how much can one take

i rarely watch the news but thought i would tune in tonight.  not to be a "moto" (master of the obvious) but the world as we know it will never be as it once was.  just read the list of words that were used in the first seven minutes of the newscast.
suspicion
alarm
bomb
cuts
total loss
violent
major damage
shut down
eliminate
misleading
no other way
deficiet
not enough money
short fall
debt

my heart is heavy.  i shall turn the tv back off again.  it is not that i want to live a life of oblivion but i do not possess the ability to affect the things i saw and now i carry them with me.

i express my hope and desire that some day i could watch the news and somewhere buried between all of the horrible things that are reported the following words might be tucked away
thanks
enough
selfless
again
helpful
kind
gave
stood
honor
success
weathered
sacrificed

until that day i will remain optimistic (and most likely uninformed).

the canvas is white and clean and all that is needed is heart

have you ever had a clean slate or better yet, a blank canvas in front of you - metaphorically speaking of course.  no rules.  no expectations.  no one to tell you you can't or shouldn't.  no chance of failure.  no threat of being denied or worse yet, laughed at.  no consequences.  no punishment forthcoming.  no taunting or tattling.  just a blank canvas waiting for you to fill it with the glorious wonder that can only come out of your precious imagination.

its a daunting task to dirty a canvas!  just think - with every movement a fabulous new color will appear.  whatever your heart desires will convert the blank canvas in to a beautiful rendition of your world.  it could manifest itself in a kind deed for someone in need, a gentle word to a stranger, an encouraging nod to someone who is struggling, a knowing glance to someone who is looking for reassurance.  it might be the courage to say i love you or i need you.  or maybe to apologize for something you did wrong.  or even to sit quietly and just listen . . .

every one's canvas will look different.  the delivery will barely be recognizable.  the outcomes will not resemble each others.  but what will be the same is the condition of the heart.  for it is nearly impossible to create, care, love and share anything good, wholesome and lovely from within ourselves without involving the heart.  and when you lead with your heart you are no longer thinking about yourself.

so find a blank canvas (an opportunity) and paint something wonderful.  and when you do make sure you are leading with your heart.  remember that feeling of leading with your heart and try incorporating it in all you do.  that is not to say you should not think as well.  but knocking off the sharp points of your mind with a little love never hurt anyone.

mask on mask off

there is you that others see.  the public you.  the you that is so much you that maybe even you don't recognize it is the put on you.  you know, your game face.  the my life is really tough so i am going to muddle right through it you. the i made this choice and i am going to see it through you.  the committed you.  the i can do this anyway you.  the tough you.  the i am fine you.

and then there is the you that you know.  the yes i get mad you.  the slide in your socks across the kitchen floor you.  the sing out loud and slightly off key you.  the hopeless romantic you.  the you that secretly wishes you could just slow down a little bit and breathe.  maybe even give the ideas swirling around your brain a safe place to come to fruition you.  the you that doubts, wonders, cries, laughs, wants to believe.  the you that wants to say out loud when you have made a mistake or changed your mind.  the you that wants real.

who knows that person?  do you have anyone in your circle that you fully let in?  it is a vulnerable place to be.  but if you are brave enough to allow it to happen - it is a really great thing.  too many of us are walking through life with our game face on and truly missing connections that are valuable, conversations that are meaningful, relationships that are fulfilling.

how many of you have had the honor of someone reaching out to you to be that safe place for them and how many missed the knock because you were too busy being the you that you really aren't?  not only are you missing out you are denying someone else what they need from you.

as we undoubtedly begin the busiest time of year i challenge you to take your mask off and be authentic.  real.  raw.  vulnerable.  open.  accepting.  pick one person you trust and open up.  you don't have to proclaim you are going to now communicate your deepest darkest secrets.  start small.  have one conversation with no exaggerations or embellishments.  just talk.  real feelings.  real thoughts.  real dreams.  real concerns.  what do you have to loose?

isn't reality tv really an oxymoron

many of you may know i am not much of a tv watcher - but i broke down and bought one this weekend and i have it plugged in and working now.  it is really cool.  42 inches of clear, crisp picture.  i must have basic cable because i have several channels and i even have some of the same channels twice!  i just keep flipping through the channels because i not only have a tv but i also have a remote control. this is a new feature as well.  but i digress.

