i woke up in the middle of the night with this on my mind

we are taught to be free thinkers, exploring the recesses of our own minds to discover who we are and where we fit in.  what will be our mark on the world?  how will we be remembered?  but in the process we have become so inattentive to the very core of our own being that we barely acknowledge the implications our actions have on ourselves, let alone others.

forgive me if i am speaking in generalities, especially if this does not apply to you.  but the reality of living without feeling . . . i call it the walking, living dead . . . scares the hell out of me.

the wonder, awe and curiosity that fuels childhood has been replaced with a sick sense of drive and a score sheet.  one of the most basic of human elements, kindness, has long been forgotten.  traded in for what?  the next accomplishment that can be quantified, measured and duly rewarded?

i am not suggesting we all sit in the church basement and sing kumbayah, or become tree huggers or even soft.  but would a little more human decency be that difficult?  couldn't we try and catch people doing something right instead of something wrong? 

my soul is weary of the finger-pointing, judgmental, condescending attitudes that run rampant.  maybe i am just as guilty as what i write . . .

i looked around and saw you . . . maybe for the first time

his eyes are more blue than i thought
she has developed a quick wit that made me proud
her cooking is as much or more an offering of love as her rare affection
his knees are worse than i remember
he is quiet but always there
she was so happy we came over
he is his father's son - to a t
you were not there and i really missed you
he always leads with his pride for his kids
her soul is as beautiful as her lovely physical features
she still giggles even at her age
he may be older soon but he is still a kid at heart
i noticed all of these things today . . .  and i am thankful

missed meanings

the subtle nuances of life are unintentionally missed
we are just living too fast
we pause to post on all that we have and all that we are thankful for
then we return to the race
what would happen if we actually took the time to fully appreciate what we are experiencing
i mean really immerse ourselves in what the day holds
love profoundly
forgive deeper
laugh richer
listen harder
learn more thoroughly
watch intently
speak with conviction
let's all prove our thankfulness by applying our energy to what we profess as our treasures

senior day

isn't it amazing what we learn from our children?  many of you might remember me telling of the saga of my youngest son's football career ending acl/meniscus injury . . . well, today was his senior day at school.  the day set aside to honor the graduating seniors.   a really fun and exciting day.  a celebration of four years of collegiate athletics. 

the drum line played as the freshman, sophomore and juniors took the field.  the seniors hung back to make their entrance on to the field where their families waited to escort them to center field.  i know a lot of them - - - q, frank, josh, snooks . . . and then cole. 

he walked on to the field with his teammates.  in his jeans.  and his university t-shirt.  and his jacket.  no uniform.  no helmet.  no game to be played.  that is not what i envisioned for him.  and i know it was not the dream he was hoping for either.  but sometimes life throws a curve in our plans.  something goes awry.  a job is lost.  a conversation was had.  an injury was inflicted.  the scenarios are endless.  how we deal with the scenarios is where the true worth of a person is revealed.


cole did his very best today.  he stood proud, his head up.  he shook hands with the head coach and graciously accepted a hug and a heartfelt comment that this is not the way his year was supposed to play out.  he shook hands with the university president and said thank you sir.


i am immensely proud of the man he has become.  even when things go to hell in a hand basket he persevered through.  a good lesson for this very early morning . . .

it appears someone else is driving

over the past 24 hours (or less) i have experienced firsthand three different and unrelated scenarios that have had a profound impact on me and my ability to perform at the level of personal and professional standards i have grown accustomed. 

thus my quandary:

• how much of life is chance
• how much of life is completely and utterly out of your own control
• how much of life should you just let roll as circumstances dictate
• how much of life is yours to try and manipulate and control
• where is the line between apathy and acceptance

for now - i surrender . . . i am just not sure to whom or what i have surrendered - and was it really ever mine to surrender?

it occurred to me

i went on a walk this morning.  my intent was to walk to the veteran's day parade (thank you veterans!).  as i walked i thought my thoughts.  here are a few of them.  

• litter - i don't get it . . . put it in a trash can . . . if for no other reason than emptying trash cans creates jobs 
• cigarettes - this will always be a mystery to me . . . but if you feel you must smoke please refer to bullet point above
• courtesy - in big cities where traffic is plentiful if a pedestrian steps into the crosswalk cars stop . . . it took me 5 minutes to cross my neighborhood corner . . . no one would wait for me to cross . . .then when i did they were fussy . . . what happened to common courtesy?  at this point i would settle for uncommon courtesy
• parades - i arrived at the starting point of the parade 20 minutes after it started . . . and it was over . . . i think the veteran's day parade should be the longest parade in the history of parades and hordes of people should attend
• degrading or off-color comments - maybe you think they are funny . . . i do not . . . in fact, i defriended a couple of you last week because of comments you put on my wall . . . nice thing about my wall . . . i get to choose and i do not choose you
• relaxing - for some reason society has bought into the notion that relaxing is either lazy or only a reward granted after a certain amount of labor is completed . . . i do not agree . . . i like to sit and think . . . quietly . . . with no music or television . . . it brings clarity
• sweet notions - confetti bath sprinkles look pretty when they hit the water . . . but they turn the water brown (lol)
• it is a good day when - your kids say i love you before they hang up the phone with you
• acceptance - my body doesn't look like it used to . . . but my mind and heart are in much better shape

stark realizations

some realizations are just undeniable.  like when you realize the life you have is a direct result from choices you have made . . . not your parents.  don't get me wrong - these realizations can and often propel change.  

