• ask a person of significant age what color their hair was when they were young and then listen
• stop pretending everything is ok when it is not
• discover the difference between recognition and appreciation and then practice it

that is just the beginning of the list but sleep calls so i must stop for now.  i appreciate you taking the time to read my blog.  thank you for sharing a bit of your day with me.

dinner 1 staci 0

i eat the majority of my meals alone.  (with the exception of a few out of this world friends and family who rework their schedules to accommodate my ridiculous one)  i am ok with dining alone.  i typically have a pb&j if i have bread at home or if i am traveling i eat whatever i can find nearby my mid-priced range hotel - typically something wrapped in paper or that requires plastic service ware - chipotle and subway are loyal standbys.  i take advantage of hotline.com as i fly in and out of airports and book myself in a four star hotel ever chance i get - and then i am super lame-o and order room service.

but tonight i ventured out!  a wonderful friend of mine challenged me to go downstairs at my fancy-schmancy hotel and order a decent meal.  so, i powdered my nose, back combed my weary hair and set out in search of a mouth watering plate of vittles - but more important, conversation.  upon entering the dimly lit but nicely appointed restaurant from the bank of elevators, i spotted the sign that said to approach the hostess stand for a seat.  in an effort to make friends (or at least in an attempt to remove a brick from my barrier [see yesterday's blog]) i took a seat at the bar next to a lady, about my age, who appeared to be alone.  i ordered a glass of red wine.

now almost every single person who is reading this would think this is not too much of a stretch for an outgoing girls such as myself . . . but those of you who really, really know me can attest to my i'd really rather be at home or with my very close circle of friends than i would entertaining the masses attitude . . . seriously.  anyway, i specifically sat next to the only other lady in the bar thinking this would be a great way to strike up a conversation and "meet some fabulous people" as i was instructed could be done if i was in the right frame of mind.

so i ask her where she hails from and what business brings her here, etc. clearly not very smashing topics as  demonstrated by quickly turning to the gentleman next to her on the other side and striking up a conversation about how many beers he had to drink before he found his favorite.  so i turned my attention to the two gentleman sitting on the other side of me.  they were yucking it up about missing happy hour as they finished quaffing (that's a snoopy term) down the last of their second round of cocktails.  i suggested they drink faster so as not to miss the close of happy hour - and they laughed - - -  and left.

so, i ate my pasta and delicious rustic bread.  alone.  in silence.  all the while wondering where the skill to start a conversation with a stranger goes once i hang up my work hat.  why is it i struggle making conversation over dinner in a hotel restaurant/bar yet i am perfectly comfortable asking for $2 million dollars or closing a multi-year sales deal?  is it the stereo typical, possibly looming pick-up that frightens me or an i could care less attitude that permeates my very being?  that doesn't really sound much like me.  but this i know - i suck really bad at small talk with people who i do not know and will not know past the dinner hour.

this is not to say i will never try again - because i am not a quitter and i imagine i will give it another try again.  but i must say, room service, a 20% gratuity and a $3.00 delivery charge doesn't sound so bad right now.

i tried but it just feels too vulnerable right now . . . maybe its the season

on more than one occasion i have been encouraged to write something about myself.  not my view on something outside of me or my opinion of a situation or a societal norm, but something personal.  something about who i am, what i think, something i have experienced personally.  me. 

that is really hard.  i have worked the past i don't know how many years carefully constructing a barrier around myself so as not to get hurt and it feels really odd to think about letting the outside see the inside of me.  so i have spent the entire evening thinking about what to write about.  what to say.  what could i possibly have to share that would be of interest to others.

i guess it is just not in the cards tonight as i can not come up with anything that i am comfortable sharing.  i did discover i have a ton of stuff floating around in my heart and head that i should get out.  but i am not sure this is the venue. 

so my parting comments are as heartfelt as they come - there is a lot inside of me.  sometimes it is hard to force it out.  be kind.  be gentle.  do not judge.  it doesn't take much to force a retreat.  i will try again soon.  that is all.  capisci?

hey, i saw that

over the years i have become an astute observer of people.  it helps pass the time and it gives me something to think about when things are quiet.  i have fairly high intuition and watching how people interact with others is fascinating to me.

i see a lot of scowls on faces and they intrigue me greatly.  i see goofy, puppy eyed lovers looking longingly at each other and it gives me hope.  i see complacent looks of boredom and it makes me sad.  i see people who completely ignore who they are with and it makes me want to intervene.

i guess the point is we are never out of the line of others if we are in public - people are watching.  so what is the story they see when they see you?  you know there is truly not a whole lot that we can control - how we act is one of them. 

so, what kind of story would your actions tell?

they grew up

allow me to set the stage for you . . .

i am standing in my hotel room
at the bar were the coffee machine, microwave and mini-fridge reside
the plug in at the desk doesn't work
it is very very late
i often write in my head as the day progresses
then i hit the key board and fine tune the message
but not tonight
this one is unfolding as i type

when our children are babies we hold them and look into their sweet pink faces and hope for the very best for them.  we can't help but wonder who they will be when they grow up.  we pray for them counting on our prayers to come true.

it is rare, or at least for me it is rare, to have the opportunity to see and hear of both of my children's character on the same day.  today was that day for me.

i had the honor and pleasure of attending the birthday party of my oldest son's girlfriend.  she is a delightful young lady whom i am fortunate enough to have a relationship separate from tel.  she invited me to celebrate with her very close knit family, childhood friends and her core group of friends today.  these were her people.  her very closest best people.  her i'm in trouble in the middle of the night and yet i could still call you people.  and right in the middle of all of them was tel.  and they love him.  he knows their names and pokes fun of them and they dish it right back.  i can not tell you how many people came up to me and complimented me on what a great young man he is. how he fits in.  how he is such a kind person who is the first to offer help.  aunts and uncles and cousins say he is the nicest person ever.  and girl friends from junior high and high school tell me what a gentleman he is. i could go on but i would not know where to stop - he is a great young man. 

cole spent the day hunting with a dear friend of mine who is in his late 70's.  the two of them have an unlikely friendship.  with the exception of an occasional conversation about work that needs to be done on the farm the two of them rarely talk to each other - unless there is a bird to hunt or a plan to be made to hunt that bird.  they have a mutual respect for each other but their paths do not intertwine regularly.  however they would both call each other friend.  in the midst of today's hunt the older gentleman's dog went to retrieve a bird in the middle of the pond.  it was a typical windy day in december and the dog, for whatever reason, became panic stricken and began to drown.  cole saw it go under and wasted no time going after it.  now mind you it was in the high 20's or low 30's as he waded into frigid, chest high water to save the drowning dog. i asked cole what his friend said to him after he saved the dog and replied quite simply, "thanks for saving my dog".  little fan fare was repeated but i am doubtful that more was not given.