so i settled in for a quiet saturday night on the couch watching an animated movie about a bee and the honey industry.  i find myself terribly distracted by all of the hollywood stars whose voices are featured in the movie.  the story line is, well, not my cup of tea, but the underlying message is entertaining enough.  but it is the commercials that remind me why i do not watch much television.

between the over zealous christmas commercials to the extremely chipper news reporters inviting me to watch the most depressing stories to snippet after snippet of the latest reality show, i find myself over stimulated and a bit underwhelmed.  i typically watch about an hour of tv a month so i am the first to admit i am a bit out of the loop . . . i had no idea there was a show where overweight americans competed on national tv to see who could loose the most weight!  who knew?  that is just crazy!  but i digress AGAIN.

the point - don't forget to think.  think for yourself.  dream a dream.  make up a story.  sing a song.  have a conversation.  create something artistic.  draw a picture.  write a poem.  compose a song.  dance.  paint.  redecorate.  do not let your creative side turn to mush.  it is way too easy to sit back and let the tv become your life. 

where has all of the fun gone

at what point did you quit having fun?  was it a decision you made on purpose or did you just slip in to the mundane?  look around you and identify your joy.  can you?  is it near or is it just a memory?

are you one of the lucky ones that laugh through the tough stuff?  and how about skipping?  when was the last time you skipped?  i skipped down the sidewalk in front of some stores just last week.  i was happy and i just skipped.  i didn't do it for long because i got my fill - and i did it because i wanted to.

maybe you are content with where you are and if that is the case then i toast you!  but if you are not content with your situation maybe it is time to deal with it.  if we make our adult status into a sentence of boredom, ordinary, everyday, routine and humdrum then shame on us! 

i believe we should be able to get the heart out of the watermelon of life!  take a big ol' bite of juicy goodness right out of the middle of whatever situation you are in and savor it.  too many people are walking around as the living dead.  no light.  no joy.  no wonder.  no thrill.  no inquisition.  no laughter.  no fun.  no skip.  no giggle.  it doesn't have to be that way you know.

so, turn over a new leaf or a bar chair or a new trick and live a little.  get back to the part of your life that brings you sheer joy and do more of that and less of the part that brings you down.  ultimately it is your choice.  we are here for an undetermined amount of time.  choose wisely my friend.

you will never know how much i love you

grandma, i used every single ounce of my being today to memorize the sound of your voice, the twinkle in your eye and the joy on your face as you were surrounded  by your family.  i fixed your hair, your plate and your scarf.  i found a straw, a blanket and time for you.  i watched you from across the room as others interacted with you and i felt protective of you.  i waited in the wings as you greeted everyone who darted in and out for a morsel of grandma-time. 

you looked lovely in your warm clothes.  you ate a good meal, took a little nap in front of the fire wrapped up in the afghan mom made and you tucked your elbows in like a champ so they would not bonk the walls or door jambs as we made our way in your wheelchair to the restroom all of those times.

when i got the pillow adjusted just right you smiled and said 'now we're cooking with gas!"  i didn't even know you knew that saying!  and you could hardly get the words out you were giggling so hard when you told me what tel did to cole.  i love it that you can laugh at your crazy great grandsons.

i was so proud of you today as you walked behind your own wheelchair from the back bathroom to the kitchen.  you are a rock star grandma.  you always have been.  the love and respect i have for you is so deep and so real.  sometimes it catches me off guard that i am capable of loving you as much as i do.

we have such a special friendship and love for each other.  we tell each other every single day how important we are to each other - but it just doesn't seem like enough.  i should do more.  i wish i could give you some youth - i know you would not waste it away like i have done.  do you know that i refuse to begin using my new phone out of fear i might loose the voice mail messages that i have saved of your voice?  do you know that i would do anything for you?  do you know how much i love washing your unmentionables out by hand every week?  do you know i think the only reason your hair looks so good after i cut, wash and set it since i have no clue what i am doing is because of the love i have for you.