so what is the barometer for change?  when do you know the change you have made is the right one or enough?  does the hurt stop?  does laughter begin?  does your view become more clear?  

one of the most popular quotes the last several years is about insanity.  undoubtedly you've heard or read it before.  if you do the same thing but expect a different outcome . . . that is the definition of insanity.  so, if you are not insane, and most of us are not insane, how far do you go to change?  what is the gauge?  who sets it?  

if you build it they will come - but if you offer to answer will they ask?

i work for a living.  i study people, habits and behavior for fun.  i am constantly aware of the people who surround me. i study their facial expressions, body language, communication styles, temperament, patience, tone, mannerisms . . . i even study how people don't interact with those around them.  maybe it is because i find my self alone often (not complaining - just the facts ma'am) or maybe i am just wired that way.  it is so interesting to me to watch, observe, take note and try to draw conclusions solely based on what i see and on occasion (over)hear. 

what does any of that have to do with a new facebook page or a resurrected blog?  well, during a recent conversation i was asked what i would do if i could do anything.  the answer was easy and came swiftly - i would share the knowledge that i have to make the path easier for others.  if i could sit on a mountain top and have others come to me with their personal or professional strife and help them look for answers i would.  but that is not going to happen.  there are no mountains where i live, i do not like the cold and i am not sure anyone would make the effort to come see me.

so, i am embarking on an adventure to create a virtual place for questions to be posed, things to be discussed and resolutions to be found.  at the risk of sounding braggadocios i do not claim to have all of the answers but i do have the desire to help and a healthy dose of clarity and insight.  this is only as good as your participation - and i recognize that is a lot to ask.  but what have you got to lose?    let's see where this thing goes!

just something to think about

i had lunch today with one of the smartest men i have ever met.  he is the immediate past president of a multi-billion dollar company.  he is well read, well educated, well traveled, well heeled (suede bucks, seersucker coat and a snappy bow tie) and well spoken.  he is leaving for a wedding in isreal in a few days and will return to his second home on the outer banks.  he is wealthy, retired and really smart.  presidents have listened to him.  national magazines have quoted him.  stock holders have appreciated him.

so where do i fall in this scenario?  well read?  hardly . . unless you count the latest nelson demille novel as well read.  well educated?  i struggled in school - and i mean kindergarten!  well heeled - i was wearing a new suit . . . but i would be willing to bet my $22.99 bargain that mr. smartest man has never stepped foot in a ross'.  well spoken . . . hmmmmm . . . i am rarely without an opinion, idea or comment.  does that count?

now, before you think for a second i am being self deprecating . . . please, relax.  i just think people have way more similarities than sometimes initially recognized.  you see, me and one of the smartest men i have even met have very little in common but we had a ton of similarities.  we both have a passion for making the world a better place.  we are both focused and driven.  we are both looking for ways to impact our sphere of influence.  we both love our kids. we laughed, listened to each others ideas and generally enjoyed our time together.  well, at least i did. 

just do me a favor and look for similarities instead of differences.

cellophane

what does true transparency look like? as it relates to full disclosure in any sort of communication it feels right, good and appropriate to receive the whole truth . . . or does it?

we are conditioned to expect the truth. but what happens when the truth doesn't meet our individual expectations? for example, when i ask for your opinion do i really want your opinion or am i canvassing for one that validates mine?

now mind you i am not suggesting truth be hidden or sugar coated . . . i happen to prefer my conversation straight up. i am simply suggesting when an opinion is shared in a way that doesn't necessarily meet unspoken expectations be slow to reject what has been offered. maybe it is the receiver who needs to fine tune the hearing . . . audio check please.

pot? are you calling this kettle black?

mechanical issue caused a missed flight. i sit down at the local airport watering hole and order a sandwich.

can I get the onions grilled?

sure, no problem says richard the happy bar keep.

out of the depths of the kitchen rises my lovely sandwich . . . except the onions are raw. I politely call my darling richard over and ask if he would mind asking the kitchen to grill those bad boys.

of course! my apologies he states.

meanwhile I am on the phone chatting away when farm implement seller man sitting next to me says to richard, . . . and women wonder why men drink.

richard says excuse me to implement man and he proceeds to repeat it. louder. with a strong head nod to the left. which just happens to be my seat.

so answer me this . . . why does me asking for what i ordered and was told i could have make me the bad guy . . . high maintenance . . . bitchy woman? if I want something and it's bit right when it arrives and i get it fixed i think that's a good thing. no, that's a great thing! high maintenance my pearly whites! this chica takes care if herself.

and don't you forget it farm implement man!

just wondering

the world is definitely designed for more than one. sitting on the pier, walking the boardwalk, dining at 8 . . . twos, threes, families, friends, couples. seldom a single. is there a place they gather? is there a code to crack to be in the know? i am just curious.

