letting go can be the hardest part

i've got to leave here before i go.  i recently came across this comment attached to a photo blog and it struck me as insightful, yet so obvious.

there seems to be a never ending stream of desire to be and do different.  somehow the last couple of generations have missed out on the 'it is good to be me and where i am' gene.  always searching for bigger, thicker, fuller, higher, fancier, faster, leaner, firmer, more, more, more.  yet, seldom do i see the departure from the current to go after the desired.

a trapeze aerialist provides a great example . . . no matter how bad the flier wants to fly to the empty trapeze swinging in anticipation, there must be a change in grip and in focus.  the flier must let go psychically and emotionally to transfer to the next trapeze.  no amount of wishing, thinking, dreaming, strategizing or hoping will get the job done until there is an actual transfer.

so you have two phenomenal options here and one fairly lame.  the first option is to take inventory and begin to live with appreciation for where you are.  live within your means and love out of your heart.  if you determine you really do want things to be different, better, etc. then your second option is to quit talking about making changes and begin.  nothing like a new year to make a quiet pact with yourself to get that new job, seek out a better life or attain that goal you have set for yourself but have never given yourself permission to achieve.  the third option, and i think the lame option, is to keep talking and do nothing.  we all know talk is cheap so the investment speaks for the outcome.

as for me, i have a trapeze to fly on . . . the thrill being that high in the air, the wind rushing my face and through my hair, the risk, oh the risk . . . but i think i am going to perfect hanging on and learn to truly appreciate the view.  i will get back to you before i let go.

some things should not be and some things should be

bloody mary's shouldn't be bitter
sandwich makers should be rewarded for conscientious behavior
biscotti jars should not be broken
fancy scarves should be half price
black feathers should not grow out of shoulder blades no matter how red your eyes are
skin should be made wrinkly in a swimming pool over looked by tread mills
phones should not ring that many times
water canisters should always match your car
weird mothers should not be portrayed that way without some sort of warning
fire fighters should be photographed every year

true grit is always wise . . . unless you are a black swan

soaring will surely ensue

find something, anything, that lights up your soul and incorporate it into your life.  not a silly little thing like your favorite coffee drink or sports team.  i mean search deep inside of who you are at your very core and figure out what it is that makes your heart soar and discover ways to push that thrill to the forefront of your very being.

each one of us has great value and worth.  and each one of us has a very special something that resides within only us.  and what an amazing honor to cultivate, nurture and allow it to bloom.

the lucky ones make a living doing their passion.  everyday they earn a wage by doing what they love.  but the ones that are truly phenomenal are the ones that no matter if they are drawing a paycheck or not their passion and love for their special talent squeezes out of every morsel of their being.  every breath spreads a radiant blast warm with the excitement and love of simply being. 

it is time.  it is time to raise your own bar and feel, bellow, dart, roar, ooze, grow, run, develop,  leap, spin your way to sheer joy.  a new year awaits - but i suggest you start now.  get a jump on it . . . what do you have to loose besides a fabulous feeling bubbling up from your toes.   

it is not enough to merely walk aimlessly through life . . . unless that is what you decide your trail of life will look like.  it is your call.  make it!

see you on the edge

standing on the edge of yourself - what a great place to be!  nothing holding you back.  the wind of opportunity screaming at you to join in life.  it doesn't get any better than right this very second!  what are you doing with the chance you have been given?  are you backing down out of fear or bracing yourself for an adventure worthy of living?

how many more times are you going to let it pass you by?  take the step and start.  now.  do not make another list, one more plan or take an additional breath.  do it.  you have thought about it.  make it happen.  do not wait for the new year or next month or tomorrow or the next day. right now is the best time. 

there are no guarantees but who wants a guarantee?  remember when you were a kid and you took a chance?  one of a couple things happened - you either did it and it was a success, you didn't succeed but you liked it enough to keep trying or you bombed but had an awesome story to tell your friends!

so why should things be any different today?  hopefully it is not pride holding you back.  who cares if you have an epic fail?  no one but you is keeping score anyway - so let yourself go and begin.  standing on the edge of yourself . . . it just sounds like a good place to be!  nothing except you holding yourself back.  give yourself permission.  just think of the feeling you will have once you start.  even if it is just a baby step . . . begin. 

see you on the edge . . . 

good . . . bad . . . nothing

on two different occasions i have picked up a magazine called nylon.  its a glossy, slick, "it girl" magazine.  fashion forward but not trendy.  more edgy i suppose.  it sort of reminds me of a magazine that photographers who are true to their soul would aspire to shoot for.  raw even. 

