Less than a week

Five more days. That's all that remains of 2013. Just a few moments left to play out the last bit of the year. How do you finish your year?  

What haven't you said that you wish you would have?  Perhaps, I'm sorry I hurt you or those three magical words, I love you. 

What haven't you done that you need to do?  Pick up the phone, put down the phone, speak to the person in the next cubical or say hi to that cute guy/girl on your morning commute. 

There are literally millions of scenarios playing out all over the world that could have been handled differently. I have my own personal list. But I am determined not to live in the past. I own my stuff. I also am going to boldly step forward right into the thick of 2014 with anticipation, hope and wonder at what awesome and rare thing might take place. 

So be brave. Be spontaneous. Live while you can. No regrets. This is your year. Use every bit of that special stuff that defines you. Create what you want to create. And never forget, 2014's got nothing on you! 

Yes, the phone is on and charged.

Years of growth, determination, conviction, self confidence and worth, discipline and success cannot possibly be boiled down to whether or not the phone rings. 

Oh wait. Yes it can. 

Sometimes questions cut deep

"So you're up here now, alone for Christmas. And you say you want to move to the ocean in a year; move where it's warmer. I get that mom. But what will be different next Christmas? What will you do to make sure you're not alone again?"

I had no answer...

Where is it?

For years I worked for The Salvation Army and this time of year brought out the true meaning of Christmas. There was simply no denying the work we all did together made a massive difference in the lives of those who humbly (or boldly) asked for help. Such a warm feeling swirled everywhere. 

I had the same feelings when Tel and Cole were little guys. They would get so excited this time of year. The anticipation was so thrilling. It fueled their good behavior and my cheerful mood. 

This year is different. There will be none of the anticipation or joy or excitement. There will be no wrapping paper thrown everywhere. Nor will there be squeals of delight as presents are revealed. 

So, hug your parents, love your kids, relish the chaos and tuck away the memories. Some day that may be what sustains you. As for me, I am hoping for a long winter nap. 

short hold the sweet

It's the quiet of the night that gets me. No noise but the thoughts in my head. The clarity is piercing and is only clouded by the sound of my own doubt. 

Music

There is a reason music is written. Emotions that are tongue tied in our minds and souls suddenly take flight when the right tune and lyrics merge. Thank goodness there are those who embrace their gift!

You must have a gift too. Just think if you didn't manifest it...it could be a like a world without music. 

Rock on!  

Amazing rescue

I stuck my foot out to trip the world as it frolicked by.

Instead I tripped.

When I finally quit bouncing around and became still I rolled over on my back.

As I looked up the world was still moving.

I saw hands extended to me presumably to help me get up...then I realized it was just the natural swing of the arm on the way by.

I reached up to try and grab a hand of a stranger for assistance.

But you grabbed my hand instead.

I was so surprised.

How did you know I needed you at that exact moment?

Perhaps you know more than you lead on.

Or maybe I am just ready.

All the other stuff

There is so much, too much, other stuff floating out there, unaccounted for, to neatly pack away. 

What exactly do you do with feelings,thoughts and words that have no place to just be?  

I guess the same thing you do with feelings, thoughts and words that do belong...you just let them be. 

Privately screaming at the top of my lungs

In a world where social media has taken over the way we communicate it leaves a huge odd spot on how to privately feel and process. Whether it is a huge loss or a massive accomplishment it seems strange to not post it to Facebook, twitter or blog about it. 

The more I realize the less I know

Once again I'm overcome with emotion. So much hate. And frustration. And pain. And mistrust.  Not in me!  But out "there". I wish I knew how to bottle those negative emotions and use them to power more love. And tolerance. And acceptance. 

I had two distinct instances today that struck me just how sick and out of balance the world is. One conversation was about being racist. It was clearly something taught at a young age. I just can't imagine getting to the place that judgement based on skin color or nationality would merit such strong distaste for another human being without even knowing the person. 

The second instance was a mature (late 60's early 70's) couple at dinner. She railed on him the entire time. And he snarled back. It seemed to work for the two of them. They were not particularly upset with one another - it was just their way. 