after all these years it seems to be surfacing . . . and i am surprised

somewhere along the way i forgot.  or i got side tracked.  or maybe i became lazy.  i am really not sure.  all i know is being the best has been replaced by doing enough. 

when i was a girl i lived at the dance studio.  i danced 6 days a week.  several hours every day.  i was hopelessly devoted to life as a dancer.  mother nature had other plans for my physique and i didn't have the right look.  and when i finally accepted that truth i never successfully transferred that passion and drive to anything else.

i think i shall find it again.  i can feel it bubbling up - and this is a good thing. 

what happened to nice

i am amazed at the lack of nice that exists in the world today.
it seems we have become unbelievably crass and calloused towards the feelings of others.
try being nice today.

just for the day:

• do not insult others
• do not make fun of anyone else
• do not berate someone for their opposing view
• do not trash the other team
• do not make fun of a posted photo
• do not gossip

just for the day:

• smile
• give a compliment
• thank someone for their effort
• pick up a tab
• close a car door
• offer to put away a grocery cart

just be kind.  kind is more than an act - it is a way of life.  this is not a guide of how to be nice or kind, but rather a living breathing example of how we each chose to be.  might i suggest this short read: http://www.superherodesigns.com/journal/archives/002090.html

according to some . . . all is right

some people prescribe to the notion that all is as it should be.  that nothing is out of sync.  that the universe is and all that is in it is.  nothing more and nothing less.

i love that many can look at the world with such acceptance.  and i think i would like to have that ability as well.  but, alas, i do not have that gift. 

where does that leave questions, dreams, challenges and hopes?  if all is where it is supposed to be where does effort manifest itself?

wendy whiner . . . snl reprise?

life is a series of road blocks, challenges, struggles, upsets, set backs, highs, lows, experiences, events, successes and the list goes on and on.  many people way smarter than i have said in all sorts of flowery ways it is how we deal with life that really matters - and i suppose they are correct.

but every now and again i just have to stop for a second and whine.  at least to myself.  sometimes it seems like everything is stacking up and not very much is going right.  i will not delve in to the details as they are really irrelevant to this blog.  but i will propose this question:

are the lessons wasted if we rush into the 'everything is FINE' stage.  (fine is one of my least favorite words in the english language.  totally over used and means very little - unless you are speaking about the texture of one's hair.  but i digress . . .)  is it wrong to sit in a little puddle and lament and whine quietly about your personal situation?  or is that being selfish, self-centered and inappropriate?

how do you ever grow if you do not take time to reflect when you are in the midst of a situation you would rather not be in?  if i am a little whiny right now i apologize.  i'd like to think i am reflecting on how i got here with the intention of not traipsing down this merry little road again.  surely i am not just making excuses to be a wendy whiner.  what i am sure about is IF i am being an inappropriate whiner my dear friends and family will jethro me back to reality in short order!

over lapping words . . . overlapping thoughts

enjoy now
       now is the time to live
                     live the stuff that intrigues you
     you do not want to miss the opportunity
                    opportunity is best served with a little side of risk
                            risk is only risky if you never do it
         it looses its risk and becomes the adrenaline that propels you forward
      forward is the motion that will get you there
                there is no place better than right here right now

where do you go

where do you go when the music starts? do you allow it to take you away? are you bold enough to get immersed in the smooth rythyms and strong currents? where do you go? is it a new place? A place from long ago? somewhere that only exists in your mind?

the music begins and fills the space. there is barely enough room for breathing because the air is so full. i can hear the richness but I cannot see it. at that very moment of realization the music is larger than the thoughts fighting for my attention.

it has become increasingly more obvious to me that the objects that fill space and time (music, thoughts, etc) weigh considerably more than the tangible items we often place value in.

excuse me now . . . i think i will go hum a few bars.

let's discuss

we have free will . . . yet we pray 'your will be done' . . . is that so our free will might mimic his?

if his will is to be done is it ok if we don't do his will but rather our own will?  isn't that what free will is?

can you train free will?

does our free will ever go away?

when there is sickness or illness and someone asks for prayer and there is healing we celebrate.  yeah good god!

when there is sickness or illness and someone asks for prayer and there is not healing . . . then what?

some say deny yourself something during lent.  others say add something for lent.  what about the non-lent times?  should we deny or add something just as a reminder all year long?

muddling through

you know, i never claimed to have all the answers or even want all of the answers.  it is foolish to think that any one person could possess all of the answers for every situation they encounter.  but i am puzzled and perplexed.  when you weigh all sides as best as you can, you tread carefully in to uncharted waters and you truly look about to consider the havoc you could very well be wreaking  if you take one more tiny step forward and things explode in your face any way - what do you do?

