root beer floats

the thoughts swirl around in my head.  i think about them as i think my quiet thoughts.  my imagination takes over and it ratchets up about elevety four degrees.  my brain goes in to overdrive.  i create what i cannot see.  and i am really good at it.  i can make the littlest thing as big as the night sky. 

where there is a vacuum i will create an answer.

then i try and intersect with the real world.  remain calm.  do not project.  accept what you see as truth.  erase the tapes i have created in the noise of my own head.  my free roaming imagination can paint the most amazing pictures.  none of it based on a single speck of reality.

for a while it is a super fun place to exist.

then the float back to earth becomes impossible to corral.  just as my toes begin to reach for earth another wave of what if lifts me higher.  it is no longer a choice but the new reality.  and i soar.  i look down and see real.  but i am too far removed from real to embrace it as my own.  so i watch from above.

the only thing that grounds me is to say those crazy thoughts out loud.  myths are dispelled.  insecurities are discussed.  frustrations are articulated.  and with every thought i say out loud i begin to calm.  and before i know it i am back.  and it feels right.  and real.  and the only thing that floats is my root beer.   

aging slows down for no one

she rises as early as 5 a.m. every morning to a small cup of pills.  she dresses herself out of a closet that is not familiar.  she searches her cupboards and drawers for her personal items.  nothing is as it should be.  oxygen is always connected.  her mind is as sharp as ever.  she knows the medical name of all of her meds.  she asks repeatedly for the staff to close her door as they leave - you must latch it for it to stay shut - why can't they remember?

she asked me why i put her in a nursing home.  she doesn't like it because it is full of old people.  her body is slow.  her mind is not.  her memory is sharp and sometimes so is her tongue.  and she feels horrible when that happens.  she apologizes but her world is not what she thinks it should be.  how did she end up in a rehab center at 92?  gaining strength every day - strength from her physical trainers - but real strength from those of you who write, call and visit.   

what goes in and what comes out.  that is her domain.  no current events.  no inquiry about extended family.  why can't the staff take more time and talk to her?  why are they all in such a hurry?  why didn't her oxygen tank get changed?  why did they wake her up to tell her they were closing her blinds?  is it necessary for a man to give a woman a shower?  all modesty has been replaced by appreciation for help.

i am not prepared to witness what is happening.  however i would not miss it for the world.  i can not tell her she will get better.  but i would never dream of not encouraging her to try.  i do not know why her life continues.  yet i cherish every single moment i have with her.

the impact you have

every day you get up and go about your business.  some days are undoubtedly very purposeful and planned and other days you might float through with little to no regard.  your patterns are yours.  your interaction with those around you depends primarily on either your mood or protocol - which ever is more powerful at that moment. 

every day you come across hundreds of people.  many you talk to.  others you listen to.  some only see you in the distance.  think about it!  how many people lay their eyes on you . . . ?

what will their experience be?  what will they garner from having been around you?  will they be better off having talked to you?  will you have made a difference by them just seeing you?  will your time with them leave them in a better place than before they encountered you? 

there have been numerous days in my life over the last 18 months that the only people that spoke to me or that i spoke to were in the service industry.  "may i help you?"  "that will be $5.89."  "please remove your laptop and place it on the conveyor."  i guess some days are not destined to be highly interactive.  may we never forget that even though we may not speak to others - they are still watching.  what do others observe when they see you?

the stranger i trust

there comes a time when trusting strangers for the very basic needs of life becomes the only option . . .

she does not know you.  and neither do i.  yet you cook her food, shower her, see to it that she goes to the bathroom and is tucked safely in bed.  she trusts you will hook the oxygen up right, raise the bed rails and not let her fall.  i trust that you will care for her as much as i do.

the vulnerability is mind-boggling.  you have her life and well being in your very hands by nature of where you successfully filled out a job application and aced an interview.  this is not to say you are not a quality individual - i bet you are - i pray you are!  this is about the side of the fence we sit on.

you see today, tonight and for the next days until the time ends we will trust you and your judgment.  but once your services are no longer needed i would no more trust you than the man in the moon.  our lives will no longer intersect unless it is a random passing at wal-mart or the mall on a dateless day in the future.