both of my boys have grown into caring, responsible young men who often put the needs and feelings of others before their own.  as sappy as it may seem, as a parent there is hardly anything more wonderful than realizing your children have indeed grown up - and into the kind of people that we prayed they would as babies.  those boys make me so proud and i love them more than all of the times all of the parents in the entire world have looked into their baby's faces and hoped and prayed they would turn out good.  i know mine turned out incredible . . . and i am humbled.

wash and a set

i went to work
it was a long day
i drove three hours to get there
i had meetings all day
i drove three hours to get back home
i arrived in my town at 8:45 tired from the day
i stopped by g'mas house to wash and set her hair
when i walked in there she sat in her wheelchair with wet hair
she had washed her own hair which is no small feat at her age
i set her hair
we laughed about ridiculous stuff that would mean nothing to anyone else but us
we planned her birthday party
if we are going to have cake we need ice cream
she said to get the bargain kind because no one her age will know the difference anyway
she makes me laugh
suddenly i do not feel tired anymore

private parts . . . everybody has them

private parts.  you know, the parts that are tucked away for no one else to see?  the parts that are always covered, fiercely guarded, not even really appropriate to talk about?  as kids they caused us to snicker and giggle.  as teens they caused us to blush.  and as adults - well, it appears to be a whole new ball game! 

however, since early 2004 it has become socially acceptable and even encouraged to bare it all.  there are hardly any topics that are not shared, exposed, laughed about, poked, photographed and commented on.  where did the modesty go?  are we comfortable with this new sensationalism or are we just so wrapped up in the thrill of knowing all that we barely recognize what is happening to us? 

now i am hardly a prude, but i do think a certain amount of decorum is a good thing to embrace.  so, as you continue posting on facebook i do hope you will keep this in mind.  (hee hee)

feelings. nothing more than feelings

i wish i could feel change.  i can feel it coming.  i can tell when it is about to happen.  i am even able to identify the difference once it takes place.  but i would love to be able to feel the exact moment in time when it happens.  when skipping goes from being fun to the moment it is uncool.  when did that happen?  when i was in love to when i could not feel it any more.

was it gradual or was there a moment in time when it switched, crossed over, changed sort of like a light switch?  and if you could pinpoint the moment would you stop it?  change its course?  shout "do over!"?

so much of our lives is programmed for us: drive here, not there.  go this speed, not that speed.  here are your choices - pick this one or that one.  show up here and do this job.  now i recognize complete disregard to society and the rules made to govern would result in complete and utter chaos.  and quite frankly, i am not suggesting we not have rules.

but i am questioning why perfectly capable people give up.  completely.  is it a function of lazy?  is it just too much effort to put out there especially when what you have isn't that bad after all. is it blissful ignorance?

do me a favor and make sure you are conscientiously making the decision to disengage.  don't let it just happen . . . that would just be wrong.

five little monkeys jumping on the bed . . .

you know, sometimes you just have to stop and celebrate the little things that you have accomplished during the day.  it seems to me that we are so busy rushing from one task to the next, or worse yet - dreading something that is in our future that we have no control over, that we do not take the time to enjoy what we have achieved, experienced or are about to experience.  we have so much, yet we just rush, rush, rush through the day's activities to the next thing.  yes, this is about stopping and smelling the roses.

so here is my list of things i did today.  this is not a complete list of accomplishments but things i am rather proud of, happy i survived or enjoy reflecting on . . .

• l.a. traffic on the 405!  tons of vehicles moving really fast at the same time - and yes, i was driving
• realized just how many songs refer to streets in california
• booked my own multi-city flight and even got a decent price
• cashed in some hotel bonus points for a weekend excursion
• said at least 1044 words today that had meaning
• had the joy of being checked in on by my dear sweet friend [thanks for the text!  :)]
• didn't plan my day very well and neglected to eat until 7 pm.  but when i did - boy was it good!
• sat in silence in my hotel room the entire evening - phone turned off - tv turned off - no music - ahhhh
• made some serious strides with a client today
• saw palm trees and wondered how they got there - highly creative yet unlikely placement
• congratulated two people on going way above and beyond the call of duty
• bounced on the bed - really!

it is so good to be me!  how was your day?

it is time

  
    the powerful crash
        the salt hangs in the air
            the movement never stops
                the smell is unique unto itself
                    the melodic noise mesmerizes 
                        the colors are beyond imagination
                            the depth is difficult to comprehend
                                the vast size screams you are so very small compared to me
                                    it is time to put me in my place

naked in the wheat field

i have a few questions for you.  are you ready?  i'll wait a minute until you are comfortable.  it won't take long to answer but you will need a clear head.  turn off the music or the tv.  if others are around try not to let their presence distract you.  ready? 

• describe yourself
• who are you 

that wasn't too hard now was it?  ok - let's do it again and this time you cannot use any of the following items to describe yourself:

• who you are married too, separated from, divorced from, survivor of, living with or dating
• your child(ren), pet(s), parent(s), sibling(s) or friend(s)
• your job, career, school or hobby
• no mention of accomplishments, titles, degrees or appointments
• nothing bestowed upon you by some one or some thing

i want you to describe who you are not what you are.  really think about it.  ponder what defines you as you.  what sets you apart from any one else?  you are special - but can you define it?

i call this my naked in the wheat field theory.  imagine yourself standing naked in the middle of a wheat field.  no one else is around you.  it is quiet except for the shush of the stalks of wheat gently blowing in the wind (don't worry, the wheat is still short).  the reason you are naked is to force you to figuratively not hide behind labels, titles or other decorations you have picked up along the road of life. 

i challenge you - go through this exercise until you can describe who you are.  i would love to hear what you come up with.  send me a message or post in the comments section for all to see.  be bold!  and above all, be real.

curb check

you are in the forefront of my mind.  are you aware of this?  do you know it?  do you care?  some people classify you as my friend.  others do not know you even exist.  i, true to form, could care less what others think of you and am much more concerned with what YOU think of yourself.

as you read this you probably wonder who this is addressing.  who am i talking to?  it is addressing you!   do you know that?  do you care?  do you see the goodness in yourself?  i see it.  i see it every day.  i am aware of it as i watch how you treat others.  kindness is a choice you make.  i cannot verify how many years you have been this way but for as long as i have known you, you have been nice.

