did i miss it

did it just never occur to me, am i selfish, uneducated or am i so insulated by the geography that i call home that i have never marched, stood, fought for, protested, demonstrated or shouted for something that i truly, madly, deeply believe in?

laura's pictures scream.  her posts reiterate the importance.  she is convicted to her soul.  she has traveled there.  she knows the issues and the fight.  she understands the people.  she is the people. 

i live in a happy place but is that fair?  is it a good use of my voice?  or my passion, conviction and ability?  why have i never taken up a cause?  does a cause come to you or is it ours to seek out?  i am not sure how i missed out on this.  i am 44 years old and i do not believe i have stood firm for the freedom, safety or life of another.

i admire her conviction.  i admire her.  in honor of all she stands for and will stand for i open my heart to opportunity.  thank you laura.

i can barely believe it

such is the life of a dreamer

solutions are so much easier after the fact

being a friend to those in need is way more important than your own agenda

does the sun really ever shine loud enough

the train is about to wreck and you scream STOP but no one hears you

the crevasse begins to change when it is recognized

jsog

all it takes is a good pair of boots to start a conversation

maybe the bellamy brothers were on to something

let your love flow . . . what a nice thought

five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight

i walked on to the stage hours before the audience arrived. it would be my final performance on this stage.  my time had come. my big break. as i reflected on the hours of practice i had spent preparing for this night i realized my life would never be the same again. one chapter was ending and another one, filled with wonder, expectation and hope was just beginning. 

countless hours spent rehearsing.  social events missed.  proms ignored.  the roar of the crowd my classmates partook in i never experienced.  was it worth it?  

all i know is if i do not step out today, this very moment i will live to regret it forever.  as i breathe deeply to gather my nerve, resolve and composure it becomes crystal clear that this is exactly where i am supposed to be.   

go.  create.  seek.  find.  live.

it was a perfect spring day. the kind you meet your best friend on.

everyone in town talked about her.  they thought she was crazy.  her ideas didn't align with theirs and she rarely fit in.  her love was bigger than most knew how to accept.  her life never became a recognizable pattern and it made others uncomfortable and uneasy.

she was in the prime of her life.  dressed in her best.  she stood patiently at the train station.  a small, weathered leather bag packed with her favorite belongings was clutched in her hands.  it contained her childhood doll, two wispy curls - each tied with a blue ribbon, a tiny sterling silver heart as a reminder of her past, her grandmother's recipe box and a card written in familiar handwriting.

she could hear the rumble of the train as it rattled down the track.  if you listened closely you could hear the chug: b-b-g, b-b-g, b-b-g, over and over and over.  it mesmerized her.  it was calling to her. but instead of the sound getting louder as the train entered the station it became more and more faint.  she asked a gentleman walking past where the train was and he said it hadn't come to that station for over 30 years.

But she could hear it . . .  yes, he commented.  but it runs on the track a couple of blocks away.  he told her she could hear it from here and she could see it as well.  but no matter how long she stood here on this platform it would never come for her.

a long tale

right now. 
living. 
it screams in my head.
does it get any better? 
does it get any worse? 
i think not. 
all i am sure of is right now. 
not tomorrow. 
not you. 
not then. 
and not there. 
just now. 
right now. 
take a chance.
live a dream.
stop planning.
stop waiting.
begin.
again.
do more with less.
create it.
do not settle.
why?
why not?
the perfect time does not ever come.
an inopportune time is as good as any.
it is simply wrong to waste it.
someone else might have been able to use it if i waste it.
so i will go.
dig deeper.
i will.
i am called to.
you should meet me there.
on the edge.
where the wind blows.
and the lights meet the dawn.
and the ocean roars.
and the colors are vibrant.
and the air is clear.
it is so bright you can taste the sounds and hear the flavors.
waiting any longer is not an option.

maybe i should have started drinking coffee

i do not drink coffee.  i have never tasted it.  i never quite thought i was old enough to drink it - so i never started.  there are a lot of things in my life that i never thought i was old enough to do.  like be the one that makes all of the decisions.  or the one that is in charge of where, how, when, why and who. 

yet i find myself old enough.  it is up to me and often i feel ill equipped to handle it.  does anyone else ever feel this way?  what did i do to prepare for this part of my life except live the previous part?  is that really enough? 