where does that trust that i relied on to allow me to sleep at night go once she no longer relies on you?  why do i not trust those who i meet randomly like i trust you?  or maybe i do - am i alone in that strange sense of trust?  call me a fool or call me naive.  just make sure you call me if she needs me.

so much for the time

it has been quite a while since i have blogged.  much has changed yet everything is still the same.  my precious grandmother spent some time in the hospital and that threw my world out of sync.

her time there reminded me of two very important lessons:

• if there is someone who you love and the relationship is not on track you had better fix it now!  every single minute that you spend out of whack you will never get back.
• time cannot be wasted as we have no control over it.

if there is something that needs to be said - good, bad or ugly - get it said now!  you are wasting your energy fretting about the outcome.  just get on with it.  

it is just that simple

no matter how many times someone else tells me or how many things i read i can do no more than i believe i can

read. rinse. repeat.

i seldom use absolutes.  this seems as good as any time to make an exception:

never

• tug on superman's cape
• spit in the wind
• turn your back on a friend 
• be afraid to admit you are wrong
• take your life for granted
• give up if there is still a glimmer of hope
• live a life of regret

always

• do the right thing
• look on the bright side
• catch people doing something right instead of something wrong
• speak without sugar coating
• do what you say you are going to do when you say you are going to do it
• believe in the impossible
• give the important things the attention they deserve

in between never and always

• keep learning the lesson even when it hurts
• do not give up on your dream
• be the kind of friend you need
• create the world you dream about living in
• love
• forgive
• remember
• forget

and they lived happily ever after

you are making an impact on those around you whether you mean to or not.  in light of this always keep in mind:

• your words are heard
• your actions are observed
• your tone permeates your words
• your ability or inability to communicate leaves the world around you in a vacuum which will be filled

so when things get hard or are sticky or uncomfortable consider the following:

• honesty is always the best policy
• it is impossible for the outcome to be positive when attitudes are negative
• know what you stand for and articulate it hot
• be kind but firm
• do not bring up the past - it has no bearing on the present
• once you have articulated your thoughts be still

yes dear

when i met him he was strong.  so strong.  and funny!  i mean laugh until you cried funny.  gym-rat deluxe.  never missed a workout.  huge muscles.  big grin.  larger than life.  i could pick out the timbre of his voice over the blaring music in the weight room every time.  the color of his melodic laugh was sunny yellow.  unmistakable!

we lost touch.  for years.  decades in fact.  enter facebook.  re-enter the gym rat deluxe.

only now he is sick.  really sick.  the kind you do not recover from.  the kind of sick that debilitates you and there is nothing you can do.  no medicine can fix it.  no amount of love can correct the evil disease that has taken over.  he is dying.  and he knows it.  there is no denying it.

yet the minute i saw his name the laugh began to ring in my ears and i could see that gorgeous smile again.  he is still larger than life.  he is still funny.  and strong.  not his body - that strength left some time ago.  but his love filled heart is nothing short of miraculous.

through the modern day miracle of facebook we began a conversation, his typed with his thumbs as that is all that moves now, about his impending death.  i wanted him to know while he is still alive that i will be at his funeral.  he shared the location of the service, the priest that will preside and stated there will be no invitations sent.  bummer.  that would have been so him.  and so cool.  hard to pin down the date i suppose. 

i asked him if he was afraid of dying to which he responded:

I don't know what to expect the act of dying to be like. I will likely die from respiratory failure. A harsh death to watch. I'll be morphine to the gills if not too sudden. Don't want to suffer such in front of my sister.  Would like to drop dead. I like surprises and that away we all move along.  I worry about making amends with people. 

even as he faces the last little oomph of his 50-some year old life he is eking out humor, love, forgiveness and kindness.  he is the consummate brave soul.  he is the best example of getting the heart of the watermelon of life i know.  i appreciate his willingness to let me ask my questions.  and i love his journey to the end.

clark, may your ride to the light be swift.  thank you and peace.  yes dear.