today you stood in the mirror with your withered hands holding the comb i gave you so you could work on your side bang a little.  then your gentle hands pushed your hair around a bit as if to say "hey, i look good!".  i love being part of those moments.  i cherish them.  how i wish i could keep you forever.  you have no idea how very important you are to me.  even though we have our special words we say to each other it just seems like i should be doing more to love you.

maybe i will read this entry to you.  and i will do my best to explain what the internet is and what a blog is and how the words are out here for anyone to see.  but what i will work the very hardest at is showing you how the love you show me has made me a more loving person.

sometimes it is ok to just list the good stuff

with so much to be thankful for i find myself at a loss of what to write.  it is not that i am not thankful - i am.  but i am not comfortable with kitschy, cliche-riddled thanksgiving fodder.  i struggle with this time of year anyway and the thought of writing about how thankful i am for people and opportunty that i should honor on a regular basis seems disingenuous or contrived.

instead, i am going to list some intangibles that are difficult to attach to a specific person or circumstance but are pretty darn cool when they do happen!

• the smell of lilacs coming through an open window after a summer nap
• finding $1 in your coat pocket left over from last winter
• discovering you are an hour early
• one more oreo in the row you thought was empty
• bag fries (you know, the 2 french fries that jump out of the fries holder into the bottom of the bag)
• how grandma's voice sounds so different when she takes her teeth out
• wild turkeys crossing the road right in front of you the day before thanksgiving with no regard
• a glance
• anticipation
• the purr noise my cat makes
• admitting
• saying the same thing at the same time that someone else does
• remembering your pin number in the atm line
• knowing without hearing
• a pinkie swear
• being reminded without the person who is reminding you getting angry at you for not remembering
• saying yes - not ya
• a good hair day
• loving anyway
• the weight of heavy covers on a cold night
• having so many great memories running through your mind you can hardly decide which one to settle on
• validation
• remembering a feeling so vividly that you would swear you were reliving it
• discovering you are not alone
• realizing you never were
• trusting in what you can not explain
• hope
• great music
• wit

i hope you enjoy reading this blog as much as i like writing it.

where is the lesson learned

i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror just moments ago.  when did i grow up and become who i am today?  who and what got me here?  i can tell you it was not by choice, design or conscientious effort.  it just happened . . . really it did!  surely i would have remembered making the decision.  not that i wish to be a certain age younger than i am right now.  in fact, i do not.  but what i do wish is i could remember the method. 

as i sit here in the safe, warm cocoon i have created for myself and reflect on the path that got me here i have a difficult time being able to remember or articulate or feel the movement from infant to child, child to teen and teen to adult.  i can however, recall very specific moments.  and each of the moments have one common thread --- pain.

for it is in the pain that the lessons are learned.

do not rush through the pain.  not because it is good to be a martyr or living with your heart on your sleeve is noble or attractive.  but rather, it is in slow, even contemplation of the situations, relationships and events that have been weathered, experienced, stumbled through, botched royally and burnt to a crisp that you learn to not traipse down that path again.  or, if you choose to, choose to go with your eyes wide open.

i think it was . . . let's see . . . it was . . . um . . .

do you remember the very first time you met?  how about what you were wearing that day and the circumstances that brought you to that specific place?  was it intentional or was your meeting a coincidence?  did you prepare or was it serendipitous?  were you nervous or in total control? 

after the meeting were you satisfied with the outcome or desperately searching for the 'do-over' button? did you say the right thing and make the impression that you wanted?  what would you have done differently?  were you proud of the results?  who did you share the details with?

in hindsight, what changes would you have made?  would you do it again given the opportunity?  how many times did you replay that meeting over and over in your head?  was the memory laced with a smile, a smirk, a grimace or a frown? 

now . . . who is the person you envisioned?  you see, i purposefully did not ask you to envision a specific person - i left that up to you and your imagination.  did you focus on one person or could you even get one person to come to mind without more direction?

every time we meet someone it is a chance encounter.  a first impression just waiting to be born.  what kind of impression are you making?