g'ma wants to know if i think her living will is appropriately documented.  let me think about that . . . hmmm, g'ma, who i love to the moon and back, wants me, the granddaughter, to tell her if her dying wish is appropriate.  i think it is.  but who am i to say?

four of my very closest friends are battling major life issues and they each one turn to me and ask what i would do, or share their story, or ask if what they are doing is right, correct, fair, good, reasonable.

god grant me the words to say or the sense to keep my mouth shut!

she just would not stop

while sitting at the airport earlier this week i found myself with a couple of extra hours on my hands due to travel delays, so i decided to set up office in the local snack shack and get some much needed work done.  or at least catch up on facebook and my blog.  so i dig my laptop out of my bag and fire it up.  i just get settled in and this woman walks up and sits down at the next table.

she looks miserable.  fussy.  mad.  out of sorts.  not a happy camper.  her hair is ratty (it is early) and she appears to not be dressed for the day.  and she begins to cry.  no.  she begins to wail.  i look around to see if there is anyone who is claiming this puddle of emotion i am sitting next to.  no one steps forward.  i lean over to her and whisper, "are you ok?  is there anything i can do?"  she barks back, "do i look alright to you?"  so much for reaching out.

i turn back to my busy work and her husband shows up and sits down.  he tenderly touches her on her arm and encourages her to stop crying.  she does - and she begins to glare at him.  you know the kind of glare that frosts palm trees in the desert.  she is fuss-see!  and then she lights in to him about his work schedule.  blisters him with insults about having to go out of town once a month with his job.  he just sits there and continues to eat his breakfast sandwich without making eye contact with her.

she begins to talk about if she ran the company she would hire a bunch of other people to do his job so he could stay home with her.  her rant moves away from the job he is required to do and moves to her insecurities about him possibly not coming back home ever again.  she begins to wail.  loud.  people are moving away from them and he just sits there chewing slowly.  she continues berating him about being out of town and how dare he agree to go every time they ask him.  (at this point i am thinking dude, i totally do not blame you!)

she insists there is just not enough time in the day for her to get the dogs fed, the laundry done, the dishes done and. . . . wait for it . . . enough time for her to be able to keep up with her reality tv shows.  yes, she actually said that out loud!  he finishes his food and says it is time for him to go.  she grabs his arm and and begs him not to go.  he begins walking towards the security line and she will not let go.  he is now dragging her across the floor of the snack shop while she sits in her chair.  amazing.

it was like a train wreck.  i couldn't turn away.  he asks her if she needs some money, flips her a ten spot, jerks his arm away, bends down, tenderly kisses the top of her head and turns to go.  she screams don't go!!!  he goes . . .

i was feeling out of sorts today.  i was not on my game.  i was feeling fussy (not as fussy as her but none the less i was not in my zone).  so i apologized for being moody, and a bit cranky.  it is important that i got to say my peace and equally as important that i was heard.  so what are you saying these days?  and are you hearing what others are saying to you?  be careful how you speak to others.  you just never know if you are going to have the opportunity to make amends.

life is a verb not an adjective

i find myself in an odd situation.  i set myself on a course that makes sense to me.  i wade through the stuff that makes a weighty decision, well, weighty.  you know, the pros and the cons.  i think about the parameters within which i can live.  i chose the path and give myself the pep talk that screams "YOU CAN DO THIS!" (the "this" is really irrelevant) 

i do everything i need to do to make sure i am successful.  i change patterns, clothes, schedules, habits . . . (i even wore 2 inch heels thinking it might give me a different look at the world.  for those of you who don't know me well, i am a daily wearer of 4 1/2 to 5 inch heels)  i work at finding my balance.  and you know things hum along pretty well . . . for a while.  and then out of no where something will slap me right up side the head and knock me over . . . not down . . . but definitely over.

it seems strange to me that for all "things" i put in place to ensure i am stable, propped up, balanced, etc. it only takes one small event to tip me over.  but not all of the time.  just every now and again.   

so, how fragile am i? well, i am hardly fragile!  are my expectations of myself unrealistic?  perhaps.  i am a capable person.  i can do this.  cue the really, really powerful music - maybe chariots of fire or some other such song.  i feel better already!  sometimes it just helps to get the thoughts out of my head.