• apologize and try again?
• retreat and vow to never step foot there again as long as you live?
• ignore it like it never happened and pick up the next day as if not a beat was skipped?
• acknowledge and move on?

these are rhetorical questions and i realize that.  it just frustrates me to no end that no matter how careful, guarded, sincere, honest, real, open, accepting, humble, genuine, honest, truthful, and authentic you are - the world has a different agenda.

so, in hind sight, the very best i can do is evaluate the situation, critique myself and make my choices accordingly . . . right?

starts with a c. oh what is that one word? oh yes . . . familiar!

such a strange sensation came over me tonight . . .  
same airline.  different route. 
same airport at the end of the flight.  different gate. 
same city.  different people.
same shuttle bus to the car rental lot.  different car. 
same hotel.  different room. 
same client.  different problems. 
same staci.  different thoughts. 
everything that is the same is really quite different . . .

root beer floats

the thoughts swirl around in my head.  i think about them as i think my quiet thoughts.  my imagination takes over and it ratchets up about elevety four degrees.  my brain goes in to overdrive.  i create what i cannot see.  and i am really good at it.  i can make the littlest thing as big as the night sky. 

where there is a vacuum i will create an answer.

then i try and intersect with the real world.  remain calm.  do not project.  accept what you see as truth.  erase the tapes i have created in the noise of my own head.  my free roaming imagination can paint the most amazing pictures.  none of it based on a single speck of reality.

for a while it is a super fun place to exist.

then the float back to earth becomes impossible to corral.  just as my toes begin to reach for earth another wave of what if lifts me higher.  it is no longer a choice but the new reality.  and i soar.  i look down and see real.  but i am too far removed from real to embrace it as my own.  so i watch from above.

the only thing that grounds me is to say those crazy thoughts out loud.  myths are dispelled.  insecurities are discussed.  frustrations are articulated.  and with every thought i say out loud i begin to calm.  and before i know it i am back.  and it feels right.  and real.  and the only thing that floats is my root beer.   

aging slows down for no one

she rises as early as 5 a.m. every morning to a small cup of pills.  she dresses herself out of a closet that is not familiar.  she searches her cupboards and drawers for her personal items.  nothing is as it should be.  oxygen is always connected.  her mind is as sharp as ever.  she knows the medical name of all of her meds.  she asks repeatedly for the staff to close her door as they leave - you must latch it for it to stay shut - why can't they remember?

she asked me why i put her in a nursing home.  she doesn't like it because it is full of old people.  her body is slow.  her mind is not.  her memory is sharp and sometimes so is her tongue.  and she feels horrible when that happens.  she apologizes but her world is not what she thinks it should be.  how did she end up in a rehab center at 92?  gaining strength every day - strength from her physical trainers - but real strength from those of you who write, call and visit.   

what goes in and what comes out.  that is her domain.  no current events.  no inquiry about extended family.  why can't the staff take more time and talk to her?  why are they all in such a hurry?  why didn't her oxygen tank get changed?  why did they wake her up to tell her they were closing her blinds?  is it necessary for a man to give a woman a shower?  all modesty has been replaced by appreciation for help.

i am not prepared to witness what is happening.  however i would not miss it for the world.  i can not tell her she will get better.  but i would never dream of not encouraging her to try.  i do not know why her life continues.  yet i cherish every single moment i have with her.

the impact you have

every day you get up and go about your business.  some days are undoubtedly very purposeful and planned and other days you might float through with little to no regard.  your patterns are yours.  your interaction with those around you depends primarily on either your mood or protocol - which ever is more powerful at that moment. 

every day you come across hundreds of people.  many you talk to.  others you listen to.  some only see you in the distance.  think about it!  how many people lay their eyes on you . . . ?

what will their experience be?  what will they garner from having been around you?  will they be better off having talked to you?  will you have made a difference by them just seeing you?  will your time with them leave them in a better place than before they encountered you? 

there have been numerous days in my life over the last 18 months that the only people that spoke to me or that i spoke to were in the service industry.  "may i help you?"  "that will be $5.89."  "please remove your laptop and place it on the conveyor."  i guess some days are not destined to be highly interactive.  may we never forget that even though we may not speak to others - they are still watching.  what do others observe when they see you?

the stranger i trust

there comes a time when trusting strangers for the very basic needs of life becomes the only option . . .

she does not know you.  and neither do i.  yet you cook her food, shower her, see to it that she goes to the bathroom and is tucked safely in bed.  she trusts you will hook the oxygen up right, raise the bed rails and not let her fall.  i trust that you will care for her as much as i do.

the vulnerability is mind-boggling.  you have her life and well being in your very hands by nature of where you successfully filled out a job application and aced an interview.  this is not to say you are not a quality individual - i bet you are - i pray you are!  this is about the side of the fence we sit on.

you see today, tonight and for the next days until the time ends we will trust you and your judgment.  but once your services are no longer needed i would no more trust you than the man in the moon.  our lives will no longer intersect unless it is a random passing at wal-mart or the mall on a dateless day in the future.

where does that trust that i relied on to allow me to sleep at night go once she no longer relies on you?  why do i not trust those who i meet randomly like i trust you?  or maybe i do - am i alone in that strange sense of trust?  call me a fool or call me naive.  just make sure you call me if she needs me.

so much for the time

it has been quite a while since i have blogged.  much has changed yet everything is still the same.  my precious grandmother spent some time in the hospital and that threw my world out of sync.

her time there reminded me of two very important lessons:

• if there is someone who you love and the relationship is not on track you had better fix it now!  every single minute that you spend out of whack you will never get back.
• time cannot be wasted as we have no control over it.

if there is something that needs to be said - good, bad or ugly - get it said now!  you are wasting your energy fretting about the outcome.  just get on with it.  

it is just that simple

no matter how many times someone else tells me or how many things i read i can do no more than i believe i can

read. rinse. repeat.

i seldom use absolutes.  this seems as good as any time to make an exception:

never

• tug on superman's cape
• spit in the wind
• turn your back on a friend 
• be afraid to admit you are wrong
• take your life for granted
• give up if there is still a glimmer of hope
• live a life of regret

always

• do the right thing
• look on the bright side
• catch people doing something right instead of something wrong
• speak without sugar coating
• do what you say you are going to do when you say you are going to do it
• believe in the impossible
• give the important things the attention they deserve

in between never and always

• keep learning the lesson even when it hurts
• do not give up on your dream
• be the kind of friend you need
• create the world you dream about living in
• love
• forgive
• remember
• forget

and they lived happily ever after

you are making an impact on those around you whether you mean to or not.  in light of this always keep in mind:

• your words are heard
• your actions are observed
• your tone permeates your words
• your ability or inability to communicate leaves the world around you in a vacuum which will be filled

so when things get hard or are sticky or uncomfortable consider the following:

• honesty is always the best policy
• it is impossible for the outcome to be positive when attitudes are negative
• know what you stand for and articulate it hot
• be kind but firm
• do not bring up the past - it has no bearing on the present
• once you have articulated your thoughts be still

yes dear

when i met him he was strong.  so strong.  and funny!  i mean laugh until you cried funny.  gym-rat deluxe.  never missed a workout.  huge muscles.  big grin.  larger than life.  i could pick out the timbre of his voice over the blaring music in the weight room every time.  the color of his melodic laugh was sunny yellow.  unmistakable!

we lost touch.  for years.  decades in fact.  enter facebook.  re-enter the gym rat deluxe.

only now he is sick.  really sick.  the kind you do not recover from.  the kind of sick that debilitates you and there is nothing you can do.  no medicine can fix it.  no amount of love can correct the evil disease that has taken over.  he is dying.  and he knows it.  there is no denying it.

yet the minute i saw his name the laugh began to ring in my ears and i could see that gorgeous smile again.  he is still larger than life.  he is still funny.  and strong.  not his body - that strength left some time ago.  but his love filled heart is nothing short of miraculous.

through the modern day miracle of facebook we began a conversation, his typed with his thumbs as that is all that moves now, about his impending death.  i wanted him to know while he is still alive that i will be at his funeral.  he shared the location of the service, the priest that will preside and stated there will be no invitations sent.  bummer.  that would have been so him.  and so cool.  hard to pin down the date i suppose. 

i asked him if he was afraid of dying to which he responded:

I don't know what to expect the act of dying to be like. I will likely die from respiratory failure. A harsh death to watch. I'll be morphine to the gills if not too sudden. Don't want to suffer such in front of my sister.  Would like to drop dead. I like surprises and that away we all move along.  I worry about making amends with people. 

even as he faces the last little oomph of his 50-some year old life he is eking out humor, love, forgiveness and kindness.  he is the consummate brave soul.  he is the best example of getting the heart of the watermelon of life i know.  i appreciate his willingness to let me ask my questions.  and i love his journey to the end.

clark, may your ride to the light be swift.  thank you and peace.  yes dear.

did i miss it

did it just never occur to me, am i selfish, uneducated or am i so insulated by the geography that i call home that i have never marched, stood, fought for, protested, demonstrated or shouted for something that i truly, madly, deeply believe in?

laura's pictures scream.  her posts reiterate the importance.  she is convicted to her soul.  she has traveled there.  she knows the issues and the fight.  she understands the people.  she is the people. 

i live in a happy place but is that fair?  is it a good use of my voice?  or my passion, conviction and ability?  why have i never taken up a cause?  does a cause come to you or is it ours to seek out?  i am not sure how i missed out on this.  i am 44 years old and i do not believe i have stood firm for the freedom, safety or life of another.

i admire her conviction.  i admire her.  in honor of all she stands for and will stand for i open my heart to opportunity.  thank you laura.

i can barely believe it

such is the life of a dreamer

solutions are so much easier after the fact

being a friend to those in need is way more important than your own agenda

does the sun really ever shine loud enough

the train is about to wreck and you scream STOP but no one hears you

the crevasse begins to change when it is recognized

jsog

all it takes is a good pair of boots to start a conversation

maybe the bellamy brothers were on to something

let your love flow . . . what a nice thought

five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight

i walked on to the stage hours before the audience arrived. it would be my final performance on this stage.  my time had come. my big break. as i reflected on the hours of practice i had spent preparing for this night i realized my life would never be the same again. one chapter was ending and another one, filled with wonder, expectation and hope was just beginning. 

countless hours spent rehearsing.  social events missed.  proms ignored.  the roar of the crowd my classmates partook in i never experienced.  was it worth it?  