anyway, there was an article in it written about an up and coming actress named mila kunis.  many of you will recognize her by sight if her name does not ring a bell.  regardless, she had a quote that keeps haunting my mind.

if you listen to the good, you have to listen to the bad. so, i listen to nothing.

i sort of like it.  here is why:

• we put way too much emphasis on what others think
• one person's good is another person's bad
• there is no way to please everyone
• if we listen to nothing we might have the time to hear what our original thoughts are

it's just a thought.  what do you think?

help me . . . don't hinder me

dictionary.com says achievement is defined as a noun and is something accomplished, especially by superior ability, special effort, great courage, etc.; a great or heroic deed.

 

so when exactly does achievement begin?  we have gotten quite good at celebrating the success of a job well done, a goal met, a challenge overcome.  passed your spelling test? way to go!  got a raise? nice job!  lost weight? super!  hit your sales goals? great!

but what about when the achievement actually begins?  isn't that the time we should kick in to high 'you can do it' mode?  isn't the process that leads to success just as important as the end result?  isn't the very first part of success having the courage to actually begin? 

too many times we sit back and watch.  maybe we observe as the road blocks begin to appear and possibly even use the toe of our shoe to help nudge them out in to the path.  or we talk about all of the reasons the attempt won't work, the person is all wrong for the journey, it's too dangerous, you are too young, too old, too tall, too short, too busy, not busy enough.

perhaps i have gotten cynical but it seems to me that we spend more time reflecting on what went wrong, who failed, who did it incorrectly, who was mistaken or wide of the mark rather than focusing on someone who has the courage to actually begin the process.

as we begin to take inventory of 2010 and focus on 2011 i challenge you to change the way you think. dedicate the time you would typically spend worrying and begin to encourage those around you who are just beginning their journey to achievement.  

it came upon a midnight clear

hey joe, can i talk to you for a minute?

sure, what's up?

well, its time.

ok.  are you nervous?

yes, i am.  i suppose i shouldn't be but i've never done this before.

yes, i know.  i have to tell you something.  if we can get through this we can get through anything.  you know that don't you?

i have been so focused on how i am feeling i guess i have not thought about you very much.  thanks for standing by me.

of course.

seriously.  what you have done for me is more than most would ever consider.

it is overwhelming if i think about it too much.

i know what you mean.

i trust this will all work out.  we have to believe it will.

i do.  and i know i couldn't have done this without you.  thank you joe.

you are so beautiful mary.  

merry christmas

you and i must make a pact

i have been honored, laughed at, laughed with, schmoozed, bamboozled, complimented, leered at, hit on, joked with, flattered, hurt, insulted, misinterpreted, loved, and scolded.  i have been thanked, berated, ill advised, ignored, lied to, challenged and apologized to (two, too).

i would gladly settle for listened to, accepted and maybe appreciated.

i commit to offer an ear, offer acceptance and appreciate those whom i interact with.

in the words of the jackson 5...

You and I must make a pact
we must bring salvation back
where there is love, I'll be there

really - i WILL be there

this. that. the other.

sometimes things do not turn out how you planned, expected or anticipated.  that is not to say that things turned out wrong.  just different. 

how you deal with your new path is your responsibility.  don't sell out to pity, whining or excuses.

pause to reflect.  acknowledge the lesson.  sit in the lesson until you learn it.

accept your responsibility.  make your future choices based on the new knowledge you have gained. 

and then begin again.

small ponderings

i am the first to admit my mind is a vast place (space?) of wonder and intrigue.  so i give you a couple of reoccurring thoughts i live with . . . ponder with me.

• when i look at color do i see the same color that you do?
• we all process things differently and have opinions that are as varied as we are - so how is it possible that emotions like sadness, humor, pride, appreciation of beauty, etc. strike such a common chord?
• when we are on the outside of an issue looking in, how come the view is so painfully clear? yet if the roles were reversed and we were on the inside of the issue our clarity would be clouded by emotions like sadness, humor. pride, appreciation of beauty, etc. ?  And didn't we just contemplate the common chord they strike?  so, shouldn't we be able to have clarity on either side of the issue?  think about it . . .
• why is brown cake called chocolate cake but white cake is not called vanilla cake - it is called white cake . . . ?
• remember the movie "finding nemo"?  why is nemo not pronounced like memo with an n?
• i think it is really funny when skit actors on snl get the giggles during their skits. 
• you know those couples that truly enjoy each others company (think laurie and tony, missy and greg, carl and marsha, kevin and carol)?  are they happy because they make the choice to be that way, is it chemistry or a combination of these two things?
• when was the last time you tough loved someone and did you regret it in hindsight?

