you will never know how much i love you

grandma, i used every single ounce of my being today to memorize the sound of your voice, the twinkle in your eye and the joy on your face as you were surrounded  by your family.  i fixed your hair, your plate and your scarf.  i found a straw, a blanket and time for you.  i watched you from across the room as others interacted with you and i felt protective of you.  i waited in the wings as you greeted everyone who darted in and out for a morsel of grandma-time. 

you looked lovely in your warm clothes.  you ate a good meal, took a little nap in front of the fire wrapped up in the afghan mom made and you tucked your elbows in like a champ so they would not bonk the walls or door jambs as we made our way in your wheelchair to the restroom all of those times.

when i got the pillow adjusted just right you smiled and said 'now we're cooking with gas!"  i didn't even know you knew that saying!  and you could hardly get the words out you were giggling so hard when you told me what tel did to cole.  i love it that you can laugh at your crazy great grandsons.

i was so proud of you today as you walked behind your own wheelchair from the back bathroom to the kitchen.  you are a rock star grandma.  you always have been.  the love and respect i have for you is so deep and so real.  sometimes it catches me off guard that i am capable of loving you as much as i do.

we have such a special friendship and love for each other.  we tell each other every single day how important we are to each other - but it just doesn't seem like enough.  i should do more.  i wish i could give you some youth - i know you would not waste it away like i have done.  do you know that i refuse to begin using my new phone out of fear i might loose the voice mail messages that i have saved of your voice?  do you know that i would do anything for you?  do you know how much i love washing your unmentionables out by hand every week?  do you know i think the only reason your hair looks so good after i cut, wash and set it since i have no clue what i am doing is because of the love i have for you.

today you stood in the mirror with your withered hands holding the comb i gave you so you could work on your side bang a little.  then your gentle hands pushed your hair around a bit as if to say "hey, i look good!".  i love being part of those moments.  i cherish them.  how i wish i could keep you forever.  you have no idea how very important you are to me.  even though we have our special words we say to each other it just seems like i should be doing more to love you.

maybe i will read this entry to you.  and i will do my best to explain what the internet is and what a blog is and how the words are out here for anyone to see.  but what i will work the very hardest at is showing you how the love you show me has made me a more loving person.