and look at the way you interact with those clamoring to be around you.  people flock to you.  i understand the draw.  they are like a moth to the flame.  people want a piece of you.  how much can you give before you loose yourself to the masses? 

i watch from the sidelines and wonder what keeps you grounded.  is it the importance of the notoriety that keeps you propelling forward?  do you tire?  do you seek rest? do you seek solitude?  why do you keep the pace you keep?  do you care about the acquaintances that care about you?   how much do you really know about them?  do they really matter?

you see, each one of us floats through this thing called life making a HUGE impression on others we have no clue are even watching.  might i suggest you treat your important stuff really important.  and the medium important stuff - give it some attention but not the good stuff.  save the good stuff for the really important/good stuff.  and the not so important - give it a nod and move on.

i recognize you have years of practice being everything to everyone.  many rely on you.  you are the mother, the father, the peacemaker, the conflict resolution master and everything else.  but trust me, it doesn't have to be that way...you are the captain(esse) of your ship and it is past time for you to act like it.  this is far less about you liking the chores in front of you and more about putting your head down and getting through it!  you have no idea what is waiting for you on the other side - but i have a strong feeling you are going to like it.  a lot.  it will be rare.  and familiar all at the same time.

might i be so bold as to tell you not to miss the ride!  the bus comes around every 30 minutes and the ride is cheap...but one of these days the stairs are going to be too steep for you to climb and once you do get to the top -the view is going to be way different. 

choose wisely my friend.

this one hurts

she sits in her wheelchair.  her soft gray hair grazes the neck of her floral house coat.  i help her slip on her fleece bootie-style house slippers to keep her bare feet warm.  her blue and white polka dotted jammies are laid out over the corner of the rocking chair ready for her to put on after her hair is washed and set.  she has sorted the hair curlers in their plastic, pink box by size . . . so it is easier for me to find what i am looking for.

her hands grip the edge of the sink and she uses all her strength to pull herself up out of her wheelchair.  i lay my hand on the small of her back so she knows i am there - but she does the work.  she wants to.  as long as she can.  almost obediently she bends over into the sink to allow the warm water to gently rush over her head.  her thin, fine, gray hair feels soft and silky in my hands.  hair must be washed thoroughly.  twice.  by two different types of shampoo.  and completely rinsed in between each lathering.  make sure you wash it good.  but don't scrub the scalp too hard.  the skin is old and tender you know.  she never stops talking. even when her entire head is under the steady stream of water. 

again my hand is on the small of her back as she sits back down in her chair.  her legs are chilly.  i instinctively lay a small quilt over them.  she smiles up at me as she tells me about the philly cheese steak sandwich she had for supper.  she did not like it and does not understand why they took a perfectly good piece of roast beef and put that white cheese on it.  but the broccoli was cooked in delicious cheese sauce and the cookies were crunchy - not those undercooked, soft ones.  she sweetly requested the kitchen to prepare me a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of tomato soup.  she got a cookie for me too. 

i begin the self-taught rolling of her hair as she prattles on reminding me not to roll it up or it will stick out on the sides. make sure to roll it down.  always roll it down.  she asks if it still looks shiny and  healthy.  of course it does.  she updates me on the medical woes of her friends like i have known them for years and care deeply who is battling what.  i am less concerned about their health and more impressed that she knows all of their names. 

i do a few chores for her around her tiny apartment and prepare to leave.  i have been with her for an hour and a half and she is getting sleepy.  i offer to help her put her jammies on and she says she will once her metamucil leaves her.  this makes me smile.  the comings and goings of her digestive track is the one constant in her life.  it is what she spends her days monitoring.  i make a mental note to keep these thoughts to myself when i am her age.  i bet i share the same details with my grandchild just like she does.

i lean over and kiss her on the forehead and then on each cheek and one on the lips too.  she smells like dove soap.  childhood memories rush in to my head and i am suddenly overcome with emotion and the tears spring to my eyes.  i am holding her tiny hand in mine and croak out the words i love you so much grandma.  she sees the tears in my eyes and she gets them too.  i tell her i am going to miss her so much when she is gone.  i tell her how lucky i am to have had the joy of spending the last several years getting to know her as a person - not just as my grandma.  i tell her she is one of my closest friends.  she tells me i am her best friend and i begin to cry again.  she tells me not to cry that she is still here and isn't going anywhere yet.  i say i know and i try to reiterate the depth of my appreciation for her and our deep friendship.

she thanks me for coming and spending my friday night with her.  no one i would rather be with.  we get through our good byes and i walk the length of the hallway and outside in to the crisp night air.  i wonder what she is thinking about.  on the way home i eat the cookie.  i remember her words to me - "the um, the uh, you know, the, the, the holy spirit!  yes, the holy spirit.  he will comfort you when i am gone".  yes i know grandma...but he is not you.

sneakers or heels

circumstances run out of control
mouths run nonstop
budgets run short
meetings run over
relationships run aground
plans run amuck
speeches run long
people run ragged
pets run away
ideas run dry
health runs down
bills run up
time runs out

i think i will walk

what are those eyes telling you

i feel vulnerable.  there.  i said it.  out loud.  no, really, i did.  i sat right here at my dining room table and i said the words 'i feel vulnerable' out loud. (it is not enough to say you did something if you didn't really do it)  so i said it.

why is this relevant?  because i am the strong one.  i am the one others call for support and to be uplifted and motivated by.  i get the call when the pieces are falling apart.  did you do something spectacular and you want to celebrate - call me!  i am the consummate cheerleader.  need a safe place to set your cares - i can do that too.  i am the one that is there no matter what.  having a bad day?  need a laugh?  need some perspective?  i am your girl!  i've got your back and i always will.  AND I LOVE IT.  but . . .

but sometimes, every once in a while, i am not equipped for that role.  sometimes i want someone to look me in the eyes and know.  without me saying it.  i can see it in others - can't anyone see it in me? 

ok - enough of the vulnerability shtick - it just doesn't work for me.  (note to self - maybe that is why no one ever asks - i tuck things away rather quickly don't i?  but i digress).  back on track - the whole reason i bring up this topic is for you to pause for just a second and reflect on who the person is in your life that is your go-to person.  your no matter what they are there for you person.  it is an honor to be that person.  it really is!  but every now and again it is really nice to get the authentic care and gentle concern first.  it is ok to be the one that asks the questions and then listens.  and it is a wonderful feeling to receive a bear hug for no particular reason.  look in those eyes that are constantly looking out for you and make sure they are not pools of unmet emotion.