that is all for now.

real

i sat so very still and tried to hide what i was thinking.  but that never really works for me - unless i am asleep i can be read like a first grade primer. so i opened up and spilled.  it was cathartic.  it was the right thing to do.

amazingly, my day improved.  conversations went a bit smoother, i was much more tolerant of those i ran across.  i saw things through new eyes.  my tone was kinder.  i laughed more.  it was like an unexpected gift.

as my good friend said to me tonight, "you know, i'm trying very hard to be real. it shouldn't take practice.  but it does"  how very true.  how very true.

may your days be filled with real.  and your nights be filled with no regret for not having been real.

i don't even like me today . . .

not one to miss an opportunity i am doing my best to embrace today.  it has not been particularly pleasant.  it started out with a stark realization that i was uncharacteristically unkind yesterday.  i made a snide comment after a girl whom i did not even know, left the business establishment where she worked.  the comment was regarding her "not dressing to her potential".  it has bothered me all day.  what an awful thing for me to say.  shame on me.

my extended family decided to adopt a needy family in our community.  i spent the majority of my afternoon shopping for the mom, her parents and brother.  simple items were requested. like warm clothes and coats.  you would have thought shopping for someone else would have put me in the christmas spirit.  it usually does. i wrapped the presents.  they look nice.  my mood has not changed.

what is the matter with me? 

welcome

it is the time of year everyone refers to as "the holidays". please help me understand what exactly that means.  dictionary.com defines holiday as a day fixed by law or custom on which ordinary business is suspended in commemoration of some event or in honor of some person.


 so what do the holiday's truly mean to you?  do you celebrate the birth of the savior? or do you celebrate the bestowing of gifts upon you and your family?  or maybe you reminisce about things that have happened in your religious or personal past.  or possibly you have just recently finished celebrating your heritage?  

i care less about what it is that you are celebrating and more about YOUR ability to articulate what you believe in.  can you say out loud what tenets are so important to you that no matter what you will not waiver?  what, in good conscience, are you willing to step away from your work load and still accept pay while you celebrate?  i tongue in cheek talk about worshiping at st. mattress of the springs.   most say 'where is that located?'  i politely tell them it is in the neighborhood. suffice it to say corporate worship has left me underwhelmed.

but that is not to say my faith in god has wavered.  i am a believer.  it is part of my being.  but i have soured on the religiosity that finds its way to the front of main stream america.  that part of religion makes my stomach turn, my body feel like a good hurl and my blood boil . . . pick a venom and i feel it. 

i love.  but i am human.  . . . and admittedly i fall terribly short . . . i am open to you and all that makes you who you are.  please, feel welcome at my table.  i hope you seek out like minded people.  i truly believe that if we share our love for each other we really can make  the world a better place.


and until that happens - well, what is one more person being kind?  that isn't such a bad thing now is it?  so, in light of the holidays, may you find peace and joy and a place to call home.  may you feel special and loved and accepted no matter where you are.  and if you feel yourself coming up short, give me a shout and you can join the merry band of people who love each other right where we are.

its just my imagination runnin' away with me . . .

which one are you?
is one more right than the other? 
if it is done out of love is it wrong?
would i care if it did not intersect with me?

are you the kind of person who loves so much you cannot help but share everything no matter what it is?
are you the kind of person who loves so much you keep some of the sticky and painful parts to yourself out of respect for the other person?

if there are holes in your story or patterns change without notice or explanation you can bet your bottom dollar it will be filled with a tale tall enough to reach. . . .

where is jack handy when all you seek is obvious clarity

• what am i doing here?  i do not belong.  i do not fit.  not in a selfish way.  but in a flat, open, derelict sort of way.  life pads on and i step in to situations that neither embrace the way i think nor do they allow for anything other than a stiff and prescribed way of acting which i can neither accept nor understand.

• it is entirely possible to have such sensible shoes in your wardrobe that they become who you are.  look at the shoes of the people who you interact with.  i bet my best 6 inch stilettos that they reflect the personality, values, character and actions to a tee.  just a thought.  neither right or wrong.  just is.

• seldom do i feel more of a disconnect from reality than the week before christmas.  but this year is strangely different.  i am not buying presents for my family - it is a new day and we are buying for a family who actually has needs.  this is a good thing.   now if we would each not loose the lesson in giving what is truly needed - do you even understand what this means?