These two scenarios got me to thinking - what would be different if each one led with love?  Would it make any difference in the way the food tasted?  Would she look lovingly at others versus writing them off because they were a different color?  

I just hope I raised my two boys to lead with love. It's a choice.  I love you. 

One call

Hello?

Hi. Is this Kim?

No. Who is this?

Perhaps I have the wrong number. Please accept my apology. 

And then it hit me. Hard. 

Roller coaster. Of love. Wha hoo hoo hoo hoooo

Remember this one?  http://youtu.be/aBkVV9xxCHE

That's how I feel lately. So I am either going to sit down, fasten the seat belt low and tight across my lap, keep my feet and hands inside the moving vehicle and hold on OR I'm going to grow a fro and make sure it covers one eye and call it good. 

How do you do that thing you do?

There is a yogi coming to my town soon. His pr picture shows him in a meditative state, sitting cross-legged on the ground, wrapped in a texurized, bright yellow sari of sorts. He is sort of a really big deal. Many will travel miles and miles to sit at his feet and learn to just be - ptacticing meditation, yoga & kindness. I have the utmost respect for this way of living. I am sure based on his bio he is deserving of listening to and learning from. 

But I really just want to ask him how he gets his sari wrapped so neatly!  

Crack the code

There is no secret code. There is just you, the choices you make and the consequences of those choices. It's the same for everyone. In every situation. 

So stop making things more complicated than necessary. Weigh your options, makes your decision accordingly and gently go forward. 

Honor yourself during the process by remaining drama free. Honor others with the same courtesy. 

Thinking chair thoughts sans the chair

Why in the world would you move where you know no one to take a job in an industry you've never worked before in a part of the world you've never stepped foot?  What are you running from?  What are you running to? Are you like a woman monk?  Is there something in particular you are trying to escape?  Achieve?  Redo?  Figure out?  

Pause

The answers vary depending on the day. Ask me again tomorrow. 

I may smell like a goat but I do not climb like one.

Nothing in nature is symmetrical. As I was scaling the four-tiered waterfall with my mountain goat-like son it dawned on me that as challenging as up would be, going down will be nothing short of miraculous. Suffice it to say if you read this I made it down. 

Sitting. Still.

My ability to sit still for hours on end has surpassed even my comprehension. I no longer know if this is full fledged depression or an exemplary case of caring for ones self at the most basic level. 

What's your future?

Plans change

Priorities shift

Events spiral

Life evolves

People adjust

Others seek

Some wither

Few blossom

Many lean

Then...

Well, that's up to you. 

s.a.a.

You'd think I'd get use to this exercise. Being on this side of popular opinion. 

Raising a single eyebrow in confusion. 

Never quite protesting - it seems a moot point. 

Wondering if my eyes see the same thing everyone else is observing. 

Pondering the big picture and the hearts. 

Then

 I remember - standing alone again has yet to fail me. Why should this be any different. 

alterations given by the universe

Losing what you don't plan to lose is never fun.  For me it has most recently been giving up a place on a board of directors that meant a lot personally, placing distance between some friends and a new, yet familiar path for my best friend - it ain't easy being odd man out. 

I have said I embrace change. And I do. But I much prefer it on my own terms. 

So, universe, have your way with me because I am not capable of altering a damn thing. 

What now

There comes a time when what you are working towards or want no longer intersect with possibility. Those days are the toughest. 

Balance the act

There are many things in life I look back on and wish I would have done or would have done differently. Not in necessarily a sad way - but rather just reflecting on why certain dreams faded and others became a reality.

My life is brought to you by decisions made based on information on hand at the time. Snap decisions were made. And then other times I took so long to make a decision the opportunity simply passed. 

I guess I write this so perhaps you can learn from me. You always think you have plenty of time to do whatever it is that you want to do. When in reality the clock is ticking. The parts that move so freely allowing you the chance to do whatever it is that you want to do become rusty with caution and apprehension, debt and responsibility. 

So, finish the degree, chase the job, build the life that you want. Do not wait until everything is perfect because it never will be. And do not move with disregard to yourself or the consequences of your actions because once you are moving sometimes inertia takes over and you have no choice. 