let's face it - we are all primarily the person who is the giver or the receiver.  and we all have a place in the world so this is not about being something or someone you are not.  but what this is about is making sure you are giving your caretaker a little fill up every once in a while. 

how much can one take

i rarely watch the news but thought i would tune in tonight.  not to be a "moto" (master of the obvious) but the world as we know it will never be as it once was.  just read the list of words that were used in the first seven minutes of the newscast.
suspicion
alarm
bomb
cuts
total loss
violent
major damage
shut down
eliminate
misleading
no other way
deficiet
not enough money
short fall
debt

my heart is heavy.  i shall turn the tv back off again.  it is not that i want to live a life of oblivion but i do not possess the ability to affect the things i saw and now i carry them with me.

i express my hope and desire that some day i could watch the news and somewhere buried between all of the horrible things that are reported the following words might be tucked away
thanks
enough
selfless
again
helpful
kind
gave
stood
honor
success
weathered
sacrificed

until that day i will remain optimistic (and most likely uninformed).

the canvas is white and clean and all that is needed is heart

have you ever had a clean slate or better yet, a blank canvas in front of you - metaphorically speaking of course.  no rules.  no expectations.  no one to tell you you can't or shouldn't.  no chance of failure.  no threat of being denied or worse yet, laughed at.  no consequences.  no punishment forthcoming.  no taunting or tattling.  just a blank canvas waiting for you to fill it with the glorious wonder that can only come out of your precious imagination.

its a daunting task to dirty a canvas!  just think - with every movement a fabulous new color will appear.  whatever your heart desires will convert the blank canvas in to a beautiful rendition of your world.  it could manifest itself in a kind deed for someone in need, a gentle word to a stranger, an encouraging nod to someone who is struggling, a knowing glance to someone who is looking for reassurance.  it might be the courage to say i love you or i need you.  or maybe to apologize for something you did wrong.  or even to sit quietly and just listen . . .

every one's canvas will look different.  the delivery will barely be recognizable.  the outcomes will not resemble each others.  but what will be the same is the condition of the heart.  for it is nearly impossible to create, care, love and share anything good, wholesome and lovely from within ourselves without involving the heart.  and when you lead with your heart you are no longer thinking about yourself.

so find a blank canvas (an opportunity) and paint something wonderful.  and when you do make sure you are leading with your heart.  remember that feeling of leading with your heart and try incorporating it in all you do.  that is not to say you should not think as well.  but knocking off the sharp points of your mind with a little love never hurt anyone.

mask on mask off

there is you that others see.  the public you.  the you that is so much you that maybe even you don't recognize it is the put on you.  you know, your game face.  the my life is really tough so i am going to muddle right through it you. the i made this choice and i am going to see it through you.  the committed you.  the i can do this anyway you.  the tough you.  the i am fine you.

and then there is the you that you know.  the yes i get mad you.  the slide in your socks across the kitchen floor you.  the sing out loud and slightly off key you.  the hopeless romantic you.  the you that secretly wishes you could just slow down a little bit and breathe.  maybe even give the ideas swirling around your brain a safe place to come to fruition you.  the you that doubts, wonders, cries, laughs, wants to believe.  the you that wants to say out loud when you have made a mistake or changed your mind.  the you that wants real.

who knows that person?  do you have anyone in your circle that you fully let in?  it is a vulnerable place to be.  but if you are brave enough to allow it to happen - it is a really great thing.  too many of us are walking through life with our game face on and truly missing connections that are valuable, conversations that are meaningful, relationships that are fulfilling.

how many of you have had the honor of someone reaching out to you to be that safe place for them and how many missed the knock because you were too busy being the you that you really aren't?  not only are you missing out you are denying someone else what they need from you.

as we undoubtedly begin the busiest time of year i challenge you to take your mask off and be authentic.  real.  raw.  vulnerable.  open.  accepting.  pick one person you trust and open up.  you don't have to proclaim you are going to now communicate your deepest darkest secrets.  start small.  have one conversation with no exaggerations or embellishments.  just talk.  real feelings.  real thoughts.  real dreams.  real concerns.  what do you have to loose?

isn't reality tv really an oxymoron

many of you may know i am not much of a tv watcher - but i broke down and bought one this weekend and i have it plugged in and working now.  it is really cool.  42 inches of clear, crisp picture.  i must have basic cable because i have several channels and i even have some of the same channels twice!  i just keep flipping through the channels because i not only have a tv but i also have a remote control. this is a new feature as well.  but i digress.

so i settled in for a quiet saturday night on the couch watching an animated movie about a bee and the honey industry.  i find myself terribly distracted by all of the hollywood stars whose voices are featured in the movie.  the story line is, well, not my cup of tea, but the underlying message is entertaining enough.  but it is the commercials that remind me why i do not watch much television.

between the over zealous christmas commercials to the extremely chipper news reporters inviting me to watch the most depressing stories to snippet after snippet of the latest reality show, i find myself over stimulated and a bit underwhelmed.  i typically watch about an hour of tv a month so i am the first to admit i am a bit out of the loop . . . i had no idea there was a show where overweight americans competed on national tv to see who could loose the most weight!  who knew?  that is just crazy!  but i digress AGAIN.

the point - don't forget to think.  think for yourself.  dream a dream.  make up a story.  sing a song.  have a conversation.  create something artistic.  draw a picture.  write a poem.  compose a song.  dance.  paint.  redecorate.  do not let your creative side turn to mush.  it is way too easy to sit back and let the tv become your life. 

where has all of the fun gone

at what point did you quit having fun?  was it a decision you made on purpose or did you just slip in to the mundane?  look around you and identify your joy.  can you?  is it near or is it just a memory?

are you one of the lucky ones that laugh through the tough stuff?  and how about skipping?  when was the last time you skipped?  i skipped down the sidewalk in front of some stores just last week.  i was happy and i just skipped.  i didn't do it for long because i got my fill - and i did it because i wanted to.

maybe you are content with where you are and if that is the case then i toast you!  but if you are not content with your situation maybe it is time to deal with it.  if we make our adult status into a sentence of boredom, ordinary, everyday, routine and humdrum then shame on us! 