never a day goes by that i do not appreciate this

i talked with a dear friend today.  it was an easy conversation.  nothing was forced.  it moved from topic to topic with little effort.  the discussion ranged from the weekend's activities to how we each felt about some pretty heavy topics.  as the dialogue wound around we laughed . . . a lot.  silly stuff.  inside jokes border-lining on stupid. and there was honesty.  a dump truck full of it.  the words were not always easy to say or to hear - but they were candid, real and meant a lot. 

as i reflect on the precious gift of what friendship truly is i marvel at its simplicity.  it is not built on what either of us do for a living.  there is little to no regard to our family structure, formal training or school, where we live or what our hobbies are.  it doesn't matter.

what does matter is the mutual respect and love we have for each other.  may i always be respectful and loving.  it is a good thing and i have a feeling we can all use a little more good thing right now.

all on a saturday

things i learned today

• debby is way stronger than she realized - i've known it for 29 years - she felt it today and it was good
• i am blessed with some incredible women in my life
• kelly
• leslie
• debby
• ame
• shelly
• mary
• joy
• you girls appear randomly and your timing is typically swell - i am quite sure i have not done a very good job telling you - so THANK YOU!
• sometimes alone is the coolest - sometimes it is not
• i am a very messy painter
• some songs indicate if you love purely you will be (fill in the blank here) - i do not agree with those songs - if you love purely then your reward is the fact that you loved purely
• as hard as i have tried i do not possess the ability to heal others hurts
• sometimes i just want to see country stars
• i can not remember a time in my life that i had more than i do right now - how did i get to this point?  i think it just happened
• this is the first time i have been right here yet i knew it was coming because it comes around every day - you know - time - that mysterious phenomenon that you cannot touch, taste, hold, smell or extend
• sacrificing for someone else is an exercise that teaches lessons that are sometimes hard to understand
• i think there is a sliver of light left over from an era gone by that twinkles when your life is aligned properly - i think that is magic
• there are a lot of opportunities that are missed because urgent steals attention
• i am looking for one particular thing - if i have not found it in 44 years maybe it does not exist
• my imagination is greater and more powerful than anything others say to me - it is light years ahead of its time
• expectations are best when articulated - when they are heard but go unmet maybe it is time to evaluate 
• seldom is my gut wrong
• i wish others could see the world through my brain
• i love g'ma

it's really all we have

i missed a night . . . and that, in hindsight, feels odd to me.  it was a conscious decision - but i wish i would have written.  i had something to say and now i can't remember it.

onward . . .

when you get right down to it, there is really very little that we truly "have".  all of our personal (material) belongings can be gone in a flash.  just ask the victim of a house fire.  but what no one can ever take from us is our integrity.

www.dictionary.com defines integrity as:   noun.  adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

so, at what point, if any, does integrity become optional?  and what, quite frankly, would possess someone to turn the integrity switch on and off?  i have witnessed and experienced someone operating with a deep sense of integrity and all of the sudden that trait is gone.  granted it was an isolated incident - but what am i supposed to think?  is it an 'oops, i slipped' sort of an issue? or is it the true character showing?

i have (foolishly) prided myself on being a good judge of moral character.  now i am not so sure.  i can not stress enough the importance of operating with integrity.  it is one of those rare and special qualities that is cherished and should be guarded.  once it is damaged it is very difficult to repair.

i implore you to think before you speak or act.  you just never know do you . . .

some things are just or some things just are

i think the silverware and napkins should go at the end of the buffet line, not the beginning.

doors in to public bathrooms should pull to open and push to exit.

please sit me on the bride's side of the church if i am friends with the groom so when he turns to face his bride i can actually see his face.

why do diane and duane sound so different if they are only one letter off?

when is too soon if you are excited?

how come i can not see the edge of light?

when is too late if you are cautious?

when i realize that the issue i thought you had is really my issue do i tell you or just quit talking about it?

how do you repay your mentor? (more importantly - how would you like me to repay you?  i shall call and ask you so be ready)

is it possible to let go while hanging on?

is it the who, what, why, when, where or how that drives you?

i have a place in my mind that i would like to live.  i have not seen it yet.  i can not tell you where it is but i will know it once i get there.