•  i have discovered a new depth within myself and i am so excited about it.  it is not public but you will be the first one to know once it is.  i can see it from here.  all i need is a bit more time and the story will be ready for consumption.  order an extra bucket of popcorn - this is going to be good.

• your crass, hateful, uppity behavior is not working - for you or on me.  you have become completely unapproachable and i can only feel bad for you as i can not interact with you when you act like that.  i do not know whether to be hurt from your actions, embarrassed about you or just pity you.  regardless, this is not a good way to live.  are you happy with yourself?  i have had enough.

• does my intolerance of hate stem from liminal relationships?

housekeeping and then some

here is the housekeeping part:

many of you have said how difficult it is to post on my blog - i cannot experience this since i am writing it.  please send me a message, a post, a text or call me and explain to me what is happening so i can address it.

the ones that have been able to post have said some really great stuff!  i hope you will help me honor them by reading their comments.  

i am so thrilled by the number of you who are reading.  get this - there have been 250 readers from the usa, 8 from canada (hi jaclyn!), 1 from croatia and 1 from pakistan.  how cool is that?

i am humbled by the kind notes i have received thanking me for being bold, brave, etc. and writing the blog.  i have to admit i do not feel brave.  writing my thoughts is like breathing or blinking.  it just happens and i embrace it because i am not sure i could stop it anyway - well, i could not write the thoughts down but the only reason  they get written is because they are there and what else can you do with thoughts besides express them?

i would welcome your suggestions of topics for me to write about.  i am rarely without something to write but would LOVE to have your suggestions.  (like marcus and dallas did in their comments!)  and trust me - those questions will be addressed.  but i have to feel it which means i need to go back and re-read what was written, think about it and then write . . . and i will!  

and here is the and then some part:

as i reflect on what i have been experiencing over the last few weeks there are several lessons that i can not ignore:

• life is about the downs as much as the ups
• there are no guarantees that things will work out to my preferences and i refuse to sit out the journey, adventure or experience just because i can not see the future or the outcome
• many people are walking through life in a sort of lifeless, soulless stupor and i am not even sure they realize it - and it makes me sad - so take a look in the mirror and either do something about it or do your hair - your choice
• i can look in your eyes and tell if you are ok or not - do not try and pretend - it is unbecoming to a lady and a gentleman both - and that goes for me as well
• goodness comes around in lots of different packages - might i suggest you unwrap one of them

and here are just a few things to try as you have time:

• catch someone doing something good instead of doing something bad
• buy an ice cream cone, pay for the next person in line and then smile and leave
• listen to music of an artist you have quite possibly never heard of - might i suggest carla bruni
• ask a person of significant age what color their hair was when they were young and then listen
• stop pretending everything is ok when it is not
• discover the difference between recognition and appreciation and then practice it

that is just the beginning of the list but sleep calls so i must stop for now.  i appreciate you taking the time to read my blog.  thank you for sharing a bit of your day with me.

dinner 1 staci 0

i eat the majority of my meals alone.  (with the exception of a few out of this world friends and family who rework their schedules to accommodate my ridiculous one)  i am ok with dining alone.  i typically have a pb&j if i have bread at home or if i am traveling i eat whatever i can find nearby my mid-priced range hotel - typically something wrapped in paper or that requires plastic service ware - chipotle and subway are loyal standbys.  i take advantage of hotline.com as i fly in and out of airports and book myself in a four star hotel ever chance i get - and then i am super lame-o and order room service.

but tonight i ventured out!  a wonderful friend of mine challenged me to go downstairs at my fancy-schmancy hotel and order a decent meal.  so, i powdered my nose, back combed my weary hair and set out in search of a mouth watering plate of vittles - but more important, conversation.  upon entering the dimly lit but nicely appointed restaurant from the bank of elevators, i spotted the sign that said to approach the hostess stand for a seat.  in an effort to make friends (or at least in an attempt to remove a brick from my barrier [see yesterday's blog]) i took a seat at the bar next to a lady, about my age, who appeared to be alone.  i ordered a glass of red wine.

now almost every single person who is reading this would think this is not too much of a stretch for an outgoing girls such as myself . . . but those of you who really, really know me can attest to my i'd really rather be at home or with my very close circle of friends than i would entertaining the masses attitude . . . seriously.  anyway, i specifically sat next to the only other lady in the bar thinking this would be a great way to strike up a conversation and "meet some fabulous people" as i was instructed could be done if i was in the right frame of mind.