i believe we should be able to get the heart out of the watermelon of life!  take a big ol' bite of juicy goodness right out of the middle of whatever situation you are in and savor it.  too many people are walking around as the living dead.  no light.  no joy.  no wonder.  no thrill.  no inquisition.  no laughter.  no fun.  no skip.  no giggle.  it doesn't have to be that way you know.

so, turn over a new leaf or a bar chair or a new trick and live a little.  get back to the part of your life that brings you sheer joy and do more of that and less of the part that brings you down.  ultimately it is your choice.  we are here for an undetermined amount of time.  choose wisely my friend.

you will never know how much i love you

grandma, i used every single ounce of my being today to memorize the sound of your voice, the twinkle in your eye and the joy on your face as you were surrounded  by your family.  i fixed your hair, your plate and your scarf.  i found a straw, a blanket and time for you.  i watched you from across the room as others interacted with you and i felt protective of you.  i waited in the wings as you greeted everyone who darted in and out for a morsel of grandma-time. 

you looked lovely in your warm clothes.  you ate a good meal, took a little nap in front of the fire wrapped up in the afghan mom made and you tucked your elbows in like a champ so they would not bonk the walls or door jambs as we made our way in your wheelchair to the restroom all of those times.

when i got the pillow adjusted just right you smiled and said 'now we're cooking with gas!"  i didn't even know you knew that saying!  and you could hardly get the words out you were giggling so hard when you told me what tel did to cole.  i love it that you can laugh at your crazy great grandsons.

i was so proud of you today as you walked behind your own wheelchair from the back bathroom to the kitchen.  you are a rock star grandma.  you always have been.  the love and respect i have for you is so deep and so real.  sometimes it catches me off guard that i am capable of loving you as much as i do.

we have such a special friendship and love for each other.  we tell each other every single day how important we are to each other - but it just doesn't seem like enough.  i should do more.  i wish i could give you some youth - i know you would not waste it away like i have done.  do you know that i refuse to begin using my new phone out of fear i might loose the voice mail messages that i have saved of your voice?  do you know that i would do anything for you?  do you know how much i love washing your unmentionables out by hand every week?  do you know i think the only reason your hair looks so good after i cut, wash and set it since i have no clue what i am doing is because of the love i have for you.

today you stood in the mirror with your withered hands holding the comb i gave you so you could work on your side bang a little.  then your gentle hands pushed your hair around a bit as if to say "hey, i look good!".  i love being part of those moments.  i cherish them.  how i wish i could keep you forever.  you have no idea how very important you are to me.  even though we have our special words we say to each other it just seems like i should be doing more to love you.

maybe i will read this entry to you.  and i will do my best to explain what the internet is and what a blog is and how the words are out here for anyone to see.  but what i will work the very hardest at is showing you how the love you show me has made me a more loving person.

sometimes it is ok to just list the good stuff

with so much to be thankful for i find myself at a loss of what to write.  it is not that i am not thankful - i am.  but i am not comfortable with kitschy, cliche-riddled thanksgiving fodder.  i struggle with this time of year anyway and the thought of writing about how thankful i am for people and opportunty that i should honor on a regular basis seems disingenuous or contrived.

instead, i am going to list some intangibles that are difficult to attach to a specific person or circumstance but are pretty darn cool when they do happen!

• the smell of lilacs coming through an open window after a summer nap
• finding $1 in your coat pocket left over from last winter
• discovering you are an hour early
• one more oreo in the row you thought was empty
• bag fries (you know, the 2 french fries that jump out of the fries holder into the bottom of the bag)
• how grandma's voice sounds so different when she takes her teeth out
• wild turkeys crossing the road right in front of you the day before thanksgiving with no regard
• a glance
• anticipation
• the purr noise my cat makes
• admitting
• saying the same thing at the same time that someone else does
• remembering your pin number in the atm line
• knowing without hearing
• a pinkie swear
• being reminded without the person who is reminding you getting angry at you for not remembering
• saying yes - not ya
• a good hair day
• loving anyway
• the weight of heavy covers on a cold night
• having so many great memories running through your mind you can hardly decide which one to settle on
• validation
• remembering a feeling so vividly that you would swear you were reliving it
• discovering you are not alone
• realizing you never were
• trusting in what you can not explain
• hope
• great music
• wit

i hope you enjoy reading this blog as much as i like writing it.

where is the lesson learned

i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror just moments ago.  when did i grow up and become who i am today?  who and what got me here?  i can tell you it was not by choice, design or conscientious effort.  it just happened . . . really it did!  surely i would have remembered making the decision.  not that i wish to be a certain age younger than i am right now.  in fact, i do not.  but what i do wish is i could remember the method. 

as i sit here in the safe, warm cocoon i have created for myself and reflect on the path that got me here i have a difficult time being able to remember or articulate or feel the movement from infant to child, child to teen and teen to adult.  i can however, recall very specific moments.  and each of the moments have one common thread --- pain.

for it is in the pain that the lessons are learned.

do not rush through the pain.  not because it is good to be a martyr or living with your heart on your sleeve is noble or attractive.  but rather, it is in slow, even contemplation of the situations, relationships and events that have been weathered, experienced, stumbled through, botched royally and burnt to a crisp that you learn to not traipse down that path again.  or, if you choose to, choose to go with your eyes wide open.

i think it was . . . let's see . . . it was . . . um . . .

do you remember the very first time you met?  how about what you were wearing that day and the circumstances that brought you to that specific place?  was it intentional or was your meeting a coincidence?  did you prepare or was it serendipitous?  were you nervous or in total control? 

after the meeting were you satisfied with the outcome or desperately searching for the 'do-over' button? did you say the right thing and make the impression that you wanted?  what would you have done differently?  were you proud of the results?  who did you share the details with?

in hindsight, what changes would you have made?  would you do it again given the opportunity?  how many times did you replay that meeting over and over in your head?  was the memory laced with a smile, a smirk, a grimace or a frown? 

now . . . who is the person you envisioned?  you see, i purposefully did not ask you to envision a specific person - i left that up to you and your imagination.  did you focus on one person or could you even get one person to come to mind without more direction?

every time we meet someone it is a chance encounter.  a first impression just waiting to be born.  what kind of impression are you making?

never a day goes by that i do not appreciate this

i talked with a dear friend today.  it was an easy conversation.  nothing was forced.  it moved from topic to topic with little effort.  the discussion ranged from the weekend's activities to how we each felt about some pretty heavy topics.  as the dialogue wound around we laughed . . . a lot.  silly stuff.  inside jokes border-lining on stupid. and there was honesty.  a dump truck full of it.  the words were not always easy to say or to hear - but they were candid, real and meant a lot. 