how is it that a land locked girl is so innately drawn to the sound of the ocean?

others

i had a friend who was larger than life.  she was a flamboyant dresser, big thinker, roll-her-sleeves-up-and-help kind of girl.  she could really made a lot happen!

people sought her opinion - she was smart.  and her expertise - she got a lot done.  her ideas were unique and creative.  she was a force to be reckoned with.  every one liked to be near her because she was one of a kind and there was no doubt you were in the presence of greatness when you were near her.

she won awards, gave speeches, motivated volunteers, spear-headed coat drives, planted flowers, painted over graffiti, bought presents for underprivileged families, fostered kids nobody else wanted, raised a family, loved a husband . . . she made a difference. 

you might have known her.  she was high profile.   you might not have.  it is irrelevant.

but what is relevant is this . . .  she got sick.   very sick.  and when those same people who lauded her, applauded her, honored her, awarded her and worked next to her would see her, they no longer talked about plans to make a difference, families to heal, lives to change.  they only talked about her sick, tired, weary, worn out body.  she lost her identity to her illness.  she knew it.  and she did not like it.

she said to me "they never asked me these questions before.  do i not matter any more?  just my body matters?  i have lost who i am to the perception of their reality and i am so sad."

so before you ask someone who is sick how they are feeling - ask them something about who they are - not what they are.  remember, we are all much more than our earthly bodies.

what a difference a day makes

just when you think you have settled in to some sort of putrid greenish blue semi-permanent funk a lovely day full of the most simple pleasures rolls through and changes everything.  something as simple as cutting, washing and setting your 92 year old grandma's hair (i really don't know how but don't tell her - so far she likes it!) or eating sushi until you are about to pop with your oldest son and his delightful girlfriend or even a new laptop travel sleeve can really brighten up a day.

i share all of those examples sort of tongue-in-cheek, but they do give me pause.  you see, our perception of reality is only limited by what we focus on.  granted i have not been real thrilled with the cards in my hand over the past several days - and i could keep playing the pity party cards for a while - but why?  situations out of my control have caused my life to take a path i was not real excited about.  but as i said - it was out of my control.  so why in the world would i give something out of my control control over me?

i have one chance to live the numbered days of 2010 and i choose to live them to the best of my ability.  i have way more going for me than against.  move over situation - i am taking back the steering wheel and i am deciding where i go and what my life is from here on out.

if you are struggling with a situation that is out of your control give it the attention it deserves - which in my opinion is not much! 

just this once

my tummy feels like it has been punched - maybe it is the food i have eaten (or not eaten).  

my tummy feels like it has been punched - maybe it is the navy blue that settled in the day before yesterday.

my tummy feels like it has been punched - maybe it is the change of seasons.

my tummy feels like it has been punched - maybe my expectations are recalibrating.

my tummy feels like it has been punched - maybe it is the pain i am carrying for those that are hurting or missing important people in their lives.

my tummy feels like it has been punched - maybe crawling in bed just this once and giving in to the silence that is screaming in my head will make me feel better.

risky business

i am a mighty risk taker.  i am not true to myself if i do not take risks.  it is the way i am hard wired.  i am a deep thinker and that often leads to uncharted waters.  i can pretend that the paved, worn path is the path i prefer, but that is simply not true.  i like the risk.  the rewards are great. i have not met anyone who has been able to travel with me for the entire journey and quite frankly sometimes it gets lonely. 

on the other hand - i have many people who step on to the path with me as their time allows.  they walk or run along with me until their responsibilities call them away.  others never step on the path but stand on the sidelines cheering me on.  they are important to me as well.  there are even some who stand by with their arms crossed in disbelief or disgust - and that is ok too.   they propel me forward because i do not give up - and if i were to start to give up i simply remember the naysayers and am determined to prove them wrong.

you see, i do not take the risks for any one's approval.  it is not that i don't care what others think - i just do not care what they think of me.  i can not imagine the number of lessons that i would not have learned if i would not have risked.

so as i venture out on this next trek i go with the knowledge that there are some of you who think i am irresponsible, a buhhdist, a warrior, a strong woman, a friend, a wise woman, a derelict, a rebel, a mess or any other sundry of descriptions...and that is fine by me.  because as lonely as i sometimes feel i know i am not alone and at the very end of my journey the truth will come out.