do not let it rule you

choices.  decisions.  plans.  lists.  goals.  requirements.  payments.  facts.  figures.  options. selections. the list is endless yet we seem to be tethered to it.  there is the old adage stating there are only two things in  life that are non-negotiable: death and taxes.  although that is really over simplified we do give credence and attention to so many other things. 

if there was just a slight change in the way we think about how we exist we might just find more time for the things we want to do, energy to get them done, focus to decide what truly is important and most certainly love to give away freely. 

instead we get bogged down in the crap that we chalk up as life.  but is that really life?  i think not!  life is meant to be lived.  not drudged through with a sour face, a hateful disposition and a chip the size of the rock of gibraltar on your shoulder.  lighten up francis!  it is time to start living the good life. 

i can already hear the naysayers throwing barbs that i do not live in reality, i am not realistic, life is hard, there are no easy answers, etc.  and i agree.  life is hard!  but it doesn't have to be miserable.  i have been accused of living in the present in a happy place referred to as my staci-dom.  ok.  i own that. but i gladly own it!  and in case you were wondering - it is a great place that i have purposefully created.  has my life been a bed of roses?  i think not.  it is a choice to live in the staci-dom.  i think you should consider creating your own dom, your own happy life. 

and if you struggle getting there that is ok too.  rome wasn't built in a day you know.  i am a mere comment away if you need a safe place to talk about how to get there.  click on the yellow comment line and send me a note and we can talk off-line.  it is time you create your own happy life. 

the duel of anger and love

words spoken out of anger do not die.  they are remembered.  harbored.  played over and over and over time and time again.  they are replayed immediately after they are spoken and they fuel the current fire.  they are taken off the memory shelf a few days later and turn a perfectly good mood sour in a matter of seconds.  they are relived weeks later and the patterns surrounding them are pondered.  they resurface months later and make true forgiveness almost impossible. 

words spoken out of love should be held as some of the most powerful words ever spoken.  yet often they are dismissed.  did he really mean it or was he just responding to what i said first?  does she really love me or will this pass like others have? 

true love is one of the most exquisite encounters one can have.  yet anger is the emotion with way more authority than it should have.  it seems to be the one emotion that is an absolute.  work instead to make love your absolute.  do not give anger power over you.

what time do you have

only someone who held on to the very end can say they let someone go.  (borrowed from a quote embedded in an email forwarded to me by someone way smarter than i)

now that is a powerful statement.  let's break it down . . .

only someone  the words say one but infers there were two.  one being held and one doing the holding.  not several.  just two and no more than two.

who held on  action.  forward movement.  purposeful.  a decision that would be made over and over and over every single time the opportunity presented it self . . . no matter how painful it might seem to the outside world.  given the opportunity you would make the exact same choice again and again.

to the very end  that is a long time.  it also indicates knowledge.  knowledge that the end is actually coming.  it is inevitable and will happen.

can say  a choice.  an audible choice.  a decision.

they let someone go  specific.  most notable: standing still and watching someone else move away without control or influence of their actions. 

be nice to those you encounter who have held on to the end.  if you meet someone who is standing close to the end just be there for them until that chapter is over.  if you are the one who is leaving be swift if it is in your control.  if it is not in your control more than anything say what you mean and mean what you say.  remember  . . . no regrets.  there simply isn't time.

wandering thru the fields of my mind

when you slow down long enough to evaluate where you are along your path often times it is painfully clear that your wishes are not enough to manifest true reality.  then what?

recognition appreciation gratitude

recognition is being publicly honored and thanked for something you did or gave.  like having a building named after you or having your name placed on a donor wall.  you did x so you get y.

appreciation is thanking someone for what they did or gave.  it might come in the form of a phone call to say thank you or hand writing a note expressing your thanks.  maybe even going so far as to seek out the person at home, church, the office or store and take the time to acknowledge and thank them.

gratitude is the condition of your heart that propels you beyond recognizing someone's actions to the point of truly being thankful. 

i am filled with gratitude and i appreciate you.  your kindness and attention to the smallest details are so sweet and thoughtful.  having the sidewalk scooped for me upon my return.  sending me a text to drive careful.  checking in on me as i travel.  taking time to talk to me.  the list goes on and on.  you make my life better and i am grateful. 