as i reflect on the precious gift of what friendship truly is i marvel at its simplicity.  it is not built on what either of us do for a living.  there is little to no regard to our family structure, formal training or school, where we live or what our hobbies are.  it doesn't matter.

what does matter is the mutual respect and love we have for each other.  may i always be respectful and loving.  it is a good thing and i have a feeling we can all use a little more good thing right now.

all on a saturday

things i learned today

• debby is way stronger than she realized - i've known it for 29 years - she felt it today and it was good
• i am blessed with some incredible women in my life
• kelly
• leslie
• debby
• ame
• shelly
• mary
• joy
• you girls appear randomly and your timing is typically swell - i am quite sure i have not done a very good job telling you - so THANK YOU!
• sometimes alone is the coolest - sometimes it is not
• i am a very messy painter
• some songs indicate if you love purely you will be (fill in the blank here) - i do not agree with those songs - if you love purely then your reward is the fact that you loved purely
• as hard as i have tried i do not possess the ability to heal others hurts
• sometimes i just want to see country stars
• i can not remember a time in my life that i had more than i do right now - how did i get to this point?  i think it just happened
• this is the first time i have been right here yet i knew it was coming because it comes around every day - you know - time - that mysterious phenomenon that you cannot touch, taste, hold, smell or extend
• sacrificing for someone else is an exercise that teaches lessons that are sometimes hard to understand
• i think there is a sliver of light left over from an era gone by that twinkles when your life is aligned properly - i think that is magic
• there are a lot of opportunities that are missed because urgent steals attention
• i am looking for one particular thing - if i have not found it in 44 years maybe it does not exist
• my imagination is greater and more powerful than anything others say to me - it is light years ahead of its time
• expectations are best when articulated - when they are heard but go unmet maybe it is time to evaluate 
• seldom is my gut wrong
• i wish others could see the world through my brain
• i love g'ma

it's really all we have

i missed a night . . . and that, in hindsight, feels odd to me.  it was a conscious decision - but i wish i would have written.  i had something to say and now i can't remember it.

onward . . .

when you get right down to it, there is really very little that we truly "have".  all of our personal (material) belongings can be gone in a flash.  just ask the victim of a house fire.  but what no one can ever take from us is our integrity.

www.dictionary.com defines integrity as:   noun.  adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

so, at what point, if any, does integrity become optional?  and what, quite frankly, would possess someone to turn the integrity switch on and off?  i have witnessed and experienced someone operating with a deep sense of integrity and all of the sudden that trait is gone.  granted it was an isolated incident - but what am i supposed to think?  is it an 'oops, i slipped' sort of an issue? or is it the true character showing?

i have (foolishly) prided myself on being a good judge of moral character.  now i am not so sure.  i can not stress enough the importance of operating with integrity.  it is one of those rare and special qualities that is cherished and should be guarded.  once it is damaged it is very difficult to repair.

i implore you to think before you speak or act.  you just never know do you . . .

some things are just or some things just are

i think the silverware and napkins should go at the end of the buffet line, not the beginning.

doors in to public bathrooms should pull to open and push to exit.

please sit me on the bride's side of the church if i am friends with the groom so when he turns to face his bride i can actually see his face.

why do diane and duane sound so different if they are only one letter off?

when is too soon if you are excited?

how come i can not see the edge of light?

when is too late if you are cautious?

when i realize that the issue i thought you had is really my issue do i tell you or just quit talking about it?

how do you repay your mentor? (more importantly - how would you like me to repay you?  i shall call and ask you so be ready)

is it possible to let go while hanging on?

is it the who, what, why, when, where or how that drives you?

i have a place in my mind that i would like to live.  i have not seen it yet.  i can not tell you where it is but i will know it once i get there.

how is it that a land locked girl is so innately drawn to the sound of the ocean?

others

i had a friend who was larger than life.  she was a flamboyant dresser, big thinker, roll-her-sleeves-up-and-help kind of girl.  she could really made a lot happen!

people sought her opinion - she was smart.  and her expertise - she got a lot done.  her ideas were unique and creative.  she was a force to be reckoned with.  every one liked to be near her because she was one of a kind and there was no doubt you were in the presence of greatness when you were near her.

she won awards, gave speeches, motivated volunteers, spear-headed coat drives, planted flowers, painted over graffiti, bought presents for underprivileged families, fostered kids nobody else wanted, raised a family, loved a husband . . . she made a difference. 

you might have known her.  she was high profile.   you might not have.  it is irrelevant.

but what is relevant is this . . .  she got sick.   very sick.  and when those same people who lauded her, applauded her, honored her, awarded her and worked next to her would see her, they no longer talked about plans to make a difference, families to heal, lives to change.  they only talked about her sick, tired, weary, worn out body.  she lost her identity to her illness.  she knew it.  and she did not like it.

she said to me "they never asked me these questions before.  do i not matter any more?  just my body matters?  i have lost who i am to the perception of their reality and i am so sad."

so before you ask someone who is sick how they are feeling - ask them something about who they are - not what they are.  remember, we are all much more than our earthly bodies.

what a difference a day makes

just when you think you have settled in to some sort of putrid greenish blue semi-permanent funk a lovely day full of the most simple pleasures rolls through and changes everything.  something as simple as cutting, washing and setting your 92 year old grandma's hair (i really don't know how but don't tell her - so far she likes it!) or eating sushi until you are about to pop with your oldest son and his delightful girlfriend or even a new laptop travel sleeve can really brighten up a day.

i share all of those examples sort of tongue-in-cheek, but they do give me pause.  you see, our perception of reality is only limited by what we focus on.  granted i have not been real thrilled with the cards in my hand over the past several days - and i could keep playing the pity party cards for a while - but why?  situations out of my control have caused my life to take a path i was not real excited about.  but as i said - it was out of my control.  so why in the world would i give something out of my control control over me?

i have one chance to live the numbered days of 2010 and i choose to live them to the best of my ability.  i have way more going for me than against.  move over situation - i am taking back the steering wheel and i am deciding where i go and what my life is from here on out.

if you are struggling with a situation that is out of your control give it the attention it deserves - which in my opinion is not much! 

just this once

my tummy feels like it has been punched - maybe it is the food i have eaten (or not eaten).  

my tummy feels like it has been punched - maybe it is the navy blue that settled in the day before yesterday.

my tummy feels like it has been punched - maybe it is the change of seasons.

my tummy feels like it has been punched - maybe my expectations are recalibrating.