all i know is if i do not step out today, this very moment i will live to regret it forever.  as i breathe deeply to gather my nerve, resolve and composure it becomes crystal clear that this is exactly where i am supposed to be.   

go.  create.  seek.  find.  live.

it was a perfect spring day. the kind you meet your best friend on.

everyone in town talked about her.  they thought she was crazy.  her ideas didn't align with theirs and she rarely fit in.  her love was bigger than most knew how to accept.  her life never became a recognizable pattern and it made others uncomfortable and uneasy.

she was in the prime of her life.  dressed in her best.  she stood patiently at the train station.  a small, weathered leather bag packed with her favorite belongings was clutched in her hands.  it contained her childhood doll, two wispy curls - each tied with a blue ribbon, a tiny sterling silver heart as a reminder of her past, her grandmother's recipe box and a card written in familiar handwriting.

she could hear the rumble of the train as it rattled down the track.  if you listened closely you could hear the chug: b-b-g, b-b-g, b-b-g, over and over and over.  it mesmerized her.  it was calling to her. but instead of the sound getting louder as the train entered the station it became more and more faint.  she asked a gentleman walking past where the train was and he said it hadn't come to that station for over 30 years.

But she could hear it . . .  yes, he commented.  but it runs on the track a couple of blocks away.  he told her she could hear it from here and she could see it as well.  but no matter how long she stood here on this platform it would never come for her.

a long tale

right now. 
living. 
it screams in my head.
does it get any better? 
does it get any worse? 
i think not. 
all i am sure of is right now. 
not tomorrow. 
not you. 
not then. 
and not there. 
just now. 
right now. 
take a chance.
live a dream.
stop planning.
stop waiting.
begin.
again.
do more with less.
create it.
do not settle.
why?
why not?
the perfect time does not ever come.
an inopportune time is as good as any.
it is simply wrong to waste it.
someone else might have been able to use it if i waste it.
so i will go.
dig deeper.
i will.
i am called to.
you should meet me there.
on the edge.
where the wind blows.
and the lights meet the dawn.
and the ocean roars.
and the colors are vibrant.
and the air is clear.
it is so bright you can taste the sounds and hear the flavors.
waiting any longer is not an option.

maybe i should have started drinking coffee

i do not drink coffee.  i have never tasted it.  i never quite thought i was old enough to drink it - so i never started.  there are a lot of things in my life that i never thought i was old enough to do.  like be the one that makes all of the decisions.  or the one that is in charge of where, how, when, why and who. 

yet i find myself old enough.  it is up to me and often i feel ill equipped to handle it.  does anyone else ever feel this way?  what did i do to prepare for this part of my life except live the previous part?  is that really enough? 

g'ma wants to know if i think her living will is appropriately documented.  let me think about that . . . hmmm, g'ma, who i love to the moon and back, wants me, the granddaughter, to tell her if her dying wish is appropriate.  i think it is.  but who am i to say?

four of my very closest friends are battling major life issues and they each one turn to me and ask what i would do, or share their story, or ask if what they are doing is right, correct, fair, good, reasonable.

god grant me the words to say or the sense to keep my mouth shut!

she just would not stop

while sitting at the airport earlier this week i found myself with a couple of extra hours on my hands due to travel delays, so i decided to set up office in the local snack shack and get some much needed work done.  or at least catch up on facebook and my blog.  so i dig my laptop out of my bag and fire it up.  i just get settled in and this woman walks up and sits down at the next table.

she looks miserable.  fussy.  mad.  out of sorts.  not a happy camper.  her hair is ratty (it is early) and she appears to not be dressed for the day.  and she begins to cry.  no.  she begins to wail.  i look around to see if there is anyone who is claiming this puddle of emotion i am sitting next to.  no one steps forward.  i lean over to her and whisper, "are you ok?  is there anything i can do?"  she barks back, "do i look alright to you?"  so much for reaching out.

i turn back to my busy work and her husband shows up and sits down.  he tenderly touches her on her arm and encourages her to stop crying.  she does - and she begins to glare at him.  you know the kind of glare that frosts palm trees in the desert.  she is fuss-see!  and then she lights in to him about his work schedule.  blisters him with insults about having to go out of town once a month with his job.  he just sits there and continues to eat his breakfast sandwich without making eye contact with her.

she begins to talk about if she ran the company she would hire a bunch of other people to do his job so he could stay home with her.  her rant moves away from the job he is required to do and moves to her insecurities about him possibly not coming back home ever again.  she begins to wail.  loud.  people are moving away from them and he just sits there chewing slowly.  she continues berating him about being out of town and how dare he agree to go every time they ask him.  (at this point i am thinking dude, i totally do not blame you!)

she insists there is just not enough time in the day for her to get the dogs fed, the laundry done, the dishes done and. . . . wait for it . . . enough time for her to be able to keep up with her reality tv shows.  yes, she actually said that out loud!  he finishes his food and says it is time for him to go.  she grabs his arm and and begs him not to go.  he begins walking towards the security line and she will not let go.  he is now dragging her across the floor of the snack shop while she sits in her chair.  amazing.