so i ask her where she hails from and what business brings her here, etc. clearly not very smashing topics as  demonstrated by quickly turning to the gentleman next to her on the other side and striking up a conversation about how many beers he had to drink before he found his favorite.  so i turned my attention to the two gentleman sitting on the other side of me.  they were yucking it up about missing happy hour as they finished quaffing (that's a snoopy term) down the last of their second round of cocktails.  i suggested they drink faster so as not to miss the close of happy hour - and they laughed - - -  and left.

so, i ate my pasta and delicious rustic bread.  alone.  in silence.  all the while wondering where the skill to start a conversation with a stranger goes once i hang up my work hat.  why is it i struggle making conversation over dinner in a hotel restaurant/bar yet i am perfectly comfortable asking for $2 million dollars or closing a multi-year sales deal?  is it the stereo typical, possibly looming pick-up that frightens me or an i could care less attitude that permeates my very being?  that doesn't really sound much like me.  but this i know - i suck really bad at small talk with people who i do not know and will not know past the dinner hour.

this is not to say i will never try again - because i am not a quitter and i imagine i will give it another try again.  but i must say, room service, a 20% gratuity and a $3.00 delivery charge doesn't sound so bad right now.

i tried but it just feels too vulnerable right now . . . maybe its the season

on more than one occasion i have been encouraged to write something about myself.  not my view on something outside of me or my opinion of a situation or a societal norm, but something personal.  something about who i am, what i think, something i have experienced personally.  me. 

that is really hard.  i have worked the past i don't know how many years carefully constructing a barrier around myself so as not to get hurt and it feels really odd to think about letting the outside see the inside of me.  so i have spent the entire evening thinking about what to write about.  what to say.  what could i possibly have to share that would be of interest to others.

i guess it is just not in the cards tonight as i can not come up with anything that i am comfortable sharing.  i did discover i have a ton of stuff floating around in my heart and head that i should get out.  but i am not sure this is the venue. 

so my parting comments are as heartfelt as they come - there is a lot inside of me.  sometimes it is hard to force it out.  be kind.  be gentle.  do not judge.  it doesn't take much to force a retreat.  i will try again soon.  that is all.  capisci?

hey, i saw that

over the years i have become an astute observer of people.  it helps pass the time and it gives me something to think about when things are quiet.  i have fairly high intuition and watching how people interact with others is fascinating to me.

i see a lot of scowls on faces and they intrigue me greatly.  i see goofy, puppy eyed lovers looking longingly at each other and it gives me hope.  i see complacent looks of boredom and it makes me sad.  i see people who completely ignore who they are with and it makes me want to intervene.

i guess the point is we are never out of the line of others if we are in public - people are watching.  so what is the story they see when they see you?  you know there is truly not a whole lot that we can control - how we act is one of them. 

so, what kind of story would your actions tell?

they grew up

allow me to set the stage for you . . .

i am standing in my hotel room
at the bar were the coffee machine, microwave and mini-fridge reside
the plug in at the desk doesn't work
it is very very late
i often write in my head as the day progresses
then i hit the key board and fine tune the message
but not tonight
this one is unfolding as i type

when our children are babies we hold them and look into their sweet pink faces and hope for the very best for them.  we can't help but wonder who they will be when they grow up.  we pray for them counting on our prayers to come true.

it is rare, or at least for me it is rare, to have the opportunity to see and hear of both of my children's character on the same day.  today was that day for me.

i had the honor and pleasure of attending the birthday party of my oldest son's girlfriend.  she is a delightful young lady whom i am fortunate enough to have a relationship separate from tel.  she invited me to celebrate with her very close knit family, childhood friends and her core group of friends today.  these were her people.  her very closest best people.  her i'm in trouble in the middle of the night and yet i could still call you people.  and right in the middle of all of them was tel.  and they love him.  he knows their names and pokes fun of them and they dish it right back.  i can not tell you how many people came up to me and complimented me on what a great young man he is. how he fits in.  how he is such a kind person who is the first to offer help.  aunts and uncles and cousins say he is the nicest person ever.  and girl friends from junior high and high school tell me what a gentleman he is. i could go on but i would not know where to stop - he is a great young man. 