my tummy feels like it has been punched - maybe it is the pain i am carrying for those that are hurting or missing important people in their lives.

my tummy feels like it has been punched - maybe crawling in bed just this once and giving in to the silence that is screaming in my head will make me feel better.

risky business

i am a mighty risk taker.  i am not true to myself if i do not take risks.  it is the way i am hard wired.  i am a deep thinker and that often leads to uncharted waters.  i can pretend that the paved, worn path is the path i prefer, but that is simply not true.  i like the risk.  the rewards are great. i have not met anyone who has been able to travel with me for the entire journey and quite frankly sometimes it gets lonely. 

on the other hand - i have many people who step on to the path with me as their time allows.  they walk or run along with me until their responsibilities call them away.  others never step on the path but stand on the sidelines cheering me on.  they are important to me as well.  there are even some who stand by with their arms crossed in disbelief or disgust - and that is ok too.   they propel me forward because i do not give up - and if i were to start to give up i simply remember the naysayers and am determined to prove them wrong.

you see, i do not take the risks for any one's approval.  it is not that i don't care what others think - i just do not care what they think of me.  i can not imagine the number of lessons that i would not have learned if i would not have risked.

so as i venture out on this next trek i go with the knowledge that there are some of you who think i am irresponsible, a buhhdist, a warrior, a strong woman, a friend, a wise woman, a derelict, a rebel, a mess or any other sundry of descriptions...and that is fine by me.  because as lonely as i sometimes feel i know i am not alone and at the very end of my journey the truth will come out.

yeah right . . .

as long as you are participating in life you can expect to keep learning.  sometimes life gives you a lesson that maybe you were not expecting to learn.  be open to what is being taught.  look around you and take stock of your situation.  sit quietly.  for minutes and minutes on end.  no music.  no tv, text, internet, conversation.  just sit and think.  do not munch on a bag of chips or sip your favorite beverage.  sit.  without moving.  quiet.  let your mind wander until it begins to circle back around to the same point over and over and over.  that is the subject of your lesson.  you are learning if you are contemplating.  if you waste the opportunity you will surely repeat the journey again.

kissing great aunt fern or rocking

there is a certain amount of pressure that every blogger surely feels.  the pressure to write something compelling, humorous, interesting, thought provoking and for heaven's sake not too long or no one will bother to read the whole thing! feels sort of like kissing your great aunt fern...every one expects you to do it but no one would really blame you if you decided not to.

that's how i feel sometimes.  i have so many things that come to my mind during the day and i think 'oh i should blog about that tonight'.  and then some where between getting the necessary things in life completed and sitting down to write i loose the story line.  i tend to write in my head before i type on the computer and some times i can't recall the words once it is time to get them written down.  that or they just seem a little too....um....you know that one word....starts with a c....ummm....familiar!  yes.  that is it. familiar!  they seem just a little too familiar and i have to ask myself if i know you well enough to share such intimate details.

so where is the moral line of familiarity on the computer?  we live our emotional lives out loud on facebook for every one to see.  i have seen status updates that absolutely rip others to shreds and i have seen double meanings that would make a pro blush (love that song btw).  i suppose the most appropriate thing to do would be to have a face to face civilized conversation.

you know...talk...share...get yourself a beverage and go out on the front porch and rock for a while.  some of my very best conversations have happened while doing a little front porch sittin'.  there is nothing more comforting than to sit in the presence of your very best friend and talk.  you should try it some time.  skip the text, the email, the poke, the post and the phone call.  get in a little face time!

not as an afterthought but rather as a consideration - - facebook was chock full of posts laced with the outpouring of love for the sacrifices made by our military in honor of veteran's day.  why not take it a step farther.  seek out a veteran at your local va hospital and go say thank you in person.  or pick up the tab for military personnel who are dining at the same restaurant you are.  or stand and say thank you when you see some one in uniform.  and don't forget to ask for safety, courage, bravery and support before you lay your head down for a peaceful, freedom-filled night's sleep.

when expectations are not

whirling dervish because it is fun to say and tough to use in a sentence correctly

when did i become old enough to drink coffee

tell me where the line is because i am quite certain i have stepped over it...again

i am utterly amazed at how much you listen and how little you hear

refresh my memory one more time why you do that thing that is so damaging to you

to be able to articulate is to be able to see your own way

who is the keeper of your memories

shall i tell you what i am thinking

i am pulling for you so hard i am surprised the rest of the world doesn't join in out of curiosity

oh the irony of it all

today i had a philosophical discussion with the president of a bank in a large city in the mid-west.  the topic centered around the economy and most specifically why we are in this situation and when it might turn around.  i, in my simplistic view of the world, contend that if we lived within our own means we would be better off.

as the banter turned to luxuries we could both live without he gazed out his window high above the city's skyline and pointed to a bridge.  there stood a man on the corner holding a cardboard sign so the long line of cars slowly making their way out of the downtown corridor could read the message.

within the next 20 minutes i was in that very same line of cars making my way to the highway.  i stopped at "his" stoplight and read the sign.  nothing remarkable or particularly special about the message.   but what i witnessed next was both remarkable and quite special in its own right. 

the man holding the sign hollered at three guys lounging in the grass off to the side of the road and they all looked up.  he then pointed to his wrist as if to indicate "time is up" and pantomimed "cut" or "stop" much like a water skier being pulled behind a boat who wants to stop would do.  he pointed to one of the lounging men who immediately got up, made his way to the median, took the sign out of the first man's hand and turned to face the flow of traffic.

my first response was outrage!  how dare those homeless men join together to panhandle.  that is just wrong.  then i began to giggle as i realized i had just witnessed a business partnership operating in full swing.  i imagined the four men deciding which corner they would work, when they would begin working, how long each shift would last and how they would divide the money up equally between themselves regardless of who brought in the most money.

as the light turned green i looked out my car window and i could see the bank president's light in his office.  i used my very best mental telepathy powers to send him a message that said - hey, mr. bank president, i just witnessed four guys making a living.  oh, and by the way - i am quite sure they are living within their means. 

living in the now

never before has a time been more relevant than right now.  there is no other moment in the history of your life that is guaranteed.  you can make the most significant difference this very moment.  the moment that has already passed is not possible to alter and the next one you are relatively ill equipped for since you truly have no clue what it holds.  you can contemplate the days to come or reminisce about the days that were - but you can not touch those moments in time like you can touch right now!

and since you are now thinking about living in the moment, which is a great place to live in my opinion, because it is in fact where you are, why not try to live it with a positive attitude?  there are a lot of ways to train yourself to be positive.  how about the simple test of the golden rule?  [which interestingly enough, according to religious tolerance website, there are 21 documented versions of the golden rule throughout world religions!]

it is time to live. right now.  in this very moment.  wherever you find yourself.  embrace the moment.  feel it for all that it is.  learn from it.  enjoy it.  allow yourself to be present.  invite someone else to join you.

your lips are moving but all i hear are sea gulls

this is the third time i have written something, deleted it and started over.  too much swirling around in my brain tonight to make any sense out of much.  so, i will stream my thoughts...