it was like a train wreck.  i couldn't turn away.  he asks her if she needs some money, flips her a ten spot, jerks his arm away, bends down, tenderly kisses the top of her head and turns to go.  she screams don't go!!!  he goes . . .

i was feeling out of sorts today.  i was not on my game.  i was feeling fussy (not as fussy as her but none the less i was not in my zone).  so i apologized for being moody, and a bit cranky.  it is important that i got to say my peace and equally as important that i was heard.  so what are you saying these days?  and are you hearing what others are saying to you?  be careful how you speak to others.  you just never know if you are going to have the opportunity to make amends.

life is a verb not an adjective

i find myself in an odd situation.  i set myself on a course that makes sense to me.  i wade through the stuff that makes a weighty decision, well, weighty.  you know, the pros and the cons.  i think about the parameters within which i can live.  i chose the path and give myself the pep talk that screams "YOU CAN DO THIS!" (the "this" is really irrelevant) 

i do everything i need to do to make sure i am successful.  i change patterns, clothes, schedules, habits . . . (i even wore 2 inch heels thinking it might give me a different look at the world.  for those of you who don't know me well, i am a daily wearer of 4 1/2 to 5 inch heels)  i work at finding my balance.  and you know things hum along pretty well . . . for a while.  and then out of no where something will slap me right up side the head and knock me over . . . not down . . . but definitely over.

it seems strange to me that for all "things" i put in place to ensure i am stable, propped up, balanced, etc. it only takes one small event to tip me over.  but not all of the time.  just every now and again.   

so, how fragile am i? well, i am hardly fragile!  are my expectations of myself unrealistic?  perhaps.  i am a capable person.  i can do this.  cue the really, really powerful music - maybe chariots of fire or some other such song.  i feel better already!  sometimes it just helps to get the thoughts out of my head.

do not let it rule you

choices.  decisions.  plans.  lists.  goals.  requirements.  payments.  facts.  figures.  options. selections. the list is endless yet we seem to be tethered to it.  there is the old adage stating there are only two things in  life that are non-negotiable: death and taxes.  although that is really over simplified we do give credence and attention to so many other things. 

if there was just a slight change in the way we think about how we exist we might just find more time for the things we want to do, energy to get them done, focus to decide what truly is important and most certainly love to give away freely. 

instead we get bogged down in the crap that we chalk up as life.  but is that really life?  i think not!  life is meant to be lived.  not drudged through with a sour face, a hateful disposition and a chip the size of the rock of gibraltar on your shoulder.  lighten up francis!  it is time to start living the good life. 

i can already hear the naysayers throwing barbs that i do not live in reality, i am not realistic, life is hard, there are no easy answers, etc.  and i agree.  life is hard!  but it doesn't have to be miserable.  i have been accused of living in the present in a happy place referred to as my staci-dom.  ok.  i own that. but i gladly own it!  and in case you were wondering - it is a great place that i have purposefully created.  has my life been a bed of roses?  i think not.  it is a choice to live in the staci-dom.  i think you should consider creating your own dom, your own happy life. 

and if you struggle getting there that is ok too.  rome wasn't built in a day you know.  i am a mere comment away if you need a safe place to talk about how to get there.  click on the yellow comment line and send me a note and we can talk off-line.  it is time you create your own happy life. 

the duel of anger and love

words spoken out of anger do not die.  they are remembered.  harbored.  played over and over and over time and time again.  they are replayed immediately after they are spoken and they fuel the current fire.  they are taken off the memory shelf a few days later and turn a perfectly good mood sour in a matter of seconds.  they are relived weeks later and the patterns surrounding them are pondered.  they resurface months later and make true forgiveness almost impossible. 

words spoken out of love should be held as some of the most powerful words ever spoken.  yet often they are dismissed.  did he really mean it or was he just responding to what i said first?  does she really love me or will this pass like others have? 

true love is one of the most exquisite encounters one can have.  yet anger is the emotion with way more authority than it should have.  it seems to be the one emotion that is an absolute.  work instead to make love your absolute.  do not give anger power over you.

what time do you have

only someone who held on to the very end can say they let someone go.  (borrowed from a quote embedded in an email forwarded to me by someone way smarter than i)

now that is a powerful statement.  let's break it down . . .

only someone  the words say one but infers there were two.  one being held and one doing the holding.  not several.  just two and no more than two.

who held on  action.  forward movement.  purposeful.  a decision that would be made over and over and over every single time the opportunity presented it self . . . no matter how painful it might seem to the outside world.  given the opportunity you would make the exact same choice again and again.

to the very end  that is a long time.  it also indicates knowledge.  knowledge that the end is actually coming.  it is inevitable and will happen.

can say  a choice.  an audible choice.  a decision.

they let someone go  specific.  most notable: standing still and watching someone else move away without control or influence of their actions. 

be nice to those you encounter who have held on to the end.  if you meet someone who is standing close to the end just be there for them until that chapter is over.  if you are the one who is leaving be swift if it is in your control.  if it is not in your control more than anything say what you mean and mean what you say.  remember  . . . no regrets.  there simply isn't time.