cole spent the day hunting with a dear friend of mine who is in his late 70's.  the two of them have an unlikely friendship.  with the exception of an occasional conversation about work that needs to be done on the farm the two of them rarely talk to each other - unless there is a bird to hunt or a plan to be made to hunt that bird.  they have a mutual respect for each other but their paths do not intertwine regularly.  however they would both call each other friend.  in the midst of today's hunt the older gentleman's dog went to retrieve a bird in the middle of the pond.  it was a typical windy day in december and the dog, for whatever reason, became panic stricken and began to drown.  cole saw it go under and wasted no time going after it.  now mind you it was in the high 20's or low 30's as he waded into frigid, chest high water to save the drowning dog. i asked cole what his friend said to him after he saved the dog and replied quite simply, "thanks for saving my dog".  little fan fare was repeated but i am doubtful that more was not given.

both of my boys have grown into caring, responsible young men who often put the needs and feelings of others before their own.  as sappy as it may seem, as a parent there is hardly anything more wonderful than realizing your children have indeed grown up - and into the kind of people that we prayed they would as babies.  those boys make me so proud and i love them more than all of the times all of the parents in the entire world have looked into their baby's faces and hoped and prayed they would turn out good.  i know mine turned out incredible . . . and i am humbled.

wash and a set

i went to work
it was a long day
i drove three hours to get there
i had meetings all day
i drove three hours to get back home
i arrived in my town at 8:45 tired from the day
i stopped by g'mas house to wash and set her hair
when i walked in there she sat in her wheelchair with wet hair
she had washed her own hair which is no small feat at her age
i set her hair
we laughed about ridiculous stuff that would mean nothing to anyone else but us
we planned her birthday party
if we are going to have cake we need ice cream
she said to get the bargain kind because no one her age will know the difference anyway
she makes me laugh
suddenly i do not feel tired anymore

private parts . . . everybody has them

private parts.  you know, the parts that are tucked away for no one else to see?  the parts that are always covered, fiercely guarded, not even really appropriate to talk about?  as kids they caused us to snicker and giggle.  as teens they caused us to blush.  and as adults - well, it appears to be a whole new ball game! 

however, since early 2004 it has become socially acceptable and even encouraged to bare it all.  there are hardly any topics that are not shared, exposed, laughed about, poked, photographed and commented on.  where did the modesty go?  are we comfortable with this new sensationalism or are we just so wrapped up in the thrill of knowing all that we barely recognize what is happening to us? 

now i am hardly a prude, but i do think a certain amount of decorum is a good thing to embrace.  so, as you continue posting on facebook i do hope you will keep this in mind.  (hee hee)

feelings. nothing more than feelings

i wish i could feel change.  i can feel it coming.  i can tell when it is about to happen.  i am even able to identify the difference once it takes place.  but i would love to be able to feel the exact moment in time when it happens.  when skipping goes from being fun to the moment it is uncool.  when did that happen?  when i was in love to when i could not feel it any more.

was it gradual or was there a moment in time when it switched, crossed over, changed sort of like a light switch?  and if you could pinpoint the moment would you stop it?  change its course?  shout "do over!"?

so much of our lives is programmed for us: drive here, not there.  go this speed, not that speed.  here are your choices - pick this one or that one.  show up here and do this job.  now i recognize complete disregard to society and the rules made to govern would result in complete and utter chaos.  and quite frankly, i am not suggesting we not have rules.

but i am questioning why perfectly capable people give up.  completely.  is it a function of lazy?  is it just too much effort to put out there especially when what you have isn't that bad after all. is it blissful ignorance?

do me a favor and make sure you are conscientiously making the decision to disengage.  don't let it just happen . . . that would just be wrong.

five little monkeys jumping on the bed . . .

you know, sometimes you just have to stop and celebrate the little things that you have accomplished during the day.  it seems to me that we are so busy rushing from one task to the next, or worse yet - dreading something that is in our future that we have no control over, that we do not take the time to enjoy what we have achieved, experienced or are about to experience.  we have so much, yet we just rush, rush, rush through the day's activities to the next thing.  yes, this is about stopping and smelling the roses.

so here is my list of things i did today.  this is not a complete list of accomplishments but things i am rather proud of, happy i survived or enjoy reflecting on . . .