{maybe this doesn't speak to you.  well, let's change that!  within the next couple of hours do something for someone that would make them have these significant feelings towards you.  you are going to cross paths with someone soon.  so why not lay a random act of kindness on them and see how good it makes you feel!}

at the end of the day it is good to know the difference between recognition and appreciation.  and it is great to have an arsenal of gratitude ready to employ in a moments notice.  you might just get two chocolate chip cookies on the plane ride home instead of only one.

enough

i experienced enough yesterday.  it felt really good.  i had enough sense to drive safely on the whacked out snowy streets.  i had enough skill to maneuver through traffic with 3.83 million fellow road warriors.  i had a lovely chat with my dad.  another one with my mom.  talked to g'ma.  spoke with, emailed or texted with my wonderful best friend.  had a decent meal.  went to bed at 10.  it was a good day.

makes me wonder why more people do not recognize the enough in their own life.   you know, bigger is not always better.  and neither is more.  faster can sometimes be fun - but it requires more concentration to avoid ending up in the ditch or embankment and you really don't get to see as much when you are going faster. 

so slow down, enjoy the route, feel the bumps and potholes of life and savor the fact that you are alive and moving and in control (and if you are out of control stop what you are doing right now and get there!).  stop trying to amass more and recognize enough and enjoy it.

wonderful!!

you have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  what you'll discover will be wonderful.  what you'll discover is yourself. ~ alan alda


what are you willing to leave to discover wonderful?

• excessive food and drink
• gossip
• bad relationships
• unhealthy "friends"
• laziness
• apathy
• etc., etc., etc.

you know it is way easier to sit in the crap and blame others for the situations we find ourselves in.  but the reality is our situations are reflections of what we sow.  if things aren't so peachy in your world - change them.  quit complaining or harping or nagging or wishing or suggesting or talking or arguing or presuming.  

pull yourself up by your bootstraps and make things better.  you made decisions that got you into the situation that you are now in so go ahead and make some different and better decisions and get yourself out.  it is ok to admit you are not where you want to be.  just make sure you can articulate the reasons.  and then go for it!  isn't it time you experienced wonderful?  yes, i think so too!

a short, sad realization

human decency has become the exception instead of the norm

this is not acceptible

how will the pendulum gain momentum to swing the other direction?

will it swing in time?

g'ma

she got married when she was a young woman.  she had two handsome sons.  she worked.  hard.  she buried her husband.

she married again and continued to work.  then she had a daughter.  she sent her youngest son to vietnam.  thankfully he came home.  she worked more.  hard.  she gardened and canned the fruits (and vegetables) of her labor.  she picked up every leaf from her yard.  she took care of the neighbors.  she buried her youngest son.  she took care of her grandchildren.  she continued to work even more.  hard.  she buried her husband.

she kept working.  hard.  she never tired.  she was tall and strong and dressed up to go to the store.  she married again.  he was her high school sweet heart.  she was 81.  they sat down at the front of the church during the ceremony.  she was so happy.  he spoiled her.  he took her to dinner and they laughed.  together.  a lot.  she buried her husband.  she buried all of her siblings.  she is 92.

she loves.  she loves me.  proof that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to earn the love of another.  love is just something that happens.  and when it happens it is pure and true and precious and wonderful. 

do not miss giving your love to someone else.  if you are scared - get over it and just love.  as a skeptic of love i can tell you - i am a believer in true love and she has helped me learn the lesson.  if you are afraid to love.  don't be.  come spend an evening with me and g'ma and you will see what love looks like.

standing

reality and the edges surrounding it can be difficult to see.  as children we are taught the values of whoever it is that raises us.  some of it happens purposefully and some of it happens due to the cultural mores we absorb by osmosis.  and, without as much as a conscious thought, they become our own. 

then we grow up and begin to redefine who we are.  sometimes more than once.  but our basic ability to have the internal dialogue of deciding what we believe in and choosing to follow that belief is only possible because we first believed.  something.  anything. 

being able to clearly define what you believe and why you believe it will help ensure that you stand strong in what it is you profess.   so, today, i challenge you to verbalize your reality.  find someone you trust and tell them. 