yeah right . . .

as long as you are participating in life you can expect to keep learning.  sometimes life gives you a lesson that maybe you were not expecting to learn.  be open to what is being taught.  look around you and take stock of your situation.  sit quietly.  for minutes and minutes on end.  no music.  no tv, text, internet, conversation.  just sit and think.  do not munch on a bag of chips or sip your favorite beverage.  sit.  without moving.  quiet.  let your mind wander until it begins to circle back around to the same point over and over and over.  that is the subject of your lesson.  you are learning if you are contemplating.  if you waste the opportunity you will surely repeat the journey again.

kissing great aunt fern or rocking

there is a certain amount of pressure that every blogger surely feels.  the pressure to write something compelling, humorous, interesting, thought provoking and for heaven's sake not too long or no one will bother to read the whole thing! feels sort of like kissing your great aunt fern...every one expects you to do it but no one would really blame you if you decided not to.

that's how i feel sometimes.  i have so many things that come to my mind during the day and i think 'oh i should blog about that tonight'.  and then some where between getting the necessary things in life completed and sitting down to write i loose the story line.  i tend to write in my head before i type on the computer and some times i can't recall the words once it is time to get them written down.  that or they just seem a little too....um....you know that one word....starts with a c....ummm....familiar!  yes.  that is it. familiar!  they seem just a little too familiar and i have to ask myself if i know you well enough to share such intimate details.

so where is the moral line of familiarity on the computer?  we live our emotional lives out loud on facebook for every one to see.  i have seen status updates that absolutely rip others to shreds and i have seen double meanings that would make a pro blush (love that song btw).  i suppose the most appropriate thing to do would be to have a face to face civilized conversation.

you know...talk...share...get yourself a beverage and go out on the front porch and rock for a while.  some of my very best conversations have happened while doing a little front porch sittin'.  there is nothing more comforting than to sit in the presence of your very best friend and talk.  you should try it some time.  skip the text, the email, the poke, the post and the phone call.  get in a little face time!

not as an afterthought but rather as a consideration - - facebook was chock full of posts laced with the outpouring of love for the sacrifices made by our military in honor of veteran's day.  why not take it a step farther.  seek out a veteran at your local va hospital and go say thank you in person.  or pick up the tab for military personnel who are dining at the same restaurant you are.  or stand and say thank you when you see some one in uniform.  and don't forget to ask for safety, courage, bravery and support before you lay your head down for a peaceful, freedom-filled night's sleep.

when expectations are not

whirling dervish because it is fun to say and tough to use in a sentence correctly

when did i become old enough to drink coffee

tell me where the line is because i am quite certain i have stepped over it...again

i am utterly amazed at how much you listen and how little you hear

refresh my memory one more time why you do that thing that is so damaging to you

to be able to articulate is to be able to see your own way

who is the keeper of your memories

shall i tell you what i am thinking

i am pulling for you so hard i am surprised the rest of the world doesn't join in out of curiosity

oh the irony of it all

today i had a philosophical discussion with the president of a bank in a large city in the mid-west.  the topic centered around the economy and most specifically why we are in this situation and when it might turn around.  i, in my simplistic view of the world, contend that if we lived within our own means we would be better off.

as the banter turned to luxuries we could both live without he gazed out his window high above the city's skyline and pointed to a bridge.  there stood a man on the corner holding a cardboard sign so the long line of cars slowly making their way out of the downtown corridor could read the message.

within the next 20 minutes i was in that very same line of cars making my way to the highway.  i stopped at "his" stoplight and read the sign.  nothing remarkable or particularly special about the message.   but what i witnessed next was both remarkable and quite special in its own right. 

the man holding the sign hollered at three guys lounging in the grass off to the side of the road and they all looked up.  he then pointed to his wrist as if to indicate "time is up" and pantomimed "cut" or "stop" much like a water skier being pulled behind a boat who wants to stop would do.  he pointed to one of the lounging men who immediately got up, made his way to the median, took the sign out of the first man's hand and turned to face the flow of traffic.