• l.a. traffic on the 405!  tons of vehicles moving really fast at the same time - and yes, i was driving
• realized just how many songs refer to streets in california
• booked my own multi-city flight and even got a decent price
• cashed in some hotel bonus points for a weekend excursion
• said at least 1044 words today that had meaning
• had the joy of being checked in on by my dear sweet friend [thanks for the text!  :)]
• didn't plan my day very well and neglected to eat until 7 pm.  but when i did - boy was it good!
• sat in silence in my hotel room the entire evening - phone turned off - tv turned off - no music - ahhhh
• made some serious strides with a client today
• saw palm trees and wondered how they got there - highly creative yet unlikely placement
• congratulated two people on going way above and beyond the call of duty
• bounced on the bed - really!

it is so good to be me!  how was your day?

it is time

  
    the powerful crash
        the salt hangs in the air
            the movement never stops
                the smell is unique unto itself
                    the melodic noise mesmerizes 
                        the colors are beyond imagination
                            the depth is difficult to comprehend
                                the vast size screams you are so very small compared to me
                                    it is time to put me in my place

naked in the wheat field

i have a few questions for you.  are you ready?  i'll wait a minute until you are comfortable.  it won't take long to answer but you will need a clear head.  turn off the music or the tv.  if others are around try not to let their presence distract you.  ready? 

• describe yourself
• who are you 

that wasn't too hard now was it?  ok - let's do it again and this time you cannot use any of the following items to describe yourself:

• who you are married too, separated from, divorced from, survivor of, living with or dating
• your child(ren), pet(s), parent(s), sibling(s) or friend(s)
• your job, career, school or hobby
• no mention of accomplishments, titles, degrees or appointments
• nothing bestowed upon you by some one or some thing

i want you to describe who you are not what you are.  really think about it.  ponder what defines you as you.  what sets you apart from any one else?  you are special - but can you define it?

i call this my naked in the wheat field theory.  imagine yourself standing naked in the middle of a wheat field.  no one else is around you.  it is quiet except for the shush of the stalks of wheat gently blowing in the wind (don't worry, the wheat is still short).  the reason you are naked is to force you to figuratively not hide behind labels, titles or other decorations you have picked up along the road of life. 

i challenge you - go through this exercise until you can describe who you are.  i would love to hear what you come up with.  send me a message or post in the comments section for all to see.  be bold!  and above all, be real.

curb check

you are in the forefront of my mind.  are you aware of this?  do you know it?  do you care?  some people classify you as my friend.  others do not know you even exist.  i, true to form, could care less what others think of you and am much more concerned with what YOU think of yourself.

as you read this you probably wonder who this is addressing.  who am i talking to?  it is addressing you!   do you know that?  do you care?  do you see the goodness in yourself?  i see it.  i see it every day.  i am aware of it as i watch how you treat others.  kindness is a choice you make.  i cannot verify how many years you have been this way but for as long as i have known you, you have been nice.

and look at the way you interact with those clamoring to be around you.  people flock to you.  i understand the draw.  they are like a moth to the flame.  people want a piece of you.  how much can you give before you loose yourself to the masses? 

i watch from the sidelines and wonder what keeps you grounded.  is it the importance of the notoriety that keeps you propelling forward?  do you tire?  do you seek rest? do you seek solitude?  why do you keep the pace you keep?  do you care about the acquaintances that care about you?   how much do you really know about them?  do they really matter?

you see, each one of us floats through this thing called life making a HUGE impression on others we have no clue are even watching.  might i suggest you treat your important stuff really important.  and the medium important stuff - give it some attention but not the good stuff.  save the good stuff for the really important/good stuff.  and the not so important - give it a nod and move on.

i recognize you have years of practice being everything to everyone.  many rely on you.  you are the mother, the father, the peacemaker, the conflict resolution master and everything else.  but trust me, it doesn't have to be that way...you are the captain(esse) of your ship and it is past time for you to act like it.  this is far less about you liking the chores in front of you and more about putting your head down and getting through it!  you have no idea what is waiting for you on the other side - but i have a strong feeling you are going to like it.  a lot.  it will be rare.  and familiar all at the same time.

might i be so bold as to tell you not to miss the ride!  the bus comes around every 30 minutes and the ride is cheap...but one of these days the stairs are going to be too steep for you to climb and once you do get to the top -the view is going to be way different. 

choose wisely my friend.

this one hurts

she sits in her wheelchair.  her soft gray hair grazes the neck of her floral house coat.  i help her slip on her fleece bootie-style house slippers to keep her bare feet warm.  her blue and white polka dotted jammies are laid out over the corner of the rocking chair ready for her to put on after her hair is washed and set.  she has sorted the hair curlers in their plastic, pink box by size . . . so it is easier for me to find what i am looking for.

her hands grip the edge of the sink and she uses all her strength to pull herself up out of her wheelchair.  i lay my hand on the small of her back so she knows i am there - but she does the work.  she wants to.  as long as she can.  almost obediently she bends over into the sink to allow the warm water to gently rush over her head.  her thin, fine, gray hair feels soft and silky in my hands.  hair must be washed thoroughly.  twice.  by two different types of shampoo.  and completely rinsed in between each lathering.  make sure you wash it good.  but don't scrub the scalp too hard.  the skin is old and tender you know.  she never stops talking. even when her entire head is under the steady stream of water. 