• when you are chatting with someone and you are pushing the conversation in a direction that does not seem to be mutual it is KIND to ask what the other person's expectations are
• if someone is bold and KIND enough to ask this of you, it is very appropriate to answer honestly
• if you are texting, emailing, chatting or any other communication tool and you decide to discontinue the conversation it is KIND to say good bye or at least let the other half know you are drawing the conversation to an end
• has someone ever said something to you that can NOT believe they actually said out loud and you just have to stop for a second and replay the words over in your head and you realize the words are nothing short of stunning - in the most shocking way?  it is always good to think about how your words are going to effect the person you are speaking too. 
• there are never enough hours in the day to get finished our long list of things we think we should do - there are more than enough hours in the day to finish the things we really should be doing
• best friends are good to spend time with
• if you treat every one and every situation as special then nothing truly is
• if your days were numbered and you knew it what would you do different than you are right now
• when you are at wits end are you really or are you at the end of your interest level
• sometimes being patient and waiting takes more energy and strength than fixing what ever it is you are waiting for in the first place - but the lesson would be lost
• who decided bigger was better - - - - i miss the corner grocery store
• what makes a weed a weed and not a plant that i should spend time nurturing
• i would like to make up a word that would indicate feelings deeper, wider, more intense than LOVE - i welcome your input

who is holding the measuring stick?

when we begin the process of dissection to determine if we are measuring up who is holding the stick?  is it our perception of our own self that causes us to feel like we have fallen short, measured up, succeeded, far exceeded the goal, etc.?  or is it the perception of some one else who we use to measure with?

in our professional lives things are typically pretty clear cut.  a task is outlined by our employer (or if we are self-employed our client may be the driving force) and either we hit the mark and are kept on for another round, we fail and are directed to try again or we are lead to go figure it out on the dime of another.

but what about in relationships of the personal nature?  acceptance and love seems to be a common goal.  being accepted for who we are and what we believe feels good.  and let's be honest - it feels really nice to be understood, acknowledged as good and viewed as right.

well, when things go south what is the common thread that has changed?  did the stick move?  did the person passing judgment redo the rules without communicating there was a change?  did communication break down?

i do not have the answers but i do know a lot of the questions.  maybe instead of being upset at the other person it is time to take a long hard look in the mirror.  and if the person staring back at you finds absolutely no fault it may be time for a new mirror.

random friday night thoughts available here

see this?  can you?  well, i suppose not.  in that case - it's my heart.  it's right here.  that is where i write from.  deep inside of my soul.  no secret messages for those of you reading in to this.  well, maybe a few secret messages...but you already knew that.  (wink wink)

let's talk grammar:  then/than  saw/seen  to/two/too  there/they're/their and my biggest pet peeve your/you're  learn it!

i rarely watch television...i think about 2 or 3 hours a month.  the tv is on now and i find it ridiculous.  i am not sure which is more insulting - the program content or the commercials.  when did we become so simple?

when snow melts where does the white color go?

why is it so difficult to change patterns that are not working in our own lives?

does everyone see the same shade of color?  is your green the same as my green?

i've heard it said before that we should do something that scares us every single day.  i think we should do something kind for someone else every day.  it could be some one you know or maybe someone you have never met.  do your random act of kindness with no fanfare and without others even knowing. there is real power in being the only one who knows.

by the way - can you articulate exactly why you are doing what ever it is you are spending all of your energy and talent on? if you can - good for you!  share it with someone so you can be held accountable and stay on track.  if you can not - might want to rethink what you are doing. 

looking for answers that are not there

i made a commitment to myself that i am not going to write out loud because it is between me and me.  but i will share this with you:  writing is a challenge tonight so bear with me please.

what situations in life throw you the biggest curves?  i bet it is not the monumental issue that takes weeks to unravel. nor is it the catastrophe that your family rallies around to combat that will get to you. its the littlest, unexpected things that unravel our worlds. 

it is when what we come to know, expect and live every day as our own personal normal, gets all jainked up that causes us the most problem. sometimes it doesn't matter how much we hope for, plan or expect - life takes over and our course is plotted with no regard for what we perceived as reality.

that is not to say we are not the master of our own ships - because we are.  but depending on how those we interact with are either mastering or not mastering their own ships, we are often left in their wake.  it is not enough to think you know where those around you are going,  you simply have to figure out how to balance your thoughts,wishes, dreams and expectations against the tide of life.

so quit waiting for help or answers or direction.  it is not coming!  it is your responsibility to figure this out.  no more excuses.  don't just stand there - do something.

what if i loose my tingly?

what do you feel?  i mean what do you really feel?  i remember when i was a little girl and certain times of the year i was overcome with feelings: anticipation...excitement...joy...fear.  and not only did i feel emotionally - but i felt physically as well.

i remember tingling.  you know - when your tummy sort of turns upside down.  or maybe it was more like a flock of butterflies that were doing loop-de-loops in my belly.  regardless of what words are used to describe it, there was a physiological event that happened inside of my very being and i could feel emotion.  i mean really feel it!

i am an adult now - but i still feel the tingly. sometimes when my eyes see a certain person the tingly starts.  other times i can become overwrought with tingly as i think about an upcoming event - like dinner with one of my grown boys.  i even get tingly when i begin to ponder something exciting in my future like a motorcycle ride or springtime.


the point is I TAKE TIME TO TINGLE.  i feel it.  i breathe in the feeling.  i roll it around my brain.  i let the very thought squish around between the part of my brain that separates thoughts into different categories. i purposely allow the notion to grow from a fleeting thought to a four color, multi-dimensional, full feature idea.

i rue the day i loose my tingly.  do you have your tingle still?  if not, why?  it feels really good.  i think you should stop reading this right now and look for it.  i bet you can find it right next to the feeling you get at the very top of the swing just as you begin the downward fall.  and for heaven's sake hold on to it once you find it!