my first response was outrage!  how dare those homeless men join together to panhandle.  that is just wrong.  then i began to giggle as i realized i had just witnessed a business partnership operating in full swing.  i imagined the four men deciding which corner they would work, when they would begin working, how long each shift would last and how they would divide the money up equally between themselves regardless of who brought in the most money.

as the light turned green i looked out my car window and i could see the bank president's light in his office.  i used my very best mental telepathy powers to send him a message that said - hey, mr. bank president, i just witnessed four guys making a living.  oh, and by the way - i am quite sure they are living within their means. 

living in the now

never before has a time been more relevant than right now.  there is no other moment in the history of your life that is guaranteed.  you can make the most significant difference this very moment.  the moment that has already passed is not possible to alter and the next one you are relatively ill equipped for since you truly have no clue what it holds.  you can contemplate the days to come or reminisce about the days that were - but you can not touch those moments in time like you can touch right now!

and since you are now thinking about living in the moment, which is a great place to live in my opinion, because it is in fact where you are, why not try to live it with a positive attitude?  there are a lot of ways to train yourself to be positive.  how about the simple test of the golden rule?  [which interestingly enough, according to religious tolerance website, there are 21 documented versions of the golden rule throughout world religions!]

it is time to live. right now.  in this very moment.  wherever you find yourself.  embrace the moment.  feel it for all that it is.  learn from it.  enjoy it.  allow yourself to be present.  invite someone else to join you.

your lips are moving but all i hear are sea gulls

this is the third time i have written something, deleted it and started over.  too much swirling around in my brain tonight to make any sense out of much.  so, i will stream my thoughts...

• when you are chatting with someone and you are pushing the conversation in a direction that does not seem to be mutual it is KIND to ask what the other person's expectations are
• if someone is bold and KIND enough to ask this of you, it is very appropriate to answer honestly
• if you are texting, emailing, chatting or any other communication tool and you decide to discontinue the conversation it is KIND to say good bye or at least let the other half know you are drawing the conversation to an end
• has someone ever said something to you that can NOT believe they actually said out loud and you just have to stop for a second and replay the words over in your head and you realize the words are nothing short of stunning - in the most shocking way?  it is always good to think about how your words are going to effect the person you are speaking too. 
• there are never enough hours in the day to get finished our long list of things we think we should do - there are more than enough hours in the day to finish the things we really should be doing
• best friends are good to spend time with
• if you treat every one and every situation as special then nothing truly is
• if your days were numbered and you knew it what would you do different than you are right now
• when you are at wits end are you really or are you at the end of your interest level
• sometimes being patient and waiting takes more energy and strength than fixing what ever it is you are waiting for in the first place - but the lesson would be lost
• who decided bigger was better - - - - i miss the corner grocery store
• what makes a weed a weed and not a plant that i should spend time nurturing
• i would like to make up a word that would indicate feelings deeper, wider, more intense than LOVE - i welcome your input

who is holding the measuring stick?

when we begin the process of dissection to determine if we are measuring up who is holding the stick?  is it our perception of our own self that causes us to feel like we have fallen short, measured up, succeeded, far exceeded the goal, etc.?  or is it the perception of some one else who we use to measure with?

in our professional lives things are typically pretty clear cut.  a task is outlined by our employer (or if we are self-employed our client may be the driving force) and either we hit the mark and are kept on for another round, we fail and are directed to try again or we are lead to go figure it out on the dime of another.

but what about in relationships of the personal nature?  acceptance and love seems to be a common goal.  being accepted for who we are and what we believe feels good.  and let's be honest - it feels really nice to be understood, acknowledged as good and viewed as right.

well, when things go south what is the common thread that has changed?  did the stick move?  did the person passing judgment redo the rules without communicating there was a change?  did communication break down?

i do not have the answers but i do know a lot of the questions.  maybe instead of being upset at the other person it is time to take a long hard look in the mirror.  and if the person staring back at you finds absolutely no fault it may be time for a new mirror.