again my hand is on the small of her back as she sits back down in her chair.  her legs are chilly.  i instinctively lay a small quilt over them.  she smiles up at me as she tells me about the philly cheese steak sandwich she had for supper.  she did not like it and does not understand why they took a perfectly good piece of roast beef and put that white cheese on it.  but the broccoli was cooked in delicious cheese sauce and the cookies were crunchy - not those undercooked, soft ones.  she sweetly requested the kitchen to prepare me a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of tomato soup.  she got a cookie for me too. 

i begin the self-taught rolling of her hair as she prattles on reminding me not to roll it up or it will stick out on the sides. make sure to roll it down.  always roll it down.  she asks if it still looks shiny and  healthy.  of course it does.  she updates me on the medical woes of her friends like i have known them for years and care deeply who is battling what.  i am less concerned about their health and more impressed that she knows all of their names. 

i do a few chores for her around her tiny apartment and prepare to leave.  i have been with her for an hour and a half and she is getting sleepy.  i offer to help her put her jammies on and she says she will once her metamucil leaves her.  this makes me smile.  the comings and goings of her digestive track is the one constant in her life.  it is what she spends her days monitoring.  i make a mental note to keep these thoughts to myself when i am her age.  i bet i share the same details with my grandchild just like she does.

i lean over and kiss her on the forehead and then on each cheek and one on the lips too.  she smells like dove soap.  childhood memories rush in to my head and i am suddenly overcome with emotion and the tears spring to my eyes.  i am holding her tiny hand in mine and croak out the words i love you so much grandma.  she sees the tears in my eyes and she gets them too.  i tell her i am going to miss her so much when she is gone.  i tell her how lucky i am to have had the joy of spending the last several years getting to know her as a person - not just as my grandma.  i tell her she is one of my closest friends.  she tells me i am her best friend and i begin to cry again.  she tells me not to cry that she is still here and isn't going anywhere yet.  i say i know and i try to reiterate the depth of my appreciation for her and our deep friendship.

she thanks me for coming and spending my friday night with her.  no one i would rather be with.  we get through our good byes and i walk the length of the hallway and outside in to the crisp night air.  i wonder what she is thinking about.  on the way home i eat the cookie.  i remember her words to me - "the um, the uh, you know, the, the, the holy spirit!  yes, the holy spirit.  he will comfort you when i am gone".  yes i know grandma...but he is not you.

sneakers or heels

circumstances run out of control
mouths run nonstop
budgets run short
meetings run over
relationships run aground
plans run amuck
speeches run long
people run ragged
pets run away
ideas run dry
health runs down
bills run up
time runs out

i think i will walk

what are those eyes telling you

i feel vulnerable.  there.  i said it.  out loud.  no, really, i did.  i sat right here at my dining room table and i said the words 'i feel vulnerable' out loud. (it is not enough to say you did something if you didn't really do it)  so i said it.

why is this relevant?  because i am the strong one.  i am the one others call for support and to be uplifted and motivated by.  i get the call when the pieces are falling apart.  did you do something spectacular and you want to celebrate - call me!  i am the consummate cheerleader.  need a safe place to set your cares - i can do that too.  i am the one that is there no matter what.  having a bad day?  need a laugh?  need some perspective?  i am your girl!  i've got your back and i always will.  AND I LOVE IT.  but . . .

but sometimes, every once in a while, i am not equipped for that role.  sometimes i want someone to look me in the eyes and know.  without me saying it.  i can see it in others - can't anyone see it in me? 

ok - enough of the vulnerability shtick - it just doesn't work for me.  (note to self - maybe that is why no one ever asks - i tuck things away rather quickly don't i?  but i digress).  back on track - the whole reason i bring up this topic is for you to pause for just a second and reflect on who the person is in your life that is your go-to person.  your no matter what they are there for you person.  it is an honor to be that person.  it really is!  but every now and again it is really nice to get the authentic care and gentle concern first.  it is ok to be the one that asks the questions and then listens.  and it is a wonderful feeling to receive a bear hug for no particular reason.  look in those eyes that are constantly looking out for you and make sure they are not pools of unmet emotion.

let's face it - we are all primarily the person who is the giver or the receiver.  and we all have a place in the world so this is not about being something or someone you are not.  but what this is about is making sure you are giving your caretaker a little fill up every once in a while.