why?  because if you are not brave enough to say out loud what your reality is - what you believe - how in the world will you remember it when your character needs to rely on it?

it is time

not all are destined to be friends.  not all ideals will neatly align.  there may never be a reason to commune.  there will be no traveling to exotic places, talking til the wee hours, dining or vacationing with each other. deep, philosophical  discussions about the things that make the world go round will never take place.  deepest, darkest secrets, dreams and fears will remain tucked away in the shadows.  memories will not be made.

and that is ok.

but when you do run across one that gets past your barrier maybe you should reevaluate.  for if you are not willing to take a risk and step out in faith, what exactly will you be stepping out in?

the total lack of audible sound

it took google.com 0.16 seconds to return 78,600,000 hits for the word silence.  that is a lot of information about a topic that cannot be heard. 

i was in a situation today that screamed for silence.  and i screamed back . . . in silence. 

those were the most powerful words i have never spoken.

master your mouth and you master a lot more than you master with words.

unexpected surprises

a knock on the door when you are not expecting anyone
one more flower when you thought the flowering was finished
an unseasonably warm day
a dollar in your coat pocket that you have not worn for a year
unmatched socks that still look passable together
cool sheets on a hot, muggy night
warm sheets on a cold night
someone who gets under your skin
finding love . . . but not being able to quantify it
one more oreo in the tray
a list of things to do with only one more item on it
the realization you know what you hoped you did
the kind of hug you can feel once the hugger is long gone
rolling the most decadent thought around your mind but keeping it all to yourself
hearing music that touches your soul and forces you stop and think
finding one more pair of underwear in your drawer when you thought you were out
reconnecting with yourself after feeling blue
anticipating waiting and waiting in anticipation
a cake full of birthday candles and still being able to blow them all out
watching geese slide a little bit as they take steps on the ice when they walk
mail that is not a bill
realizing it is your turn
being part of a story that is unfolding and you are part of it but it is not your story
chewing on an idea until it materializes in a gift for someone else
giving away what you value and finding out the real value was in giving

it could happen

ah a new year!  and with that comes the proverbial resolution.  so much hope and promise.  an opportunity to set yourself straight.  or choose a completely different path.  its like the universe's way of offering a do over.  i like it.

i am not the resolution type but i do see value in them.  (for me they tend to fall in the same category as a car manual on a dvd . . . )  for those of you who have not resolved anything thus far allow me to offer you a couple of suggestions.  most of these are my thoughts.  however i have thrown in a couple from other people.  i always give credit where credit is due - but admittedly i do not have their permission.  choose a few if you'd like!

• park as far away from the door of the building you are entering as you can
• share what you have - your knowledge, wealth, love, advice, humor
• talk less - listen more
• do not interrupt
• eat more delicious food (debby)
• reflect
• work with a purpose other than a paycheck
• floss
• have more fun this year than last year (randy)
• learn to parallel park
• take care of yourself physically and mentally
• do what you say you are going to do when you say you are going to do it or don't say it
• be on time
• stop comparing yourself to others or who/how you used to be
• offer more and take less
• open your heart
• plant something in the ground and tend it
• take care of what you have
• be nice to yourself
• visit your friends and family more
• say i love you often
• become who you want to be known as
• hand write thank you notes for all of your christmas gifts
• under promise and over deliver

 and the very best thing you can do - be authentic and full of integrity even when no one is looking.

i don't ever remember feeling this awake

well, 2010 is nothing more than a memory.  it is over.  remember when the decade began?  we were fresh out of y2k . . . and now we are ten years down the road and counting.

so what now?  where do we go?  what do we do?  how do we act, respond, counter attack, retaliate, figure it out?  do we move forward or do we regroup?

let's begin again.  together this time.  take my hand.  hold it tight.  look in my eyes.  i am here for the long haul.  i will not let you down.  i will not meet all of your needs.  ever.  i am not capable.  but i will forever be here for you.  cheering you on.  challenging you to be better.  holding you as you face your fears and protecting all of your secrets.

it is a thelma and louise moment - do we back down and take what is dished out or do we drive on and face tomorrow together?  i know what my vote is.  what say you, aye?