wandering thru the fields of my mind

when you slow down long enough to evaluate where you are along your path often times it is painfully clear that your wishes are not enough to manifest true reality.  then what?

recognition appreciation gratitude

recognition is being publicly honored and thanked for something you did or gave.  like having a building named after you or having your name placed on a donor wall.  you did x so you get y.

appreciation is thanking someone for what they did or gave.  it might come in the form of a phone call to say thank you or hand writing a note expressing your thanks.  maybe even going so far as to seek out the person at home, church, the office or store and take the time to acknowledge and thank them.

gratitude is the condition of your heart that propels you beyond recognizing someone's actions to the point of truly being thankful. 

i am filled with gratitude and i appreciate you.  your kindness and attention to the smallest details are so sweet and thoughtful.  having the sidewalk scooped for me upon my return.  sending me a text to drive careful.  checking in on me as i travel.  taking time to talk to me.  the list goes on and on.  you make my life better and i am grateful. 

{maybe this doesn't speak to you.  well, let's change that!  within the next couple of hours do something for someone that would make them have these significant feelings towards you.  you are going to cross paths with someone soon.  so why not lay a random act of kindness on them and see how good it makes you feel!}

at the end of the day it is good to know the difference between recognition and appreciation.  and it is great to have an arsenal of gratitude ready to employ in a moments notice.  you might just get two chocolate chip cookies on the plane ride home instead of only one.

enough

i experienced enough yesterday.  it felt really good.  i had enough sense to drive safely on the whacked out snowy streets.  i had enough skill to maneuver through traffic with 3.83 million fellow road warriors.  i had a lovely chat with my dad.  another one with my mom.  talked to g'ma.  spoke with, emailed or texted with my wonderful best friend.  had a decent meal.  went to bed at 10.  it was a good day.

makes me wonder why more people do not recognize the enough in their own life.   you know, bigger is not always better.  and neither is more.  faster can sometimes be fun - but it requires more concentration to avoid ending up in the ditch or embankment and you really don't get to see as much when you are going faster. 

so slow down, enjoy the route, feel the bumps and potholes of life and savor the fact that you are alive and moving and in control (and if you are out of control stop what you are doing right now and get there!).  stop trying to amass more and recognize enough and enjoy it.

wonderful!!

you have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  what you'll discover will be wonderful.  what you'll discover is yourself. ~ alan alda


what are you willing to leave to discover wonderful?

• excessive food and drink
• gossip
• bad relationships
• unhealthy "friends"
• laziness
• apathy
• etc., etc., etc.

you know it is way easier to sit in the crap and blame others for the situations we find ourselves in.  but the reality is our situations are reflections of what we sow.  if things aren't so peachy in your world - change them.  quit complaining or harping or nagging or wishing or suggesting or talking or arguing or presuming.  

pull yourself up by your bootstraps and make things better.  you made decisions that got you into the situation that you are now in so go ahead and make some different and better decisions and get yourself out.  it is ok to admit you are not where you want to be.  just make sure you can articulate the reasons.  and then go for it!  isn't it time you experienced wonderful?  yes, i think so too!

a short, sad realization

human decency has become the exception instead of the norm

this is not acceptible

how will the pendulum gain momentum to swing the other direction?

will it swing in time?

g'ma

she got married when she was a young woman.  she had two handsome sons.  she worked.  hard.  she buried her husband.

she married again and continued to work.  then she had a daughter.  she sent her youngest son to vietnam.  thankfully he came home.  she worked more.  hard.  she gardened and canned the fruits (and vegetables) of her labor.  she picked up every leaf from her yard.  she took care of the neighbors.  she buried her youngest son.  she took care of her grandchildren.  she continued to work even more.  hard.  she buried her husband.

she kept working.  hard.  she never tired.  she was tall and strong and dressed up to go to the store.  she married again.  he was her high school sweet heart.  she was 81.  they sat down at the front of the church during the ceremony.  she was so happy.  he spoiled her.  he took her to dinner and they laughed.  together.  a lot.  she buried her husband.  she buried all of her siblings.  she is 92.

she loves.  she loves me.  proof that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to earn the love of another.  love is just something that happens.  and when it happens it is pure and true and precious and wonderful. 

do not miss giving your love to someone else.  if you are scared - get over it and just love.  as a skeptic of love i can tell you - i am a believer in true love and she has helped me learn the lesson.  if you are afraid to love.  don't be.  come spend an evening with me and g'ma and you will see what love looks like.

standing

reality and the edges surrounding it can be difficult to see.  as children we are taught the values of whoever it is that raises us.  some of it happens purposefully and some of it happens due to the cultural mores we absorb by osmosis.  and, without as much as a conscious thought, they become our own. 

then we grow up and begin to redefine who we are.  sometimes more than once.  but our basic ability to have the internal dialogue of deciding what we believe in and choosing to follow that belief is only possible because we first believed.  something.  anything. 

being able to clearly define what you believe and why you believe it will help ensure that you stand strong in what it is you profess.   so, today, i challenge you to verbalize your reality.  find someone you trust and tell them. 

why?  because if you are not brave enough to say out loud what your reality is - what you believe - how in the world will you remember it when your character needs to rely on it?