random friday night thoughts available here

see this?  can you?  well, i suppose not.  in that case - it's my heart.  it's right here.  that is where i write from.  deep inside of my soul.  no secret messages for those of you reading in to this.  well, maybe a few secret messages...but you already knew that.  (wink wink)

let's talk grammar:  then/than  saw/seen  to/two/too  there/they're/their and my biggest pet peeve your/you're  learn it!

i rarely watch television...i think about 2 or 3 hours a month.  the tv is on now and i find it ridiculous.  i am not sure which is more insulting - the program content or the commercials.  when did we become so simple?

when snow melts where does the white color go?

why is it so difficult to change patterns that are not working in our own lives?

does everyone see the same shade of color?  is your green the same as my green?

i've heard it said before that we should do something that scares us every single day.  i think we should do something kind for someone else every day.  it could be some one you know or maybe someone you have never met.  do your random act of kindness with no fanfare and without others even knowing. there is real power in being the only one who knows.

by the way - can you articulate exactly why you are doing what ever it is you are spending all of your energy and talent on? if you can - good for you!  share it with someone so you can be held accountable and stay on track.  if you can not - might want to rethink what you are doing. 

looking for answers that are not there

i made a commitment to myself that i am not going to write out loud because it is between me and me.  but i will share this with you:  writing is a challenge tonight so bear with me please.

what situations in life throw you the biggest curves?  i bet it is not the monumental issue that takes weeks to unravel. nor is it the catastrophe that your family rallies around to combat that will get to you. its the littlest, unexpected things that unravel our worlds. 

it is when what we come to know, expect and live every day as our own personal normal, gets all jainked up that causes us the most problem. sometimes it doesn't matter how much we hope for, plan or expect - life takes over and our course is plotted with no regard for what we perceived as reality.

that is not to say we are not the master of our own ships - because we are.  but depending on how those we interact with are either mastering or not mastering their own ships, we are often left in their wake.  it is not enough to think you know where those around you are going,  you simply have to figure out how to balance your thoughts,wishes, dreams and expectations against the tide of life.

so quit waiting for help or answers or direction.  it is not coming!  it is your responsibility to figure this out.  no more excuses.  don't just stand there - do something.

what if i loose my tingly?

what do you feel?  i mean what do you really feel?  i remember when i was a little girl and certain times of the year i was overcome with feelings: anticipation...excitement...joy...fear.  and not only did i feel emotionally - but i felt physically as well.

i remember tingling.  you know - when your tummy sort of turns upside down.  or maybe it was more like a flock of butterflies that were doing loop-de-loops in my belly.  regardless of what words are used to describe it, there was a physiological event that happened inside of my very being and i could feel emotion.  i mean really feel it!

i am an adult now - but i still feel the tingly. sometimes when my eyes see a certain person the tingly starts.  other times i can become overwrought with tingly as i think about an upcoming event - like dinner with one of my grown boys.  i even get tingly when i begin to ponder something exciting in my future like a motorcycle ride or springtime.


the point is I TAKE TIME TO TINGLE.  i feel it.  i breathe in the feeling.  i roll it around my brain.  i let the very thought squish around between the part of my brain that separates thoughts into different categories. i purposely allow the notion to grow from a fleeting thought to a four color, multi-dimensional, full feature idea.

i rue the day i loose my tingly.  do you have your tingle still?  if not, why?  it feels really good.  i think you should stop reading this right now and look for it.  i bet you can find it right next to the feeling you get at the very top of the swing just as you begin the downward fall.  and for heaven's sake hold on to it once you find it!  

maybe i should open my heart more and my mouth less

today seemed like the perfect day to begin.  no special reason - it just seemed like the thing to do.  so i spent more time listening and less time talking.  it wasn't really that hard.  in fact i think i have been migrating towards this model over the past six months.  have you ever stopped to realize just how many people are vying for a chance to speak their minds?  some are brilliant and others are just a waste of my time.

if everyone applied the notion to listen more and talk less wouldn't we run the strong chance that the rhetoric would subside, the chatter would fade and real thoughts with conviction and substance would float to the fronts of our tongues and drip into a less congested world for contemplation?

one can hope.  and one can also do their own part.  i challenge you to prattle no more!