Seek balance. You'll find it behind the bottle of Tylenol, on top of the bills, next to the list. Oh, and when you do find it, it will be because you were quiet enough to recognize it. 

Signs

There are signs every where. They are lit with neon bulbs. Why can't I take them at face value instead of feeling the need to blaze my own trail?

It is clearly past time to take inventory. May I borrow your Mont Blanc please? 

Lightening in a bottle

What is it society is reaching for, stretching towards?  

Acceptance?

Peace?

Love?

A world that tolerates?

Nonjudgmental cohabitation?

Joy?

Understanding?

Who is it that gets the most grief for being different, lacking responsibility, being weird, or freaky?

Mostly free spirits who are living exactly what mainstream seeks. 

Explain this disparity to me please. 

late thought

If the air is so pure and clear on the high road why is it so hard to breathe?

Polly Anna lives here

Perhaps I make things too easy. Or at least my thought process.  I am quite sure the vast majority of humans would accuse me of that. And For those of you aware of the stacidom, I suppose that doesn't help either. 

However, life is going to roll on whether I want it to or not. Things are going to happen that are simply out of my control. So I can dig my heels in and protest, complain and buck. Or I can emit goodness with the intention of getting goodness back. 

I mean what is the worst thing that could happen?  I could get a whole lot of crap in return instead of a whole lot of good. But my positive happy, attitude is still better than a crappy one no matter what the world throws at me. 

Excuse me while I go sing The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music. :)

Sleep

Sleep when you are exhausted 

Sleep when you can't take any more

Sleep when you are sad

Sleep when answers cannot be found

Sleep when you are too tired for daydreaming

Sleep when all else fails

And when you wake up the universe will smile and sigh in anticipation of all the greatness just waiting for you to claim 

past time

quietly slipping back into the writing game.  it seems as if something as simple as a different computer situation has stifled my writing.  but that is not entirely true if i am perfectly honest.  others remarks and sideways glances robbed me of the confidence i once used to write.  my thoughts are mine and do not need validated.  and everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  but the mere act of publishing them on here opens, and in fact, invites others opinions, comments, remarks.  so i am toughening my skin and beginning the journey again.

suffice it to say i am in a much different place now from the last time i posted.  i have moved.  twice.  across country.  both times.  crazy!  the story of the moves will undoubtedly unfold over the course of my writing.  each move was exhilarating and exciting and just what i needed at the time - but they came with a price tag even i was unprepared for.  don't get me wrong - i do not have regrets - well, maybe one - i should have moved years ago! 

that is not to say where i was living was a bad place.  it is not.  in fact it is a perfect spot!  i look at it this way:  remember your favorite pair of pants/shirt/shoes/etc. from when you were say 15 years old?  no matter how fabulous that treasured item was to you at the time, eventually you outgrew it or your taste changed and you no longer held it out as "the only" or as "the best".  that doesn't take away one smidgen of the specialness that was wrapped up in it.  it is just passed its time.  that is what i felt - i was past my time to stay.

change. it is the single constant

I wrote this several years ago. I share it now not because it is accurate today - but rather because it is not. So no matter what you're dealing with right now please remember it is not permanent, the good or the bad. Life moves.  Life changes.  Those that survive the ucky parts are the ones who realize the cycle. It is real. And it can be a real drag. But it does move. 

somewhere along the way the wheels got sideways - but the engine never turned off.  so instead of the smooth ride on a scenic path i have been on and contributed to, i find myself in a terribly bumpy ride with tires skidding and grinding - no longer turning.  it is a miserable place to be.  there is so much smoke from the skid that it is hard to breathe.  the tire has accepted it's new way of travel and is growing thin - weary of being beaten, vibrated, shook. 

never before has such a downward spiral taken so long
it is as if the world is moving at it's normal pace
and my life is slowly unraveling
but instead of hitting bottom and being finished - something above and out of my sight is adding more and more thread to be unraveled

am i supposed to gather all of the thread and keep it
am i supposed to put it in a neat little pile
am i supposed to push it back to its original shape
or am i supposed to make something out of it

love isnt supposed to hurt like this
it is supposed to bring you joy and happy and help

or is it